Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Have you ever felt you wanted something and God just wasn't getting it done for you. There are just things in life that aren't meant to be. God tells us no or delays the results and we are so stubborn that we want it done anyway. I tend to be a very stubborn person so I relate completely to this concept. I'm convinced that you can make just about anything happen that you set your mind to. That is suppose to be a good thing right? We tell children all the time "You can be anything you want to be when you grow up." I'm a believer of that idea. Over and over in my life I've decided I wanted something and without a second thought I'm off to accomplish it on my own. I'll do whatever it takes not realizing that I may be hurting myself or others along the way because my eyes are set on what seems to be so appealing. I decide I know what is best for me and what will make me the happiest. IF ONLY I had that personality trait or IF ONLY I could be a great photographer. IF ONLY I could work 50 extra hours of overtime so I could get that new upgraded IPOD. If ONLY I had a marshmallow.
When my two year old sets his mind on something you might as well let him learn some lessons the hard way. Sometimes that is easier for everyone and prevents repetition in the future. He is not capable of critical thinking and understanding that Mommy knows best.
God Knows Best. We tend to be greedy and controlling just within ourselves. Sure. There are so many things that sound so appealing. It would be great if we could be everything to everyone while having everything. Just asking God "Should I spend hours pouring myself in learning photography?" could make all the difference. Completely unrelated to my desire to take pictures for those of you who know me well. It may be a yes! It may be him giving you that desire. Or it may not be. It may be him telling you to notice how elegant someone else seems to be when they speak because he want you to learn more about speaking. Or it could be you always wanting something God is saying NO to.
There is always something on my list. Something I want that I need to work hard to get. It is very overwhelming at times - having so many things to accomplish. Most of the time, I never ask God to begin with if I should want IT or not. On top of that, I never ask for His help to get IT.
When I said no to the marshmallows it was because I knew my son could get hurt climbing the kitchen counters and moving glass. All that trouble and no reward. He didn't even get the marshmallows in the end.
I want to spend my limited amount of time on reaching for things that are actually obtainable. Not only that, but things that are satisfying and rewarding in the end. And I'm coming to realize that I have no way of knowing what will be those things to me. My point I guess - God knows best so I think I should start asking Him what he thinks more often.
Friday, November 21, 2008
But, the moment I saw that little boy responding to my touch during the ultrasound, I knew he was all mine. He is my little sweet boy growing healthy and strong. I watched him ball up all snug then stretch out big and push away. I watched his hands reach out and touch and feel. Nothing in the world could make me change the news of another rotten little boy we got yesterday. Then, I came home and held my little Roman in my arms and rocked him. He looked up at me and said "Mommy kiss pleeeaaassee" and I knew that my life couldn't be any more perfect! Wow - just the thought of the love my heart holds for my boys is overwhelming...... (And that includes my husband)
Your daddy, your brother and I can't wait to meet you little boy Huff number two :)
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
You may not know what an accomplishment and a surprise this is. Roman has been the child who went to nursery screaming and clinching my arms for months now. He has been the one full of fear. But, today I saw a new side of Roman. I was so proud of him and he was proud of himself!
Monday, July 28, 2008
Today has been a really good day! God told me about 5 days ago while I was worshiping Him that He was restoring my joy. Don't get me wrong - I have been really happy. But, I am talking about a deep sense of peace and satisfaction. I'm talking about a feeling of security that exceeds anything that makes sense. While He was sharing this with me, I pictured myself walking around my house opening the widows and letting fresh air blow through. I thought about my home becoming a reviving place. My preoccupied mind has been set free from that which consumed it. God is restoring my imagination, creativity, and my appreciation for life. My home is becoming a place of worship towards God and communication with Him. I believe this change in my life has been brought about by a new level I am reaching in my relationship with God.
So far today, Roman and I picked cantaloupes, tomatoes, cabbage, and green beans from my garden. Next, we went to the library to exchange his books. Last, we went to buy my niece Victoria a present for her first birthday while also grabbing Roman a lantern to keep beside his bed at night.
Last night, I started reading “You May all Prophesy” by Steve Thompson. It is truly amazing. If you are looking for a quick easy read that will change your life forever, this is one. You will probably have to find it online. It explains the different types of prophetic gifts, scriptures to back up these ideas, myths, why we desperately need them, and how to hear God and use your gifts. I read half the book last night because I couldn't put it down.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
1 Corinthians 14:1 Pursue love, and desire spiritual gifts, but especially that you may prophesy.
Monday, June 2, 2008
I should be doing many other things at this moment. I could be cleaning my house. It is a disaster after the busy weekend. I could be taking a nap with my son. I’m still dealing with bronchitis and haven’t slept for nights. I could be folding the pile of clothes I am sitting on. I’m literally sitting on a mountain of clean clothes. But, my heart is deeply rooted with gratitude and I want to write it all down and figure it out.
