A blog about the reality of God's presence, love and involvement in everyday occurrences. This is a record of my journey towards discovery. I often share thoughts on femininity, scripture, motherhood, creativity and ministry.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

What is this about Abundant Peace?

Psalm 37

1 Do not fret because of evildoers,

Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity.

2 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass,

And wither as the green herb.

3 Trust in the LORD, and do good;

Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.

4 Delight yourself also in the LORD,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD,

Trust also in Him,

And He shall bring it to pass.

6 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,

And your justice as the noonday.

7 Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;

Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,

Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.

8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;

Do not fret—it only causes harm.

9 For evildoers shall be cut off;

But those who wait on the LORD,

They shall inherit the earth.

10 For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more;

Indeed, you will look carefully for his place,

But it shall be no more.

11 But the meek shall inherit the earth,

And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

12 The wicked plots against the just,

And gnashes at him with his teeth.

13 The Lord laughs at him,

For He sees that his day is coming.

14 The wicked have drawn the sword

And have bent their bow,

To cast down the poor and needy,

To slay those who are of upright conduct.

15 Their sword shall enter their own heart,

And their bows shall be broken.

16 A little that a righteous man has

Is better than the riches of many wicked.

17 For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,

But the LORD upholds the righteous.

18 The LORD knows the days of the upright,

And their inheritance shall be forever.

19 They shall not be ashamed in the evil time,

And in the days of famine they shall be satisfied.

20 But the wicked shall perish;

And the enemies of the LORD,

Like the splendor of the meadows, shall vanish.

Into smoke they shall vanish away.

21 The wicked borrows and does not repay,

But the righteous shows mercy and gives.

22 For those blessed by Him shall inherit the earth,

But those cursed by Him shall be cut off.

23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD,

And He delights in his way.

24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;

For the LORD upholds him with His hand.

25 I have been young, and now am old;

Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken,

Nor his descendants begging bread.

26 He is ever merciful, and lends;

And his descendants are blessed.

27 Depart from evil, and do good;

And dwell forevermore.

28 For the LORD loves justice,

And does not forsake His saints;

They are preserved forever,

But the descendants of the wicked shall be cut off.

29 The righteous shall inherit the land,

And dwell in it forever.

30 The mouth of the righteous speaks wisdom,

And his tongue talks of justice.

31 The law of his God is in his heart;

None of his steps shall slide.

32 The wicked watches the righteous,

And seeks to slay him.

33 The LORD will not leave him in his hand,

Nor condemn him when he is judged.

34 Wait on the LORD,

And keep His way,

And He shall exalt you to inherit the land;

When the wicked are cut off, you shall see it.

35 I have seen the wicked in great power,

And spreading himself like a native green tree.

36 Yet he passed away,a]" style="line-height: 0.5em; ">[a] and behold, he was no more;

Indeed I sought him, but he could not be found.

37 Mark the blameless man, and observe the upright;

For the future of that man is peace.

38 But the transgressors shall be destroyed together;

The future of the wicked shall be cut off.

39 But the salvation of the righteous is from the LORD;

He is their strength in the time of trouble.

40 And the LORD shall help them and deliver them;

He shall deliver them from the wicked,

And save them,

Because they trust in Him


I sat down this morning with my biscuits and a cup of coffee at my dining room table. I opened my Bible to this chapter hoping to gain a few words of wisdom to carry me throughout my day. But instead I found God. I found the Holy Spirit alive inside of me. The words I read penetrated to the core of me. My son walked up to me and said "Mom, are you crying because you are happy. Do you feel Jesus right now?" That made me cry more! I realized that my son recognizes the presence of God. At only 4 years old, he understands the reality of Jesus.


God first highlighted verse 5 where it says "commit your way to the Lord. Trust in Him, And He shall bring it to pass." What is your "it." Mine is diabetes. God will not let me acceptt it. He continues to remind me that I will be healed. Every time I want to accept it, He says "No."


The next verse that changed me today was 11. It says "But the meek shall inherit the earth and delight themselves in an abundance of peace." Do you understand the heaviness of that simple verse? Its speaks a thousand words. I want abundant peace! Who are these meek? How do I become like that? Meek means kind, gentle, submissive, and humble. Abundant peace is available to us!


I love how David says "I have been young, and now I am old. I have not seen the righteous forsaken."


In 24, David says "though the good man fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds him with His hand." Isn't it cool that God felt it important to let us know that he understands we are going to mess up. He will not let go of us. He helps us get back up! We need Him and he believes in us.


God is so generous. I sit here and look around. I have so much. None of it matters. Yet, because He loves me so, He overwhelms me with gifts. I need none of this. This chapter talks about all types of gifts he gives, some eternal some not: the desires of your heart, righteousness, justice, inheritance, peace, blessed decedents, wisdom, strength and protection.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Possibilities

Today, I am thinking about my new year resolutions. I am thinking about all the possibilities in God.

May each of us feel His presence in our spirits, mind, and body, and rise from our beds of defeat, sickness, depression, turmoil, and lack, for God is no respecter of persons or circumstances.

He is able to deliver to the uttermost those who call upon His name!

I don't want to curl up on the couch every weekend and believe I am soaking in all that life has to offer. I don't want to believe that living in my beautiful home with all of my riches is the LIFE. God is LIFE. Sharing him is LIFE. It's not about my throne of accumulation.

My heart is breaking to snap out of my selfishness into what I truly believe. It is only myself that holds me back. I believe that when God puts passion in your heart for something, you have the ability to see that those desires you have are His. If your heart breaks for orphaned children, there is a reason! If you see the poor and see their misfortune, it's not just your personal kindness that is tugging at you! If you don't feel a thing, I feel sorry for you.

Because God is in you, He releases the burn of love, and it begins to blend with your own thoughts and ideas. Sometimes it takes a while for the big picture to emerge, but it is during that inevitable moment, when all the dots connect, that you realize God has set you up. The Lord has prepared you and plowed the way for you. He has put people and resources in your life to help you, and then everything begins to make sense.

This year each of us have the capability to be incredible. It's not about survival and excess. It's about confidence and expectation. It's about love. It's about the hurting, lost, and dying.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

MOM


David and I drove home from Christmas in KY a few days ago and talked about our visit. It was truly wonderful. Since then, I've been thinking about all the reasons. Most of those reasons can be attributed to Mom.

