A blog about the reality of God's presence, love and involvement in everyday occurrences. This is a record of my journey towards discovery. I often share thoughts on femininity, scripture, motherhood, creativity and ministry.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I've Been Thinking


I've been thinking. Life must be about decisions among your circumstances.

There is complete dissatisfaction.

There is complete satisfaction.

Then there is this "middle ground." Middle ground is a place you get stuck. For me, it is a place where I don't know what I want and become torn. Nothing gets done here. One day you feel one way and the next day another. Nothing ever changes here. Things you have dreamed of never happen because you never DECIDE to do anything. Instead, you wonder what it would be like. In a way, I think being completely dissatisfied would be better because then decisions would be made.

This is all personal by the way. These thoughts in no way are the thought of my family. I think they are all a part of a new chapter in my life. As I approach 30, I am thinking about what God is calling me to do. There are opportunities but I have to make steps forward. Middle ground is no place to stay. It is stagnant. My mind has wondered way to far in to no where land:) It is a evil trap. It could be the devil. We like to blame everything on him. I'm sure he likes me here since I seem to be doing absolutely nothing for the Kingdom of God in this place. Or it could just be me and human nature - to always dream about something different. Better or not, its out there.

Where did my passion vanish to? It seems to be undercover in a far away land. Probably is in "completely satisfied" land. I've got to get over this bridge. According to God, I've got things to do. I've got to get my eyes off myself and bring myself into an entirely different place. I think it is about balance, priorities, focus, and DECISIONS. I have two beautiful boys and a family to care for. It is a lot for anyone. But, as a family, all of us have things to do. Me, my husband, my boys, together we can accomplish many things in the Name of Jesus Christ who gave his life for us. I want Jesus for us all.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

29

29 when I realized life really doesn’t turn out exactly like you think it will. I’m in a strange state of mind right now. This is where I have found myself a lot lately. I think I am trying to work something out. Just not sure what it is yet.

Remember when you were a teenager. You would dream of what life would turn out like. All good and perfect and wonderful. I’m reminded of the song Somewhere over the Rainbow.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

I can totally feel why the words to that song were written. Teenagers don’t dream about fighting and dept. They don’t dream about sickness and stress. I dreamed about marriage and children. Those things happened. But, it is all the stuff in between that is different. It is my cousin dieing of cancer and my parents divorce that I didn’t anticipate. It is my son having a terrible peanut allergy. I could take my eyes off him for one minute and he could die from it. It is the pace of life and the absence of family. It is the expectations and failures. It is the relationships that aren’t there. I could go on but I’ll save it.

I dream now and there is doubt. I think this is why adults loose their passion. This is why most of them get stale. They realize the things they’ve dreamed of are somewhere over a rainbow.