A blog about the reality of God's presence, love and involvement in everyday occurrences. This is a record of my journey towards discovery. I often share thoughts on femininity, scripture, motherhood, creativity and ministry.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


A few weeks ago I left my routine. I left my children for five days and headed to youth camp. A huge part of me was frustrated at having to do so. I thought to myself "Okay God - this is my fasting." I'm leaving behind what I want to do and going to serve you. As I look back on those thoughts I realize how completely lost I was in myself. But they were genuine. My life is full of love. It is full of family and ministry. Although I have many things to be thankful for, I continued to find myself lost. Days would end and I wondered when they had begun. I talked to Jesus and my words seemed to return to me. Going to church was another thing in my agenda book. I would think to myself “How do I find the passion I had as a teenager.” Back then, I would sincerely anticipate time to go worship Jesus with my friends. The Spirit of God would find me every time. I wanted that again. But is it impossible as you get older? Is it ridiculous to think of being completely on fire of God at my age?
So worship started. I walked to the back. I made a decision to make camp not only about serving Jesus but about finding Jesus. If I could only find Him again, then I could serve because it is all I wanted. Not because it is what I am suppose to do. I exerted every bit of my energy on Him. For the first time in ten years, something familiar came back to me. We worshiped Jesus for over an hour that night. The whole time God ministered over me. I didn’t care what one other person in the room thought about how crazy I looked. Once I let go, once I stepped over my own boundaries, Jesus swept in and swept me off my feet. There were moments I didn’t feel my feet touching the ground. He carried me as I danced before Him. He carried me through many years of living out my own routine. I laughed. I cried. I was with Him. He poured Himself out of me.
That night when it was all said and done, I lost my list. You see, I had a LONG list. A list of problems, frustrations and sickness. All that mattered was Him. As I worshipped Him, He melted it all away. He picked up my baggage and carried it away for me. I learned what He meant when he said that He is our refuge. I found rest in Him. There I was with my routine, adding new things to my list every day, feeling like God was a million miles away. It took me leaving my home, my children, my every day, and deciding to search for Him.
Routine is usually about us. It a made-up life we have created for ourselves. Routine is what we want for ourselves. I came home and found it again. It is hard to break free. When God does incredible things in my life it is not usually in my routine. It happens when I step out and follow Him. It is when I sacrifice my time or my money or myself. It happens when I decide to listen or when I take a risk. It happens when I decide to pray for someone to be healed even though it might not happen. It happens when I decide to look crazy and worship Him like no one else is around. It happens when I realize everything is okay because I have Him.
I realize that not everyone has the unique opportunity to take a break from life and do nothing but focus on Jesus. But coming home and finding this mountain made me come to a new conclusion. Church should be my camp. Twice a week I have the opportunity to go worship Jesus with other followers. My kids go to the nursery and I have time to do nothing but get lost in Jesus. I can let Him take over and minister over me. I need Him. I CANNOT go back to how it was. I CANNOT live without Him. I am happy this way. I hear Him speaking this way. I see Him moving in lives around me this way. I cannot go on living life as if my routine is what is best for me. I’ve done that for ten years and gotten nowhere. This is better. My children will thrive much more following the will of Jesus. My home with be peaceful yet passionate about following the direction of God.
I want to see God do extraordinary things. I want to see Him heal people from disease. I want to see Him change people and make them happy. I want fire to fall down and consume us all so that what He has done through us will spread all around us.
The interesting thing I have found is that Jesus is so much easier to find now. Two Sundays in a row I have lifted my hands and said “Jesus” and He was there. He amazes me. I feel Him overwhelm me immediately. His presence is our Home as Pastor Aaron said in church this morning. It is the most amazing thing in the entire world.