I am truly blessed to have been born to her. She is calm, loving and wise. Her motives are always pure. She is strong. The world may not know immediately how great she is because she keeps to herself. She doesn't need to prove a thing to anyone. After knowing her for any length of time, anyone would say that she is remarkable. Time will tell you that she is consistent. I can't think of one person she has ever hurt or offended. She avoids trouble and gossip. Even when she is just with us, her daughters, her words remain the same. She is always encouraging and positive. She looks for the best in others. When "the best" cannot be seen, she continues to guard her words. When others hurt me, she teaches me how to turn away. One could dwell on circumstances or be wise and release yourself from the concern. She is one of the only people I know that can be deeply hurt by someone and truly let it roll off her back, never harboring bitterness.

She has been through so much in her life: cancer, years in an abusive relationship. But every time she was strong. I look back and wonder how she always handled herself so well. How did she always keep it together? She knows we needed her as a mother to be strong. I have recently learned the difficulty of carrying the burdens of a parent. There is nothing more painful than that. One thing I have learned is that no matter what difficulty I experience in my life, my children will not have to carry the burden of my despair. I will find a place within myself, as my mother always has, and be at peace because of Jesus Christ.

Her actions or words are never to prove a point. But she speaks from her heart in love and wisdom. She never manipulates. I've never known her to say a thing with a hidden agenda in her heart. She is unbelievably kind. I recently realized that I can honestly tell her any given scenario and ask her advice on what to do. Her recommendations are always solid. She never retaliates. She has this amazing ability to set her mind on the good. Things around her can be falling apart and she sees the good in people and situations.

When she is with my children, she has a way about her that calms them. They want to sit with her and talk to for hours. They see what I do. The part of her that I adore, they see it too! If my world seems to be falling apart, she grounds me. Part of that is being my mother of course. But, there is more to it than that. There is something truly great about her. Even as we drove home from KY, David talked about it. She worked so hard all day cooking and cleaning for us and never complained. She spent every minute she could with her grandchildren, soaking in all the love of the time together. She has accomplished a lot in her life. I am so incredibly blessed to have her in my life. I pray that I can be just like her. She is still teaching me even though I am 30 years old!

Her house sits alone in the middle of the country. We drove over the bridge, past the barn and around the turn. There her house sat welcoming us. We raced inside through the cold crisp air. It was warm and dim. Everyone was there in the living room waiting for us: Dan, Dylan, Shawn and Tracy. We stayed up late catching up and laughing. The next 4 days were peaceful. We left only once to grab lunch with my dad. We played charades and trivia games (Tracy is incredibly bad at charades btw Ha!! joking) We watched movies on my sisters insanely large television. We ate and ate and ate. We slept late and napped a lot. We mostly stayed up late talking about weddings, pranks, ex-boyfriends, religion, and the future. Even with two rambunctious boys running around, the house remained calm. We don't always agree. Who does really? But, our guards are down. That is one thing my mom has taught me. Most of our offenses come when we are expecting others to hurt us. And if you are like my mom, you don't even know when someone actually intends to hurt you! I love that about her. We talked about everything. I loved listening to my sister talk from her heart about all the important things in life. I learned more about her. I don't want her to be just like me. I want to know and understand who she is. And we all learn from each other.

Watching my mom sit under tree and pass out each of her 1,000 deeply thought out presents is a tradition worth cherishing. I love that my mom puts hours into finding the perfect gift for each person! When you open a gift from her, you can know that it was purchased because it reminded her of you.

Sometimes you are ready to go home after days away, but we could have stayed longer. Thank you Mom, Tracy, Daniel, Dylan, and Shawn for an amazing Christmas! Mom's home is rich and full of love and peace because that is who she is inside. It is not something that can be manufactured. You can't pretend to have the attributes she posses. It has to come from your core. It has to be real.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Walking

Arise, shine; for your light has come!
And the glory of the Lord is risen over you.
For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth,
and deep darkness the people, but the Lord will arise over you,
and His glory will be seen upon you (Isaiah 60:1-2)

I shall not be overcome by darkness, the evil lurking in our midst. My God has given me the power to overcome. He rises over me and His glory shall be seen upon me.

Some people believe in only prosperity. Others believe that we are subject to the same darkness as unbelievers, suffering equal persecution and despair. I am not a name it claim it kind of girl. It's naive to think that speaking the truth is the only way of obtaining it. I believe, instead, that even in my deepest pain, when I am unable to proclaim, that God still rescues. When my thoughts are clouded, He finds me. I travel down a road quite frequently that looses me. I end up wondering where I have taken myself. Then, when I look closely, he is there in the haze ahead of me. He may not even say a word at times, but he takes me by the hand and leads me back. Upon our embrace, I may not say a word. Sometimes I have a lot to say. Sometimes nothing at all. He is tender. One gaze into my eyes heals the deepest parts of me.

I believe in prosperity because He has prospered me. Along the way have been many trials. Some very difficult. Though my patience and trust in God is often stretched, my foundation has never changed. When my trials come, I usually throw the normal two-year-old tantrums - the ones He expects from me. I could breath deeper and trust, instead I usually stress. The tantrums aren't His problem, they are mine. He is taking me to the same place whether or not I respond correctly. Eventually, I always give up the struggle.

I LOVE that God takes me new places. I LOVE that he is constantly teaching me. My life is rich and full because of that. I do not need to hold on to the same rigid set of beliefs and narrow-mindedness just to prove that I'm right. I want Him to teach me. I'm open to learn and to change. But, no matter the trial, He is prospering me. He is taking me forward. He is showing me how to love deeper. I don't have to be afraid of what He is asking from me. He created me to be a mother, wife, friend, to minister. He created me to do it all well. He created my family to love Him from our core and devote our lives to showing that love to others.

I believe the key to prosperity is walking with Jesus. I want to stay on that path, hand and hand with Him. Even if I get tired or anxious, I'm still walking. I have to be careful to make sure I'm on track with Him. I get off track. When that happens, I still believe in Jesus Christ. He is still my savior. But, I'm doing my thing. He waits for me to notice. Sometimes I don't want to notice. Prosperity comes in my life when I'm truly relishing in God. You know the nights I would rather be home with my boys on the couch watching a movie, but instead God wants me to invite friends over for dinner. Or when God wants me to not buy something so I can give a few dollars to someone else. It's an accumulation of all the small things. Prosperity comes from walking with Jesus.

There is a difference. Although we suffer through trials, we do not have to be subject to the same despair. The Lord arises over me and His glory is shown over me. I have a hope that cannot be found comparable in any other form. These trials are not without the hope of deliverance. Darkness does surround us. It seems unimaginable to think of thriving in this society. But, I have the creator surrounding me. I have the One true God to take my hand and walk me through the haze. I'm not ducking my head and running. I'm embracing it all.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Catching UP!