Recently, I have felt my soul being shook up. I’ve been like a glass of water with lemonade mix settled in the bottom. The mix has been there all along - the livelihood of my spirituality and the flavor to my drink. I’ve recently known something was happening inside of me to awaken my connection with God. I’ve tried to talk about it which has lead to internal frustration when I wasn’t able to exactly figure it out. It wasn’t me that started it. It was God and I want it to continue. I’m ready to reboot this thing that was started a long time ago. I’m not one of these people that can be satisfied with where God has taken me. I fully believe that there is always more to be given. I fully believe that this is a continual process that brings me closer and closer to Him. I’m very tired of complacency and contentment in myself and people around me. I'm tired of going with the flow and concerning myself with what is and is not acceptable.
I should just admit now that I’m that crazy kind of girl. The one that believes God is doing crazy things all the time. The one that believes God is constantly speaking and healing and changing people. I want it to be me that God uses. I want to be His vessel. I’m ready to give up my sanity in the eyes of others to be as spontaneous as He wants me to be. I am committing to him wholeheartedly. Committing to give up the things that I recently thought mattered. I’m ready to seek God continually.
I am thankful for my pastors and I respect the calling to depth and leadership they’ve been given. I am thankful that they love God beyond measure and that they have been chosen to lead this church in what is to come. This past Sunday morning after hearing Pastor Aaron preach one of the best sermons I’ve heard, God confirmed in my heart that my family is exactly in the right place at the right time. I saw God speak through my Pastor in an amazing way. They were not his words but Gods. It is an honor and rarity to sit in the audience of a Pastor that has heard God and is directly speaking His words. I caught a glimpse of what God is in the process of accomplishing right in front of us. I am committed to pray and support our pastors. I am committed to praying that they hear from God in an extraordinary measure and that they are blessed. I pray that they are blessed so that the load of carrying our burdens is lighter. I am committed to praying that God is alive and rich in their lives every single day and they have many testimonies of how God has moved in their lives.
I am thankful for my mother and father-in-law. I have found a new appreciation for them. I love that they love God more than life itself and that they believe in Him in ways that no one else I know does. They have an amazing amount of faith that God is able to do anything. They believe that He is always working and moving in things all around us. Their commitment to God is admirable. This past weekend I realized more than ever that they are a great source of strength in mine and David’s life. Their hope is ALWAYS in God and it never waivers. At any time they are available to offer solid Godly advice and support. They remind me every time I am around them why I love God and why I have committed my life to Him and leading others to Him. They are always learning and growing closer to Him. They are always excited about what God is doing. I am blessed to have them in my life.
So, I am seeking God. I am setting my mind on Him. I am rebooting what was once started. I am asking God “What are you saying to me and people around me?” I am getting my head out of the ground and am putting God’s call into action. God has called me to live in holiness. Which for me means that I am done compromising. If it is questionable, I’m moving on. God has my family in this place in time not to have a job, a home, and all the things I could ever ask for. Those are bonuses that He has allowed. But He has called us to live extraordinary lives helping to save and give hope to people around us.
I am thankful.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Approximately every two feet, we had to stop to blow a dandelion or stomp in a water puddle. This journey for my son was like touring the Grand Canyon would be for me. Every encounter was a new amazing experience. We danced with our shadows and ran through an open field doing gymnastics all before even leaving the yard. We stopped at the old stables to sit on the old dirty tractor. This was definitely Roman’s favorite part. I believe he could have sat there all day turning the steering wheel and changing gears.
The stream was my favorite part. At first my mom and I were just concerned with how to get to the other side. Then, I realized my son might want to see the water rushing over the rocks. So, we knelt down and watched. He carefully reached forward and felt the water then said “cold” while bringing his arms in. I then thought to myself “I would have taken my shoes off and walked through this when I was a kid.” So, I looked at Roman and said “Do you want to walk in the water?” He screamed “Yeah” and jumped in like he had been waiting for my permission. He was a little timid but amazed. We walked up and down the bank finding frogs, spiders, and fish. I made a decision that I wanted to catch a fish for Roman to play with so I ran back to the house to get a bucket. My original attempt was unsuccessful. It was quite a sight though. Mom stood near by laughing at me straddling a stream with a bucket almost falling in several times. When the frog I almost stepped on jumped in the water in front of me I screamed to the top of my lungs and ran. Finally, I gave up and decided to continue on our journey.
