If you are reading this, and you are a mother, I am sure you have wondered what it would be like to be diagnosed with a deadly disease. I am convinced every woman has those thoughts but being a mother intensifies those one hundred times over.
Motherhood turns you in to some sort of emotional unstable hypochondriac. We worry about everything. The only hope we have is that somehow we adapt, learn to control our thoughts, and put let God be the boss. Much easier said than done. But, it’s a fight worth fighting.
First, we ONLY have our children’s health and happiness in our hands; then, we have to balance our family dynamics, work, eat, feed our souls, take a shower, teach our children preschool, and keep it together for our husband’s sakes... Somewhere in the middle of it all it would be nice to at least hold a glimpse of who you are as an individual. Somewhere inside of me there is a girl who dreamed of what I wanted to be. Of course, those dreams included family and two sweet boys and ministry. But, there was also me. This girl wanted to feel and breathe in life to its fullest.
Four months ago, a doctor told me than my blood work indicated I had an autoimmune disorder, specifically Scleroderma. She did not know enough about this rare disorder so she recommended me to a rheumatoid specialist. Then, there was a wait. Four months of waiting. Everyone said “Don’t worry. It may be nothing. Wait to talk to the specialist before you worry.”
Do you know what I did? I read everything there is to read about Scleroderma. Every single ache and pain in my body my mind was attributing to this disease. I thought about the girl who would never become all that she dreamed of. I was torn. My heart and Spirit held on tight to God’s word. The Spirit of God within me sensed the hand of my King working. There were moments I was calm and confident. Then, the emotional unstable hypochondriac would take over my body. I would sit in my baby’s room while nursing him and imagine what my children would have to endure without a mother. I would secretly think of every single detail. How would David raise these children on his own? What would they think when I never came home again?
It was a dark place. Satan and his demonic spirits are here and ramped on Earth to steal, kill, and destroy. I was a fighting, trying to protect my mind with all that was within me. But, they found me, in my weak moments. These quiet times once used to stare and love a beautiful new creation, were being overtaken by thoughts of defeat. I have no doubt they were there in that room with me many times over 4 months. There were moments I rose up and commended them to leave all while asking God’s presence to fill the room. It was a battle. I trying to trust and be strong. But, there were moments where sadness would overtake me.
The weekend leading up to the doctor’s appointment was difficult. Once, I even thought “Everything could change after this weekend.” But, the morning of the appointment, I was completely okay. My heart was beating a little quick in my chest but I was peaceful. The doctor evaluated me. He asked a thousand questions and moved every joint in my body. At the end of it all he wrote without saying a word. Finally, I broke the silence, “What do you think is going on with me?” He replied, “Nothing. I think you’re okay.”
I left that building and drove and cried. A thousand tons had been lifted from me. I thought about how it could have gone either way. I could have left that office with the opposite news, “You have only 5 years to live.”
I ached with thankfulness. I sensed the Holy Spirit with me. I felt Him speaking many things to me and teaching me a great lesson through love. I felt as though I was wrapped up in His arms, just as I do again as I retail this story. It’s a swarming feeling inside my chest. Have you ever been so excited about something that you felt like you were going to pop right open if you couldn’t jump up and down and tell everyone the good news? That is what I feel here in my heart.
Men and women are so different. In the middle of my battle, I said to David “Can you imagine a child loosing their mother and…..” He cut me off in the middle of my thought and said “No. why would I ever even think about something so terrible?” He is right. While our hormones allow us to love in a completely different and much needed way, they do consume us at times.
The real question here is whether or not I would have responded in the same way even if the outcome had been different. Could I possibly still have trusted in Jesus Christ to heal me?
So, I am learning to suppress that ugly emotional unstable hypochondriac. My heart and soul and mind all believe that my God is controlling my fate. I believe I can call upon Him in my times of despair and He comes to my rescue. I have faith that He is the one true God and creator of everything. Through lessons and discipline I am learning. Learning to not be overcome by life. Every single day I have the ability to be incredibly disappointed. And I admit, I have many of those days. But, they are growing fewer. I could come up with a list ten pages long about all the things I wish were easier or different around me. Satan wants me to live in selfish dark and gloomy mode. He wants me to live and function in the tunnel of disappointment. But my God wants me to be free. He was me to live a blessed and joyful life enjoying it to its fullest, just like the girl inside me always wanted to. It’s possible.
I just paused a moment because both of my children were waking from their naps. First the baby. I picked him up and wrapped him in his blanket as he snuggled with me. Then, I heard the voice of my 3 year old calling. I carried the baby to Roman’s room. He was stretching and yawning there in his bed. I walked over and he jumped up to stand on the edge of his bed. He said “I want you to hold both boys!” With a child on both hips I walked to the living room and sat them down. I walked over to my computer to finish this story. Should I think about how difficult my day has been at times? Or should I dwell on my two perfectly healthy children who show me love unconditionally.
Thank you Jesus that I have two children health and happiness to think about.
20 hours ago