The past few months have been packed full of fun! We went to Panama City Beach in October. Our little family found a wonderful treasure - A little private beach at the St. Andrews. You would have thought no one else knew about it except for us! No condos or anyone on the beaches. One side of the island was huge rocks that darted far out into the water. We could walk out on the rock where the birds landed and watch the boats and fish go by. The other side was our oasis. Completely clear water, calm as bath water, beginning only ankle deep and reaching only to our waste at its deepest. There were little islands of sand out in the middle of the crystal clear water. We would take our chairs and our big storage container of toys and set up camp out in the middle of the ocean. The boys ran through the water as fast as they could without the fear of the waves knocking them to the ground. We went to St. Andrews almost every day. Once we had experienced it, we could barely stomach the crowded beaches laced with seaweed. But, it was magical. The temperature never reaching 80 degrees and the light breeze. We escaped the entire week with no sunburns! I can't imagine how that happened considering the amount of time we spent there! Jude rolled in the wet sand, dumping buckets of it on his head. And of course, we build sand castles and flew kites where the oceans meets the sand. Nothing else mattered that week except for those two boys. Barely dragging ourselves off the beach each evening, we made it in time for lovely sea food dinners at night.

In November, we went to Gatlinburg with my mom, sister and her fiancée. We stayed in a beautiful cabin on top of a mountain. We cooked gigantic breakfasts each morning and went out for strolls in the city for lunch. At night, we came back to light fires in the fireplace, make dinner, and charades. We mentioned changing to one of the other games in the stack we brought, but could not separate ourselves from the laughter and humiliation charades caused. It was all warm, toasted and smelled like breakfast all weekend. It was unexpectedly a very small cabin. We were all forced to cram into a tiny little living room to be together. But, it turned out wonderful that way. My boys have never felt so much love in one room! Even the fiancée got a taste of the dirty fingers and as we call it "wallering." It felt really great to be so squeezed together with my mom and my sister! We talked about weddings and babies and family. One day we took the boys to the Ripley's Aquarium. They were fascinated by the sharks and sting ray. Jude especially LOVED the new penguin exhibit. He still can't let go of his squeaky penguin mom got him at the gift shop - but the speaker broke. And Roman got magnetic jewels - he thinks he is a pirate.

The we jump right into Thanksgiving where we travel to IN to visit David's family. The boys absolutely love spending time with their 3 cousins, Jackson, Emerson, and Victoria. Jude jumped right in there with the rest of the kids this time! He has finally grown big enough to keep up! Roman especially loved playing video games with Emerson. All the family came together on Thursday. They boys got to spend some time with their great grandparents too! I did arrive with a fever of 104 and stayed in bed the first day. The second day, my fever continued around 101 but I was at least able to get out of bed and enjoy Thanksgiving. It was a hard trip for my because I was so sick but my boys didn't know the difference. They made some wonderful memories.

Jude is 20 months old! Roman is approaching 4 1/2. This is a very rich time for us. They are playing together so well and both are able to really express themselves well. Jude started speaking in complete sentences a few weeks ago. He says things like "I see bubba" and "I need milk." He repeats EVERYTHING and tries to play jokes now. He is right in the middle of potty training. He is pretty close. My guess is maybe 2 more months to get it down really well. Roman has a new friend named Jaedyn. She is 9 months younger than him but just as brilliant and exuberant as him. There is no one else in the room when they are together. He seems to have a little crush on her already at only 4 1/2! Can you believe that? Jude has to do everything Roman does. If Roman stumps his toe, Jude comes running with a hurt toe as well. Could I possibly want another one of these little miracles?? Still so unsure but the thought of my little family stopping here is a little heartbreaking to me. So maybe that means something.

Christmas season is here. Everything has stopped - well as of yesterday. I'm taking a break from pictures for a bit until spring comes back around. I'm choosing to soak up every moment this coming month. We have put together an Advent calender with a pocket for each day. A little note is tucked away in one of those pockets instructing us to do something together as a family. I really want to focus on Jesus this season and celebrate his "coming" with my children. Our notes include so many things ranging from shopping for our Christmas Angel to baking Christmas cookies together. I want us to turn our focus outward and give a little of what we have. The boys are singing carols everyday and watching Christmas movies back to back! It's going to be the most fun month yet with them being these ages. I am going to think and read and pray. God is changing me as always, making me better, and teaching me. He feels close. I feel His love embracing and guiding me. Looking forward to all the adventures the next month always brings!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Butterfly

My boys and I just had one of the most amazing God experiences of our lives.

Let me just start off by saying that God has been teaching me, over the past few days, about His love and immanence. He is present within each of us, within nature and within our lives events.

“Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?’ declares the Lord. ‘Do not I fill heaven and earth?’ declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 23:24

He is everywhere at all times. He never leaves me or forsakes me. When I pray, He hears my words. He knows my thoughts. He sustains all things. Everything is dependent on Him.

“The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life” Job 33:4

“If it were his intention and he withdrew his spirit and his breath, all mankind would perish together and man would return to dust” Job 34:14-15

Whatever happens in nature is God’s doing and is under His control. The sending of the sunshine and rain, the feeding and protecting of the birds in the air, and the clothing of flowers are all credited to the Father. Matt 5-10

“Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?” Psalm 113:5-6

We were just outside about to come in to take naps. I sat in a chair with my boys at my feet on our deck. I was thinking about how the wind blowing in the trees was such an interesting sound. I thought about how God created what I saw and how He is in control of it all. A butterfly swarmed around us then flew away.

I started telling Roman how God made that butterfly and how he takes care of it. He gives it everything it needs to live. I then said “Wouldn’t it be cool if God made that butterfly come back and land on my hand?” I held my hand out and said “Jesus, please have that butterfly come back and land on my hand.” Roman and Jude both looked at me with curiosity.

In an instant the butterfly landed right in the middle of my palm. Roman gasped. It stayed there for a good 3 minutes crawling on my hand. The boys examined it and I said, “Oh my goodness that is SO cool God! Roman, God just had this butterfly to come back and land on my hand.” I continued to say, “That is how real God is. Even though we can’t see Him, He is always right here with us, listening and taking care of us. ” The butterfly then flew away.

Roman bravely held out his hand and proclaimed “Jesus, please have that butterfly come back and land on MY hand.” The butterfly instantly returned and landed right in Roman’s hand. It flew away again.

Tears filled my eyes and told God how amazing He was! He loves me and my boys so much. He is everywhere. He has the time to show us his love and manage all the world’s problems at the same time. I felt warmth in my heart. Oh, how special I felt to have the Lord Almighty showing His love to me in the way.