In front of us we saw three deer. They watched us closely and moved over to the side as we went by. We found these strange black birds with bright red wings that made very odd loud chirping noises. The grass was tall but Roman was persistent. He wanted to see the cows. When we finally got all the way to the end of the property, there they were right in front of us! I have never seen such shock on my sons face. He called them to come to him but they decided not to come. I think they decided to eat grass instead. On the way back home we picked up a stray, very persistent black cat. We later found it in our house eating the dog’s food. When passing back over the stream, I decided to leave my bucket in the water and come back for it later; hoping a fish or two may just swim into it! We were tired and it was time for lunch. Later that night, I went back to retrieve my mom’s mop bucket and found that I had caught six tiny fish!
While driving back home from Kentucky, I had two hours to think. I thought about the peace I had felt on our hike. I thought about how I felt carefree and I placed no expectations on myself. I thought about how I fully indulged myself in the moment I was living. Even if the moment was me trying to catch a fish in a stream. That hike caused me to breathe in air and feel the warmth that was all around me. I didn’t worry. I didn’t stress. It was two hours of hiking that felt like a month’s vacation to my soul. I found that place inside I lived in when I was a kid. You know the place where when you played your imagination took over and you were there in a different place in a different experience. You were so caught up in the moment. Seeing our surrounding through my son’s eyes helped me to sense the true beauty of God’s peace. I finally found it, that feeling of freedom from myself. I feel like my brain had been in multitasking over load. I’ve known it but I couldn’t change it. I didn’t know how. There was some computer glitch a couple of years ago and it has been hay wire ever since. No more. I found the problem and I am fixing it.
Balance. On my drive, I evaluated myself. We all need to do that every so often. I thought about all the things I want to be and how to balance them into one person. I’ve always thought about it but usually this overwhelming sense of anxiety comes in and I move on to something else. But this time, I felt prepared.
I want to be steady, free spirited, consistent, a mommy that my son cherishes, a wife that my husband is proud of, trusted, family centered, welcoming, warm, inviting, loving, open minded, myself, committed, sure of myself, compassionate, happy, sincere and spontaneous. I want to go out of my way when it isn’t convenient. I want to let out my voice. I want to not be held back when I’m insecure. I want to be oblivious when people are against me. I want to feel God’s peace more than once every two years. I want to live and feel the moment I am in. I want to let stress fall from me like leaves in the fall. I want to stop over thinking. I want to laugh more. I want to inspire. I want to let God rule my mind, my words, and my actions. The list of traits I thought about could continue on and on.
I thought about how I can mingle those things together to make me be free to be me. I don’t have to choose between this and that. I can decide who I am as I find it and add it to the collage that is ME. One observation I made when moving to Nashville was that, in general, people were less family centered. Time is spent differently here than the small country town in Kentucky where I grew up. God is showing me the positive in both places. He is teaching me how to mingle what I need and value into one self and one family.
Thank you God for using the nature you created and your spirit to help me get to a place I couldn’t find alone. Thank you for seeking me out in the middle of the country, in the middle of a field and showing yourself to me in a way I longed for. Thank you for taking my stress and lifting it from me. Just a moment of the peace you offer is enough to last forever. Thank you for again helping me understand the way I need to think and live.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Two close calls – two days in a row. Yes, the experiences definitely have me thinking, a little frightened, and feeling very thankful!
Thursday, Roman and I were in my laundry room. There is one thing in my entire house that isn’t baby proof and it is in that room. I live in constant fear that the door will be left open and Roman will wonder into that room where there is an accident waiting to happen. Although, today, the dresser was finally securely anchored to the wall.
So, I was sitting in the feared room trying on shoes. Roman was beside me and reached over to open a drawer of my dresser. The dresser is very top heavy and crammed way too full of clothes. In slow motion, I saw the dresser tipping. I plunged towards it letting it land on my shoulder and left arm while a corner of one of the drawers swung open to crash into that little noggin of Romans. He quickly moved and I sat there for a moment trying to push the dresser up and off of me. Because of the awkward position I was in, I was unable to do it. Ro began crying and pointing at me. He knew I was in quite a predicament. Finally, I had to pull some of the drawers out and onto the floor so I could then lift the dresser off of me.
Other than the big gash in my newly constructed dry wall from the foot of the dresser ramming into it, we are completely fine. Well, I do have a bruised arm and a sore shoulder. Nothing tragic. But, I’m sure you’ve all heard the stories of dressers falling over and killing children.
