A blog about the reality of God's presence, love and involvement in everyday occurrences. This is a record of my journey towards discovery. I often share thoughts on femininity, scripture, motherhood, creativity and ministry.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Brotherly Love

In just a few days Jude will be 14 months old. This is the age I sometimes feel that Roman should still be. It feels strange having a second one filling those shoes. I compare the two and try to think of all the moments between Roman then and Roman now. My heart hurts because he is so big. I never want to let go of those baby moments with him - the moments where nothing else in the entire world matters except for me and him. We still find those every now and then but they are growing fewer.

Roman takes care of me. We went to the library this week. He loaded all the books in the stroller, wheeled the stroller to the counter, unloaded the books, then put them back in our stroller. He said, "You take a break mom. I got this." He takes care of his brother. I watch him from a distance. When we are outside he will notice if Jude puts something in his mouth. I saw him run in the house, climb up to the sink to rinse off the pacifier, then return to Jude and put it in his mouth - all so he would be safe. There are a lot of expectations on the first child. I am one and I remember. I expect him to be bigger than he is sometimes and I am working on that. He is very social. He wants to be around friends all the time. In fact, he mopes if he has to miss a day of school or church.

Sometimes I notice that he thinks like an adult. He has a lot of fear because of this. He understands some things on a different level. For example, he watches people around us when we are out without Daddy. I sometimes think he thinks he has to look out for us when David isn't there. Really I wish he wouldn't take on so much responsibility at such a young age. He notices everything and wants to know why? I sense that he will be very wise like his Daddy is. Who could go there whole lives asking that many questions and not be right:)

Jude. Oh my that sweet boy. I can't get enough of him. He brings me his blanket and paci and reaches up for me to hold him. He is happiest when snuggling with someone he loves. I recently learned that he is a runner! Put that boy down in a store and he is gone - running from one thing to the next checking everything out as fast as he can! We have always said that he has no fear and we are seeing that to be even more true as time goes on.

This month he has started playing chasing games. He loves to chase Roman in circles around the kitchen island. And he loves to run from you chasing him. When he wants to play he will keep running past you teasing you until you finally give in and chase him!

I make his lunch every day and put in on the picnic table outside next to his brother. He LOVES that. He will crawl up in his seat and eat the entire meal before getting up. He has also decided he wants to put himself to bed from now on. I lay him in his bed at night and he just goes right to sleep on his own. Otherwise, you could hold him all night and he would never go to sleep. This is very very different from Roman - the eating and sleeping part!

That hair is going to be the brightest red there is! I thought maybe strawberry blond for a while but no - RED. I love it! Now if you would just finally grow some!!! I think he still has the same amount from when he was born. It just dawned on me this week just how smart he is already! I told him to go put something in the trash and he followed my command. So, I have been testing him since then and discovered he can understand just about anything I ask of him!! Got our two top molars this week!

A person could never ask for more. To have my Roman pat me on the arm and say "I love you mom" in the most sincere way and to have my Jude rolling around in my lap with his paci and blanket. Don't get me wrong. Every single day there is a moment or more that I am overcome by fear or stress. I dont walk around all day overcome by bliss:) But I stop and pray, let God take over, and resume my place under His wings. There I find peace and rest. I am renewed moment by moment and able to see my life as it truly is - Not with eyes of heaviness.

I could obviously go on forever about my boys. Our lives are full of so much love that I am overwhelmed by it all. God's hand in our lives is so apparent that it has made my confidence in Him strengthen. I sense him stirring, putting things in to place. I am calm and waiting on Him. His way is the way without stress, without frustration, without failure.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Finding Peace

If I could narrow everything in my life down to what is the most important I would choose our family and our ministry.

I grew up as a young girl dreaming about my future. So full of faith that each of our lives are destined to accomplish something great! I believed that we all have shoes to fill. We all have a greater purpose given to us by God and a choice whether or not to fulfill it! I knew in my heart that my future held ministry. My experiences with Jesus Christ left me believing so passionately that nothing could change my mind. My commitment wasn't from obligation. It was from desire. I had sensed God so close. I had seen him move in my life. I had felt Him comfort me when I was alone. I wanted to stay close. I wanted to hear His voice and move when He said move. I wanted Him to make my voice loud and my influence through Him big!

Ten years has brought me here. Ten years of learning. Life gets crazy and I forget my purpose. But I am always reminded. He comes for me and shows me what I am missing. I am called to refocus and draw close to Him. There is absolutely nothing else in my life that matters more that Him and my family and His purpose for us.
I must listen, find His peace, and trust.

There are many things I would like to do. I dreamed of starting a business this spring. A lot of time and effort went in to my planning. I felt my mind get hectic. Then I sensed God slowing me down. Maybe we could have gotten rich. Maybe it could have went nationwide as I was promised. But it isn't meant to be for me right now. What is most important is where God wants me. My dream and His dream are ministry. To focus on a business I would have to give up something else. I do not have room enough for everything.

I love my children, enjoy them and resume my position as David's partner in ministry. I'm most happy with that decision because my peace is found in Him. On my own I can accomplish nothing. I am sensing Him at work. I think He has some surprises in store for us sooner than later.