I laughed and said “Let us see if it will land in Jude’s hand.” I said it almost jokingly thinking that the butterfly was long gone by then. I held my baby’s hand in mine and the butterfly returned to his palm.

The butterfly then continued to flutter around us. It did not leave. It landed all over our heads, faces, arms, and toys! It spent at least 30 minutes with us until it was finally time to go inside. At one point I even went inside to grab my camera. When I came back out it landed right back in my hand and allowed me to capture some photographs of it! Jude was chasing it and batting a tennis racket at it. I caught a picture of the butterfly landing on the tennis racket as he swung at it! We laughed and played with the butterfly then told it goodbye as we went inside.

Roman, who has been tapping into his spirituality lately, saw a great work of God. We came inside to lay down for naps and he was in awe of God. He could not believe God heard us and answered our prayer!

God melted my deepest concerns. The burdens I carried just flew away on the wings on His butterfly…….






Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Bubby

I cannot believe it has been so long since I've written about my beautiful boys....

Jude is 17 months old! He is so baby-ish in ways Roman never was. He enjoys being taken care of. He wants me to spend my time holding and kissing on him! Oh - he always makes me feel better when I am down. Him and Roman started playing a little game where they would say "my momma" and pretend fight over me. Well, Jude, in the most loving way, does it now just to show love. He routinely walks up to me, wrapping himself around my legs, and says "my momma." I think he knows it melts my heart. He reaches for me with those little open hands, moving them open and closed, to show that he wants me. He would rather sit next to me and talk than anything else. Roman will be fighting some imaginary superhero right in front of us and Jude just wants to look into my eyes like it is only the two of us there. He looks at me sometimes, like it is an inside joke, when things occur around us. It is like he knows that I know what he is thinking. All I have to do it look at him and laugh and he is rolling in laughter. Today, in the park, he found a fuzzy flower and spent 5 whole minutes examining it. He puts so much effort into his thoughts. I've said that since he was just a few months old. He always thinks before he acts. He is NOT persuaded to do anything he doesn't want to do. This child knows what he wants when he wants it. He is so mild mannered until you cross what he wants. Things that don't matter, he easily lets slide. Sometimes its just not worth his energy. But, if it matters to him, YOU WILL know it! He is incredibly smart. One day he decided he wanted to use a fork. So, he asked for one, then proceeded to use it correctly, eating his entire meal with the fork. REally - it should take months to become proficient at such a task:) He loves his pictures of family in his room. He request it down quite often so he can point at everyone he recognizes. I'm thinking one day he will just decide to be potty trained. He tells me everytime he has a dirty diaper and when he feels like it he tells me he wants to use the potty! He is starting to get mad when I put diapers on him so it might not be long. He found the drawer I keep his pacifiers in. So, he sneaks away quite often and happily comes out of his room with one everytime he thinks about it.

Roman and I sat down to start his Kindergarden material this week. I'm convinced this boy never forgets a thing once he learns it the first time. His memory is so incredibly sharp. He will remember the details of how he learned anything from over a year ago. He loves our little homeschool. He asks me to have school all the time. He has so much patience. This week he sat at the table for over an hour calmly writing and learning. I was really impressed with how much he had matured over the summer. Roman is a very sensitive child. We have to be so careful about what we say around him. He gets very concerned about others and even animals. He wants so much to understand everything. He needs a complete description of everything that happens. He will overhear David and I talking about something and bring it up later, after having spent the whole day thinking about it. He does not like for people to be hurt or upset. He is especially have a difficult time with family being far away right now. He just can't understand why other people have thier family close and he doesn't. It is a very sad reality that he is uncovering. This boy NEVER stops going. He is full of energy and life. He sometimes fits in better with children a little older than himself. He totally in to video games like crazy right now. He is wonderful at them. I would have never of dreamed a 4 year old could play like he does! He loves being busy and on the go but always wants to come home at night and cuddled up on the couch to watch a movie.

These two boys are going to be very close. They are already great pals. Roman says they are "best friends." I have a feeling this friendship is a bond that will go into adulthood. They fight and scream but at the end of the day, they are bubbies and that makes me happy!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Routine

A few weeks ago I left my routine. I left my children for five days and headed to youth camp. A huge part of me was frustrated at having to do so. I thought to myself "Okay God - this is my fasting." I'm leaving behind what I want to do and going to serve you. As I look back on those thoughts I realize how completely lost I was in myself. But they were genuine. My life is full of love. It is full of family and ministry. Although I have many things to be thankful for, I continued to find myself lost. Days would end and I wondered when they had begun. I talked to Jesus and my words seemed to return to me. Going to church was another thing in my agenda book. I would think to myself “How do I find the passion I had as a teenager.” Back then, I would sincerely anticipate time to go worship Jesus with my friends. The Spirit of God would find me every time. I wanted that again. But is it impossible as you get older? Is it ridiculous to think of being completely on fire of God at my age?
So worship started. I walked to the back. I made a decision to make camp not only about serving Jesus but about finding Jesus. If I could only find Him again, then I could serve because it is all I wanted. Not because it is what I am suppose to do. I exerted every bit of my energy on Him. For the first time in ten years, something familiar came back to me. We worshiped Jesus for over an hour that night. The whole time God ministered over me. I didn’t care what one other person in the room thought about how crazy I looked. Once I let go, once I stepped over my own boundaries, Jesus swept in and swept me off my feet. There were moments I didn’t feel my feet touching the ground. He carried me as I danced before Him. He carried me through many years of living out my own routine. I laughed. I cried. I was with Him. He poured Himself out of me.
That night when it was all said and done, I lost my list. You see, I had a LONG list. A list of problems, frustrations and sickness. All that mattered was Him. As I worshipped Him, He melted it all away. He picked up my baggage and carried it away for me. I learned what He meant when he said that He is our refuge. I found rest in Him. There I was with my routine, adding new things to my list every day, feeling like God was a million miles away. It took me leaving my home, my children, my every day, and deciding to search for Him.
Routine is usually about us. It a made-up life we have created for ourselves. Routine is what we want for ourselves. I came home and found it again. It is hard to break free. When God does incredible things in my life it is not usually in my routine. It happens when I step out and follow Him. It is when I sacrifice my time or my money or myself. It happens when I decide to listen or when I take a risk. It happens when I decide to pray for someone to be healed even though it might not happen. It happens when I decide to look crazy and worship Him like no one else is around. It happens when I realize everything is okay because I have Him.
I realize that not everyone has the unique opportunity to take a break from life and do nothing but focus on Jesus. But coming home and finding this mountain made me come to a new conclusion. Church should be my camp. Twice a week I have the opportunity to go worship Jesus with other followers. My kids go to the nursery and I have time to do nothing but get lost in Jesus. I can let Him take over and minister over me. I need Him. I CANNOT go back to how it was. I CANNOT live without Him. I am happy this way. I hear Him speaking this way. I see Him moving in lives around me this way. I cannot go on living life as if my routine is what is best for me. I’ve done that for ten years and gotten nowhere. This is better. My children will thrive much more following the will of Jesus. My home with be peaceful yet passionate about following the direction of God.
I want to see God do extraordinary things. I want to see Him heal people from disease. I want to see Him change people and make them happy. I want fire to fall down and consume us all so that what He has done through us will spread all around us.
The interesting thing I have found is that Jesus is so much easier to find now. Two Sundays in a row I have lifted my hands and said “Jesus” and He was there. He amazes me. I feel Him overwhelm me immediately. His presence is our Home as Pastor Aaron said in church this morning. It is the most amazing thing in the entire world.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