Friday, I was driving home from work. I was cruising along on the 386 highway at ummmm….. we will say 75 miles per hour. David and Roman were on a long walking journey around our neighborhood waiting for me to stop and pick them up on my way home. I was eagerly rushing to see my sweet boy’s face when he saw me drive up to him. All at once, I received three text messages. Now, an average mature adult would stop here and think to themselves, “It is not a wise thing to do to read or write text messages when driving.” (Especially when you have a son and husband that you want to get home to and not die in the process)
Well, I made the wrong decision and learned a big lesson. I looked down at my phone. When I looked up, I was a little closer to the car on my right than I needed to be and it scared me. But, I wasn’t close enough to make my next mistake. I jerked my wheel to the left and completely lost control of my car. I swerved back and forth a few times desperately trying to get my wheels lined back up. I was squealing and smelling rubber. Then, at some point, I headed down into a ditch in the median on my left between the two lanes of traffic. I remember bumping, spinning, and heading down in direction. The whole time I was saying “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” That tends to be the ONLY thing that ever comes out of my mouth in situations like that. I guess I instinctively know that I’ve lost all control and He is the only one who can help me. I was just waiting to crash into something at any moment. My car successfully completely a 180 degree turn and landed with its’ wheels wedged into the hill next to me facing the opposite direction I had been going. My things were thrown around everywhere in my car. A police officer pulled up and helped me check my car over and get out of the ditch.
The rest of the night all I could do was think about the sensation of my car out of control and wonder. I wondered how in the world I could have cars in front, behind, and beside me and not involve any of them in my accident. I wondered about the fact that if I had been a few feet further along I would have went across a flat median and into another lane of oncoming traffic instead of down into that ditch. Turns out, I and my car were both completely okay. Nothing tragic. But, I’m sure you’ve all head the stories of car accidents on this very highway occuring and killing people.
So, it is Saturday, and I am working on successfully completing the third day with no accidents and no close calls. I just want an average day will my family and to enjoy every minute of it with all of the depth and participation and attention that it deserves!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Here are my two nephews (Jackson 6 and Emerson 4) playing in the snow on Saturday! They are just 3 1/2 hours north of us in Seymour, IN. Roman would have loved playing in the snow with his cousins!
Here is their sister and my niece (Victoria) dressed warm for a cold day! Isn't she beautiful! We haven't seen them since Christmas. Hopefully, we will get to soon.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
So, my 28th Birthday has definitely been the best one yet. So many things to be grateful for! Mom, Tracy, Dylan, and Danny got me this great 4 tier greenhouse where I’ve already started growing seedlings. Dad and David’s parents gave me money – which is always a much appreciated gift. David and Roman got me this super cute apron from Anthropologie and a Robin Miller cook book.
Monday, March 3, 2008
I absolutely love Easter Lilies. Saturday night I realized that my back and side yard is full of them! I wasn’t living here last spring so I was completely unaware that these beautiful flowers would bloom. I love them because they mean spring is around the corner. Because they have the most wonderful sweet aroma you can smell from quite a distance. Because they are the boldest color yellow that is always the first to make itself know in the midst of the winter dryness. And because when I was a child, I would go out and gather them to make bouquets.
I’ve been in a rut. One I’ve been having trouble getting out of. Mentally mostly. Many things may have played into this but I mostly blame myself. Have you ever felt like you were in a deep empty well in the ground? You can barely see the sun but you know it is up there. I’ve been feeling anxious, chlostrophobic, and uninspired. I hate to even admit it for two reasons. One is because I like to appear to have it all together and the other is that it sounds selfish, pointless, and maybe a little crazy. But, my thoughtful husband has reached his arm down into my empty well.
Two days of complete perfection in weather. 72 degrees and a clear sky. David first took me to the
I am so thankful for my husband who loves me so much that he planned every detail of our weekend perfectly. Every door was opened. Everything was perfect. He was perfect. I am thankful that he loves me so deeply that he knows just what it takes to help me come to the surface even when I had no reason to be in the well to begin with. I knew when I saw those lilies blooming, relief was on its way.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
So, Roman started with a virus that gave him a runny nose, cough, and fever. That turned into an ear infection with another fever. Then, Hand Foot and Mouth Disease. Next was the runny nose that came back. And now yesterday – the flu. The past month has been a rough one for my little one. But, he is incredibly strong. You would think he had never been sick. Thank goodness that all of his ailments have only been temporary. Thank you God for taking care of him. Hopefully, we are on the other side of sickness.
