A blog about the reality of God's presence, love and involvement in everyday occurrences. This is a record of my journey towards discovery. I often share thoughts on femininity, scripture, motherhood, creativity and ministry.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Balance

It was a Monday morning hike. Our goal was to get to the other side of the property where we would be close to the “moo cows.” For a one year old, it was a very long journey. The temperature was 75 degrees and the sun was beaming. Little did I know that this morning would influence me in the way that it did.

Approximately every two feet, we had to stop to blow a dandelion or stomp in a water puddle. This journey for my son was like touring the Grand Canyon would be for me. Every encounter was a new amazing experience. We danced with our shadows and ran through an open field doing gymnastics all before even leaving the yard. We stopped at the old stables to sit on the old dirty tractor. This was definitely Roman’s favorite part. I believe he could have sat there all day turning the steering wheel and changing gears.

The stream was my favorite part. At first my mom and I were just concerned with how to get to the other side. Then, I realized my son might want to see the water rushing over the rocks. So, we knelt down and watched. He carefully reached forward and felt the water then said “cold” while bringing his arms in. I then thought to myself “I would have taken my shoes off and walked through this when I was a kid.” So, I looked at Roman and said “Do you want to walk in the water?” He screamed “Yeah” and jumped in like he had been waiting for my permission. He was a little timid but amazed. We walked up and down the bank finding frogs, spiders, and fish. I made a decision that I wanted to catch a fish for Roman to play with so I ran back to the house to get a bucket. My original attempt was unsuccessful. It was quite a sight though. Mom stood near by laughing at me straddling a stream with a bucket almost falling in several times. When the frog I almost stepped on jumped in the water in front of me I screamed to the top of my lungs and ran. Finally, I gave up and decided to continue on our journey.

In front of us we saw three deer. They watched us closely and moved over to the side as we went by. We found these strange black birds with bright red wings that made very odd loud chirping noises. The grass was tall but Roman was persistent. He wanted to see the cows. When we finally got all the way to the end of the property, there they were right in front of us! I have never seen such shock on my sons face. He called them to come to him but they decided not to come. I think they decided to eat grass instead. On the way back home we picked up a stray, very persistent black cat. We later found it in our house eating the dog’s food. When passing back over the stream, I decided to leave my bucket in the water and come back for it later; hoping a fish or two may just swim into it! We were tired and it was time for lunch. Later that night, I went back to retrieve my mom’s mop bucket and found that I had caught six tiny fish!

While driving back home from Kentucky, I had two hours to think. I thought about the peace I had felt on our hike. I thought about how I felt carefree and I placed no expectations on myself. I thought about how I fully indulged myself in the moment I was living. Even if the moment was me trying to catch a fish in a stream. That hike caused me to breathe in air and feel the warmth that was all around me. I didn’t worry. I didn’t stress. It was two hours of hiking that felt like a month’s vacation to my soul. I found that place inside I lived in when I was a kid. You know the place where when you played your imagination took over and you were there in a different place in a different experience. You were so caught up in the moment. Seeing our surrounding through my son’s eyes helped me to sense the true beauty of God’s peace. I finally found it, that feeling of freedom from myself. I feel like my brain had been in multitasking over load. I’ve known it but I couldn’t change it. I didn’t know how. There was some computer glitch a couple of years ago and it has been hay wire ever since. No more. I found the problem and I am fixing it.

Balance. On my drive, I evaluated myself. We all need to do that every so often. I thought about all the things I want to be and how to balance them into one person. I’ve always thought about it but usually this overwhelming sense of anxiety comes in and I move on to something else. But this time, I felt prepared.

I want to be steady, free spirited, consistent, a mommy that my son cherishes, a wife that my husband is proud of, trusted, family centered, welcoming, warm, inviting, loving, open minded, myself, committed, sure of myself, compassionate, happy, sincere and spontaneous. I want to go out of my way when it isn’t convenient. I want to let out my voice. I want to not be held back when I’m insecure. I want to be oblivious when people are against me. I want to feel God’s peace more than once every two years. I want to live and feel the moment I am in. I want to let stress fall from me like leaves in the fall. I want to stop over thinking. I want to laugh more. I want to inspire. I want to let God rule my mind, my words, and my actions. The list of traits I thought about could continue on and on.

I thought about how I can mingle those things together to make me be free to be me. I don’t have to choose between this and that. I can decide who I am as I find it and add it to the collage that is ME. One observation I made when moving to Nashville was that, in general, people were less family centered. Time is spent differently here than the small country town in Kentucky where I grew up. God is showing me the positive in both places. He is teaching me how to mingle what I need and value into one self and one family.

Thank you God for using the nature you created and your spirit to help me get to a place I couldn’t find alone. Thank you for seeking me out in the middle of the country, in the middle of a field and showing yourself to me in a way I longed for. Thank you for taking my stress and lifting it from me. Just a moment of the peace you offer is enough to last forever. Thank you for again helping me understand the way I need to think and live.