The Love of Family

I'm am filled with LOVE as I think about this weekend. We celebrated Roman's 4th birthday! Friday night David's parents, sister and three children came to stay two nights with us. All the kids piled on a matrice in the living room and watched a movie together before bed. Even though they hadn't been together for a while, it was like they hadn't missed a moment. Everyone crashed on different beds and matrices on floors all over the house! Saturday morning we woke up early and had a big breakfast around the harvest table. At lunch we threw a Batman party! All five of the cousins played in the water sprinklers and ate Batman blue cups while sporting their Mommy-made felt superhero capes. My mom, Daniel, Dad and Sandy joined us for the party.

Roman loved having all of his family in one place. He knows those are the people who love him the most. There is nothing in the world like Gran Gran or Pabba or any one of them picking him up and squeezing him:) The love shown to my children from each family member this weekend makes me feel deep gratitude. Roman said "All my family is here." He didn't have to have any presents. He was just happy having everyone he cares about the most in one place at one time. I think Roman really appreciates time with his family since we live away from them. We grilled out and had a great time!

Saturday evening we went to Centennial Park and enjoyed the Big Band Dance! It was so much fun being silly with all the kids and watching them dance crazy to the music. We enjoyed snow cones and all the other sites found in the park. Before leaving town that night enjoyed the view of downtown from the capital building. The fountains were beautiful in the moonlight and the breeze was refreshing after the hot day! I was so thrilled to see how Roman and Jude interacted with their cousins. There is nothing like the love and friendship found in family. I grew up spending day after day with my cousins and it is important to me for my children to have that same opportunity. I also got to spend some good quality time with my niece and nephews. Jackson taught me to play his Nintendo DS, Emerson was my dance partner, and sweet Victoria is the sweetest most dainty little girl I have every known!

So Thank You to all the family that came out to Roman's 4th birthday party and spent the weekend with us! Everyone chipped in and helped with everything and my children felt so much love! That is the most important thing in the world to me. To know that each of you love my children and go out of your way to spend time loving on them makes me so grateful for each of you!

To me this weekend had been a picture from God. He had done so much for us already yet he continues to do more. I am thankful that He watches over my family and allows us to continually have each other to Love. May I always put aside selfishness and remember that Jesus is the author and finisher of everything. May my fears and disappointments melt away as I place my hope and trust in Him.

Roman Huff you are the smartest most creative and inspiring 4 year old I have ever known! Mommy is so proud of you!

video

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

My Treasure.

My family is getting sweeter. It makes me so happy to see how close the boys are getting as they get older. I watch them hit, push, and pull on each other and it makes me happy. It is pretty much a wrestling match all day long. I was never around boys growing up. It was just me and my sister. I was NOT prepared for this:)They are so rough! The fighting and yelling at each other - Oh my! Everyone says it is normal though. I'm taking their words for it! But they sit so close to each other that their legs are all mingled and they don't even realize it. They naturally lean on each other when they stop to watch something on TV. They are pretty much side by side all day long..... They have a very special brotherly bond. You dream and plan your family and this is the way you would want it - Two boys who can't be separated - Who look out for each other. When Roman sees something great he must tell Jude to come and see! They mimic each other. I always thought it would just be Jude following his big brother. But, Roman watches Jude and learns from him too. This is a surprise. Jude plays with a toy a certain way and Roman says "oh cool, how did you do that Jude?" Roman respects his little bubby. He sees him as another kid just like him - not a baby.

Last weekend we spent 3 nights with family in KY. We went to Holiday World. Jude road all the rides with his brother at his side. They were so sweet together! We also went to a huge drive-in. Saw Shrek 3. It was a great weekend spent relaxing and family!!!

Jude is 15 MONTHS OLD! I soak in every moment with him. He is a perfect baby. He is quiet, calm, and pleasant. He tells me when he wants to go to bed by going to get his paci and blanket then pointing to his bed! I promise Roman has never known he was sleepy once in his lifetime:) Then, Jude simply wants me to hold him just for a second then lay him in his bed so he can fall asleep on his own. He likes routine. He loves sleeping and napping. He has to have a lot of those two things and he is happy! We were out of town for Memorial Day last weekend and he didn't sleep the whole weekend because he was away his room and his bed. Jude doesnt care what anyone thinks. He knows what he wants and does it. He shows off every so often when he knows he is making someone laugh but not the entertainer like Roman. He has a plan for everything. If you take him off course then a red headed temper comes out from the sweet mild mannered child that will completely take you by surprise. He throws himself in the floor and refuses to do ANYTHING until it is done his way. Just this week he refused to take his milk cup for me. He wanted me to set it down so he could pick it up on his own. He is just so sweet ALL the rest of the time that you want to give him what he wants! He started pottying on command at 13 months. Stand him in front of the potty any time and he will make potty! Then a couple of weeks ago he started coming to me lifting up his shirt, pointing at his diaper, and saying poo poo. To my surprise he knew exactly what he was talking about.... right every time!!! So, he is on his way to being potty trained! He talks a lot! Every day it is a new word. Starting shaking his head yes or no to respond to a question. He loves familiarity. It takes a while for anyone to earn his favor. He has his select few people he goes to. Very picky this boy. But OH SO SWEET and cuddly. He is very loving, especially towards his mommy. Love it!