Monday, February 25, 2008
I grew up very close to this family. They lived a few miles down the road. I spent a lot of time there, especially with his sister, Jennifer, who is the same age as me. Jason’s grandmother and aunt died of breast cancer. His mom was treated for a malignant breast cancer a few years ago that doctor’s say will most likely show up somewhere else. Jennifer’s daughter, Jason’s niece, has been in a wheelchair for 6 months dealing with a life-threatening disease she contracted from another student at her elementary school. She is getting better though. I just wonder how a family such as this can experience so many tragedies. I can't wrap my mind around the despair they must be feeling. I can’t be sad because it feels selfish to be sad. Like I am taking on the privilege of this feeling when I’m not the one loosing my dad, or husband, or brother, or son, like they are. I want to protect them and say “No, you can’t be sad unless you are one of them.” No one else deserves a chance to own a part of this. But, I am loosing my cousin, and hearing of the torture of family keeping a smile on their faces because they have to. Making jokes when he can’t remember things. Smiling at the discussion of memories made together but shedding tears at the same time because the loss is inevitable.
I read a quote recently that said “If you pray, don’t worry, but if you worry, don’t pray.” At first, I thought this was a very narrow minded thing to say. Then, I began to think of the depth of it. Because, I am an inherited worrier, I was partially offended by reading that. Like someone was saying I was wasting my time by praying. But, then I thought about how truly difficult it is to pray when you’re busy with worrying. How much time it consumes to constantly imagine how terrible every ending could be. So, I was encouraged by this simple quote. A quote that speaks volumes while using so little words.
Then, I received this phone call yesterday and now I don’t know what to do. I know at this point every Christian out there would have some generic thing to encourage me by. But after years of praying, we have found ourselves here. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen many prayers answered. Personally, God has never left a prayer regarding my personal life unanswered. But, what about the ONE. This HUGE one.
Monday, February 18, 2008
On a better note, my sister, Tracy, is here visiting with us for a few days. We are so happy she is here! Oh yeah, her stinky old dog, Jasmine is here too. Wearing diapers and all, she is approximately 15 years old. As long as she doesn’t croake on my clock everything is fine. Ha. We slept in, went to Chedders for lunch, and picked up a couple of movies on the way home. Roman crashed in the car on the way home with literally one leg practically above his head. Anyway, we are having a fun sister sister day and will probably resort to curling up on the couch talking about everything under the sun. Trying to convince her to move in with me. Every time she comes to visit, I think I get a little closer to persuading her.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
There were 14 of us tonight at Friendship group. It was – indescribable. God is truly amazing. I am thankful that He directed me to start this group and that he has brought others into my life to help. Wow, God’s presence was here. It is always a calming, gentle, freeing, and trusting atmosphere. Nothing but His direction could lead a group of girls to share the way they do. He cares so deeply about these sweet girls. I am fortunate to be a part of their stories and lives.
Tuesday David came home from work to tell me that he had two tickets to the KY Vandy B-Ball game! I called our “nanny” and she came right over to watch Ro for so we could go support the Wildcats and have a night together. Dressed in all blue we sat in the midst of many Vandy fans. Actually, if you could picture the most annoying fan EVER, she was sitting next to us. Although she was a nice lady, she was the one who knew every cheer, the spirit song, and every player’s name. Her voice rang loud above everyone else’s. Little did we know, the game we were so psyched about, would be one to go down in record books. One of the worse games in KY b-ball history. Actually, to put it lightly, humiliation would be the word to use here. Every time Vandy scored, the annoying fan next to us would jump up and down, grab David’s arm in excitement, and then quickly apologize. Final score / 93 52. Isn’t it ironic the way things work out? It was actually fun in a strange way to have our moment of humiliation to be together. At least we had each otherJ
Wednesday Ro pulled his table and chair all the way over in front of the big window in the living room so he could sit and watch the snow fall. It was one of the most precious things I have seen him do. He told me all about it many times.
Roman is going on the 12th day of sickness. Thank goodness we have had only a few bad days though. We don’t know he is feeling bad until the temp goes up and I feel the heat like a radiator from his forehead. He was almost better when he developed an ear infection. This did not make him happy. So, Roman and I had a slumber party Wednesday night. We stayed up ALL night and watched cartoons and ate at 3am on the couch. It was a sweet memory. Finally, at 5am he fell asleep and we sleep until 7:30am. So, on the third day of antibiotics I am seeing some improvement. Hopefully, soon he will be completely better.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Last night, we had our friends, Daniel and Alicia, over for dinner. They are two of the sweetest and most humble people we know. They have experienced so much that most people don’t even know. Daniel has seen many physical healings with his own eyes. Like arches in feet being straightened. They have seen multitudes of people coming desperately to Jesus. They speak three languages, maybe more! Being around them is always very encouraging. They, with their background in missions, help us to see the simplicity of life and appreciate our abundance of blessings. I am thankful that God has brought them into our lives.