Roman is about to turn 4 YEARS OLD! I am so proud of all of his accomplishments but I still feel sad at times to see how independent he has become. He is my little twin. Pull out any pictures of me this age and we are the same from head to toe! This is only fair since Jude is David's mini me. He is very athletic. He can figure anything out. A bit impatient though. Must know everything RIGHT NOW!!! If he can't do it the first time someone must show him right then because there is no time to waist trying to figure something out! He craves approval and recognition. He is SO dramatic. Everything is really really wonderful or a horrible tragedy:) His imagination is extreme. He creates scenarios then scares himself by forgetting if they are real or not! Ha! Loves going going going. He CANNOT sit still. He does things out of impulse before ever thinking of the consequences. I think he and his brother may be polar opposites. Maybe this is why they make such a great team! He tells me he is going to love Jesus forever and ever! He wants to be a preacher just like his daddy! He told me last week that someone was being mean at school all day. But, he still was their friend and loved them even though they were mean. He cannot figure out why anyone would ever be hurtful or mean. He wants to teach people to be better. His loving compassionate heart shines when he wants to give someone a second chance to do good. He believes deep down in his heart that Jesus takes care of everything. Roman Eli Crawford Huff has changed me. He challenges me constantly in many ways. My patience is ALWAYS challenged but he also cause me to see Jesus the way he does. He is a leader. And I can tell that someday he will be a very good one. One that loves and accepts without judgment.

Take away my home. Take away all of my processions. If all I have is this family and Jesus I am just fine.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Brotherly Love


In just a few days Jude will be 14 months old. This is the age I sometimes feel that Roman should still be. It feels strange having a second one filling those shoes. I compare the two and try to think of all the moments between Roman then and Roman now. My heart hurts because he is so big. I never want to let go of those baby moments with him - the moments where nothing else in the entire world matters except for me and him. We still find those every now and then but they are growing fewer.

Roman takes care of me. We went to the library this week. He loaded all the books in the stroller, wheeled the stroller to the counter, unloaded the books, then put them back in our stroller. He said, "You take a break mom. I got this." He takes care of his brother. I watch him from a distance. When we are outside he will notice if Jude puts something in his mouth. I saw him run in the house, climb up to the sink to rinse off the pacifier, then return to Jude and put it in his mouth - all so he would be safe. There are a lot of expectations on the first child. I am one and I remember. I expect him to be bigger than he is sometimes and I am working on that. He is very social. He wants to be around friends all the time. In fact, he mopes if he has to miss a day of school or church.

Sometimes I notice that he thinks like an adult. He has a lot of fear because of this. He understands some things on a different level. For example, he watches people around us when we are out without Daddy. I sometimes think he thinks he has to look out for us when David isn't there. Really I wish he wouldn't take on so much responsibility at such a young age. He notices everything and wants to know why? I sense that he will be very wise like his Daddy is. Who could go there whole lives asking that many questions and not be right:)

Jude. Oh my that sweet boy. I can't get enough of him. He brings me his blanket and paci and reaches up for me to hold him. He is happiest when snuggling with someone he loves. I recently learned that he is a runner! Put that boy down in a store and he is gone - running from one thing to the next checking everything out as fast as he can! We have always said that he has no fear and we are seeing that to be even more true as time goes on.

This month he has started playing chasing games. He loves to chase Roman in circles around the kitchen island. And he loves to run from you chasing him. When he wants to play he will keep running past you teasing you until you finally give in and chase him!

I make his lunch every day and put in on the picnic table outside next to his brother. He LOVES that. He will crawl up in his seat and eat the entire meal before getting up. He has also decided he wants to put himself to bed from now on. I lay him in his bed at night and he just goes right to sleep on his own. Otherwise, you could hold him all night and he would never go to sleep. This is very very different from Roman - the eating and sleeping part!

That hair is going to be the brightest red there is! I thought maybe strawberry blond for a while but no - RED. I love it! Now if you would just finally grow some!!! I think he still has the same amount from when he was born. It just dawned on me this week just how smart he is already! I told him to go put something in the trash and he followed my command. So, I have been testing him since then and discovered he can understand just about anything I ask of him!! Got our two top molars this week!

A person could never ask for more. To have my Roman pat me on the arm and say "I love you mom" in the most sincere way and to have my Jude rolling around in my lap with his paci and blanket. Don't get me wrong. Every single day there is a moment or more that I am overcome by fear or stress. I dont walk around all day overcome by bliss:) But I stop and pray, let God take over, and resume my place under His wings. There I find peace and rest. I am renewed moment by moment and able to see my life as it truly is - Not with eyes of heaviness.

I could obviously go on forever about my boys. Our lives are full of so much love that I am overwhelmed by it all. God's hand in our lives is so apparent that it has made my confidence in Him strengthen. I sense him stirring, putting things in to place. I am calm and waiting on Him. His way is the way without stress, without frustration, without failure.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Finding Peace


If I could narrow everything in my life down to what is the most important I would choose our family and our ministry.

I grew up as a young girl dreaming about my future. So full of faith that each of our lives are destined to accomplish something great! I believed that we all have shoes to fill. We all have a greater purpose given to us by God and a choice whether or not to fulfill it! I knew in my heart that my future held ministry. My experiences with Jesus Christ left me believing so passionately that nothing could change my mind. My commitment wasn't from obligation. It was from desire. I had sensed God so close. I had seen him move in my life. I had felt Him comfort me when I was alone. I wanted to stay close. I wanted to hear His voice and move when He said move. I wanted Him to make my voice loud and my influence through Him big!

Ten years has brought me here. Ten years of learning. Life gets crazy and I forget my purpose. But I am always reminded. He comes for me and shows me what I am missing. I am called to refocus and draw close to Him. There is absolutely nothing else in my life that matters more that Him and my family and His purpose for us.
I must listen, find His peace, and trust.

There are many things I would like to do. I dreamed of starting a business this spring. A lot of time and effort went in to my planning. I felt my mind get hectic. Then I sensed God slowing me down. Maybe we could have gotten rich. Maybe it could have went nationwide as I was promised. But it isn't meant to be for me right now. What is most important is where God wants me. My dream and His dream are ministry. To focus on a business I would have to give up something else. I do not have room enough for everything.

I love my children, enjoy them and resume my position as David's partner in ministry. I'm most happy with that decision because my peace is found in Him. On my own I can accomplish nothing. I am sensing Him at work. I think He has some surprises in store for us sooner than later.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Home

Yesterday, I ask God why I continue to loose my faith in His ability to help me.

It's the cycle of my life. I forget. I get caught up. I know the better way. Time goes on and I am there at the same place I have left so many times.

With unfortunate sadness in my heart I speak, "God please help me." You see, once you have known the PEACE of God, any other place is lonely.

I love the feeling that home brings. It is the place to let your hair down. The place to throw on some sweats and cuddle up on the couch under a big fuzzy blanket. It is the place to snuggle up with my kids and breath in their scents. It is the place to eat warm home cooked food and laugh together. It is the place you always want to come back to.

I have a place like that in my spirit. It is a place God takes me. I am home. His peace resounds in my soul. He infiltrates my mind and heart. I am oblivious most everything except what God is speaking to me.

I then say to God, "I am only here for a short stay. There are some other things I want to do."

I leave and begin a journey towards emptiness. I soon feel like I am lost between two places, belonging nowhere. I try so climb out only to fall again. I am overwhelmed. I wake in the mornings and want to go back to sleep because the day seems too big - too full of tasks. Nothing is ever accomplished. In exhaustion, I lay my head on my pillow at night feeling more overwhelmed than when I woke.

I plea, "God please help me." Each time He comes. Each time He loves me and mends me. He nuzzles down in my spirit and infiltrates my mind. He makes a home in my heart again.

Today, I read a book to my boys without rushing. I watched their faces as I told the story. The peace of God shines through me onto my children. They are calm. They are loving. And so am I.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Happy Birthday Jude



I cannot believe my baby is 1 year old. This has been the fastest year to date. It seems like last month my water broke and sent me rushing to the hospital to delivery this sweet boy.

His 1st birthday party was a lot of fun! Yo Gabba Gabba is his favorite show. Any time it comes on he stops and dances. He is so sweet saying "Go go go gabba gabba." So, that was his theme for his party. Although he was not feeling well at the party he endured and had a great time! There was about 40 people there to celebrate his birthday!

He is walking (when he feels like it.) He would rather crawl because it is faster. It is quite funny because he is climbing and rolling off of things but not completely walking. Every now and then he will see something he wants and take at least 20 steps when no one is asking him to. He is VERY strong willed. Of course, you would have to be with a brother trying to control your every move. But do not ask him to do something he does not want to do. He will let you know about it! He lets out this high pitched scream each and every time.



The boys fight already - constantly! Isn't that funny. They want nothing more than to be together but throwing pushes and shoves the entire time. But, when someone else is around I hear nothing but love and affection from Roman about his brother. True brotherly love already. It is amazing. Roman looks out for that baby brother!

Jude learns to do things so fast! For his birthday his Pabba and Poppy got him a mini electric four wheeler. He figured it out right off the bat. He gets out there on the black top and rides his four wheeler with Bubby on his big four wheeler riding next to him! It just cracks me up that he crawls to his four wheeler to drive it around the yard! He is already showing me where some of his body parts are! He loves his toes especially! Yesterday Roman got a jar of bubbles. Jude watched us blow them for about 10 seconds then crawled over and started puckering his lips together and blowing!!! I held the bubble wand up to his lips and he blows bubbles! That cracks me up! I love watching him figure things out!

He is brave. He truly has no fear. Riding that mini four wheeler scared Roman to death until he was at least 2! Jude never looks back. You can see the desire in his eyes. He sits, watches, then once he has it figured out in his head, he goes for it - But it has to be his idea.

He is very smart and a little mysterious. Where his brother Roman might be coached into doing some crazy stunts because he likes to be the center of attention, Jude is just perfectly fine doing what he wants to do. If you don't like it, then get over it! It takes a while before he decides if he trust someone or not. He likes dependability. Roman on the other hand, if you are going to take him somewhere cool, he will go anywhere with just about anyone - just as long as he knows he is coming back home.

Roman is Mr. Creativity. The list of made up words is still lengthening. The newest addition is "Treadja." If something disappointing happens he says "oh treadja." It is hilarious! He listens and hears EVERYTHING. He understands some things on an adult level. He is curious. For example, he wants to know who everyone is that I speak to. Not only does he want there name but he wants to know where they live and what they do. He proceeds each of those conversations with "Maybe I can visit their house sometime." He love people and loves to lean about what different people like. He really cares deep in his heart. He wants everyone to be as happy as he is.

They are both LOVING the outdoors. David can't seem to get why I let them both play in the dirt but they love it! Jude's favorite thing to do outside is to dig in pots. He finds is fascinating to keep digging through all the wet soil until something interesting comes along like a rock or stem! They are both beautiful. Both of my boys are perfect! They make me so very happy.

I love their differences. Both are amazing in their own uniqueness. Using different gifts from above, both will accomplish amazing things in their lifetimes.

Happy Birthday Jude! We are so blessed to have you in our lives.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Jude 10/11 months

Where does time go? Really. It is frightening. Yesterday was groundhog’s day - my late Grandpa Peech’s birthday. I feel like a groundhog. Since Christmas things have seemed like a blur. You think the busyness of Christmas would have been the blur but it’s now. I’m not sure why. I’m ready to pop my head out from underground and get out of this spot. Jude had RSV, David’s dad had unexpected open heart surgery, and we have been trying to make some pretty important decisions. We have known for a while that David was going to start a graduate program at a seminary. We have been trying to decide when and where. And then I have had some personal things looming over my head. Just tasks that I needed to complete. They keep building up and I didn’t seem to be accomplishing anything. I am also in the process of working out the details of a small business I want to start this spring. I hope it happens. Right now it is all up to me. Can I do this while taking care of my family, working in ministry, and supporting David through school?

So, it is February. I feel encouraged. Valentines Day and Easter just around the corner means spring is on the way. I like seeing all those seed packets on the shelves. It makes me excited about planting and growing this year!

Jude is just finishing up his 10th month. I cannot believe it! His birthday is just around the corner. My baby will soon be a toddler. He has really started to understand what I am saying. He is starting to follow commands and respond to what I am saying in new ways. He finally has started spending a little time playing on his own or with his brother. I was watching him today playing in the floor. It is so strange. I use to sit and watch Roman play all by him. He would go through all his toys to figure them out and experiment with each one. Jude sits and stares at Roman. Everything Roman touches Jude’s eyes are drawn to. Jude can’t play with one toy long because he immediately wants what Roman has. And Roman goes from one toy to the next so quickly that it rarely allows Jude time to play with anything. His days are basically spent watching, following, and grabbing. Thursdays when Roman is in school, our time together is a little different. He will actually spend a moment discovering and playing with his toys. One thing that is so sweet about him is that he will find one thing he likes and carry it around for hours. He has to take it everywhere with him. So, while he is chasing Roman, he might have something in his hand he is holding on to just in case he has a moment to play with it!

Still can’t figure out if he is going to be left or right handed. With Ro, I already new at this point. This makes me wonder if he is going to be left handed. Right now, he uses both equally. Jude is definately starting to like spending more time with David. He is reaching for Daddy more and getting excited when he sees him. But, when I leave, he wonders around the house whining and will sometimes sit next to the back door. This week, David caught him in the back of the house away from everyone else sitting in the dark. When I got home that night I told David that where he was sitting was where I was earlier that day when he wanted me to hold him and I couldn’t. He went back to look for me there. Jude got 5 teeth this month making a grand total of 7! He is so close to walking. I think it will be this month for sure! I love this boy!

Roman is enjoying playing with his brother of course but is getting frustrated. He is basically being followed all day long. This keeps him company most of the time but he gets mad when Jude destroys EVERYTHING he builds. - 0r knocks his batcave over And the poor guy gets in trouble so much for being too rough with Jude. But Jude is always at his feet!

Roman went to the Ringling Bros Circus this month! He had the best time ever. At the pre-show he got called out by a clown to go in the ring and assist with a trick. He was so brave! I couldn’t believe he went out there in front of all those people. This little cute dog ran back and forth under Roman’s legs. Aunt Tracy and Shawn went with us. Roman was in awe the whole time.

We have been having school at home since Christmas. Roman is brilliant. I barely have to teach him and when I do He has it after one time. I went and bought kindergarten material this week. Roman has already done almost all the language arts material! I guess I will go to the 1st grade material soon. The other subject is math. He has completed at least ½ of it. I had no idea until I got it home to see what all kindergarten covered. He has over a year before he is even suppose to start Kindergarten! Roman is just so big. When I pick him up his legs hand down past my knees already. I can’t believe time passes so quickly!

So February is going to be a little more encouraging for me than January. It wasn’t a bad month but every now and then you just get stuck in a rut. And I did this month. It is not always preventable. When there is illness in the family it makes everything more complicated. But God has brought us all safely through this time and hopefully we are on the other side of it all. I can only put my trust in Him and not carry the heaviness of life on my own.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Emotional Unstable Hypochondriac

If you are reading this, and you are a mother, I am sure you have wondered what it would be like to be diagnosed with a deadly disease. I am convinced every woman has those thoughts but being a mother intensifies those one hundred times over.

Motherhood turns you in to some sort of emotional unstable hypochondriac. We worry about everything. The only hope we have is that somehow we adapt, learn to control our thoughts, and put let God be the boss. Much easier said than done. But, it’s a fight worth fighting.

First, we ONLY have our children’s health and happiness in our hands; then, we have to balance our family dynamics, work, eat, feed our souls, take a shower, teach our children preschool, and keep it together for our husband’s sakes... Somewhere in the middle of it all it would be nice to at least hold a glimpse of who you are as an individual. Somewhere inside of me there is a girl who dreamed of what I wanted to be. Of course, those dreams included family and two sweet boys and ministry. But, there was also me. This girl wanted to feel and breathe in life to its fullest.

Four months ago, a doctor told me than my blood work indicated I had an autoimmune disorder, specifically Scleroderma. She did not know enough about this rare disorder so she recommended me to a rheumatoid specialist. Then, there was a wait. Four months of waiting. Everyone said “Don’t worry. It may be nothing. Wait to talk to the specialist before you worry.”

Do you know what I did? I read everything there is to read about Scleroderma. Every single ache and pain in my body my mind was attributing to this disease. I thought about the girl who would never become all that she dreamed of. I was torn. My heart and Spirit held on tight to God’s word. The Spirit of God within me sensed the hand of my King working. There were moments I was calm and confident. Then, the emotional unstable hypochondriac would take over my body. I would sit in my baby’s room while nursing him and imagine what my children would have to endure without a mother. I would secretly think of every single detail. How would David raise these children on his own? What would they think when I never came home again?

It was a dark place. Satan and his demonic spirits are here and ramped on Earth to steal, kill, and destroy. I was a fighting, trying to protect my mind with all that was within me. But, they found me, in my weak moments. These quiet times once used to stare and love a beautiful new creation, were being overtaken by thoughts of defeat. I have no doubt they were there in that room with me many times over 4 months. There were moments I rose up and commended them to leave all while asking God’s presence to fill the room. It was a battle. I trying to trust and be strong. But, there were moments where sadness would overtake me.

The weekend leading up to the doctor’s appointment was difficult. Once, I even thought “Everything could change after this weekend.” But, the morning of the appointment, I was completely okay. My heart was beating a little quick in my chest but I was peaceful. The doctor evaluated me. He asked a thousand questions and moved every joint in my body. At the end of it all he wrote without saying a word. Finally, I broke the silence, “What do you think is going on with me?” He replied, “Nothing. I think you’re okay.”

I left that building and drove and cried. A thousand tons had been lifted from me. I thought about how it could have gone either way. I could have left that office with the opposite news, “You have only 5 years to live.”

I ached with thankfulness. I sensed the Holy Spirit with me. I felt Him speaking many things to me and teaching me a great lesson through love. I felt as though I was wrapped up in His arms, just as I do again as I retail this story. It’s a swarming feeling inside my chest. Have you ever been so excited about something that you felt like you were going to pop right open if you couldn’t jump up and down and tell everyone the good news? That is what I feel here in my heart.

Men and women are so different. In the middle of my battle, I said to David “Can you imagine a child loosing their mother and…..” He cut me off in the middle of my thought and said “No. why would I ever even think about something so terrible?” He is right. While our hormones allow us to love in a completely different and much needed way, they do consume us at times.

The real question here is whether or not I would have responded in the same way even if the outcome had been different. Could I possibly still have trusted in Jesus Christ to heal me?

So, I am learning to suppress that ugly emotional unstable hypochondriac. My heart and soul and mind all believe that my God is controlling my fate. I believe I can call upon Him in my times of despair and He comes to my rescue. I have faith that He is the one true God and creator of everything. Through lessons and discipline I am learning. Learning to not be overcome by life. Every single day I have the ability to be incredibly disappointed. And I admit, I have many of those days. But, they are growing fewer. I could come up with a list ten pages long about all the things I wish were easier or different around me. Satan wants me to live in selfish dark and gloomy mode. He wants me to live and function in the tunnel of disappointment. But my God wants me to be free. He was me to live a blessed and joyful life enjoying it to its fullest, just like the girl inside me always wanted to. It’s possible.

I just paused a moment because both of my children were waking from their naps. First the baby. I picked him up and wrapped him in his blanket as he snuggled with me. Then, I heard the voice of my 3 year old calling. I carried the baby to Roman’s room. He was stretching and yawning there in his bed. I walked over and he jumped up to stand on the edge of his bed. He said “I want you to hold both boys!” With a child on both hips I walked to the living room and sat them down. I walked over to my computer to finish this story. Should I think about how difficult my day has been at times? Or should I dwell on my two perfectly healthy children who show me love unconditionally.

Thank you Jesus that I have two children health and happiness to think about.