Thursday, December 29, 2011
There are others we choose to see. Those are the moments you look around the room and realize life is surreal. You are pulled back like an out of body experience to see it.
And others happen if we allow them. You wonder off the path to walk through the tall grass and trees to see the stream. It was beautiful before. The air was crisp and the sun setting. But there isn't much more amazing than sitting in a place you've never been before. Leaves crumbling under your feet and water streaming over the rocks. The trees are encompassing, tall and leafless. It's a warm winter day in KY.
These are the kind of moments I sense God. These are the moments I realize my life doesn't go on because I am making it go. It's not my successes or failures. It's Him causing my heart to beat inside my chest. He is the creator and the one who sustains. I can find rest in Him. In the quiet, in the stillness, in the unknown, He found me. I pause and allow Him to make Himself known. My life is much richer this way.
Monday, December 26, 2011
In my heart, I believed that if only I could have experienced a healing myself, then people would be more likely to believe it can happen. That maybe I could pray with others and see them healed too! Once I thought I was healed, it built my faith so much that I prayed for a girl I barely knew that her unborn baby would be healed of his malformations. One week later I found out her baby was seriously healed and that I was NOT.
It has been an ocean of waves these past 6 years. One moment I believe and the next I accept my sickness like it is my burden to carry. Like it was the one downfall in my extremely blessed life. Often I thought, others have to deal with so much more than diabetes. At least this was treatable. I can deal with this, even if it is forever. Recently, I finally stopped proclaiming it. I finally accepted it.
I don't know why God decided to heal me now. After all this time, He decided it was right. After all my believing, He waited until my faith was the weakest. I think in my circumstance, He waited until I needed it most. He knew there would come a day that I needed to know His power again.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
This is the story of your birth.
There were a few days I had been sensing you were going to come any moment. Since my water had broken with your brothers, I was fully expecting to feel that same sensation. You sat in my womb like a boulder, being the hardest of all three to carry. It had grown difficult to walk and my nights were sleepless.
On Oct 14th at 2am, I dreamt my water had broken and I could feel the trickling in my sleep. I awoke thinking “Oh yeah, that is exactly what it feels like!” As I lie there, I quickly realized there was truth to my dream. Very lightly I noticed the same sensation. I sat up and said to your daddy, “I think my water broke.” I got up and walked to the bathroom. A full five minutes later, I realized your dad was still in bed! I went and grabbed him and insisted I was serious! I guess the third time around didn’t call for much commotion. We called our friends to come stay with your brothers. I took a bath, finished packing and picked up the whole house before heading to Baptist Hospital.
The week prior to your birth, I cried out to God. There was a list of request. At the top of the list was peace. I had experienced a serious supernatural peace during my kidney stone surgery while pregnant with you. I wanted that again for this cesarean. From the moment my water broke, my heart rate never increased. I felt sure, that the moment in time had been chosen by God Himself. He knew I would have surgery for the third time. He knew the doctors and staff available. He knew the time. And I knew, because of Him, I was going to be perfectly wonderful. Even Stephanie who had come to stay with your brothers said, “I can’t believe you are so calm.”
In everything, from the beginning to the end, there was God. I saw my request fulfilled one by one. There were silly ones and those were also answered. My surgeon was out of town and my prenatal records were not at the hospital. The doctor on call was a brand new, younger than me, beautiful surgeon. Her curled strawberry blond hair and flawless makeup did not inspire me to believe she could, in any way, be a good surgeon. This was my third baby and third time with the doctor on call whom I had never met. I do believe God got a laugh out of that one. How ironic. For a moment, I thought, this cannot be happening. Then, at the last moment, because of staffing issues, the hospitalist, a well known 30 year veteran of OBGYN, came to assist her. Can it get better than that? He practically did the whole surgery.
I laughed and talked to the staff the whole procedure, counting the moments until I heard your cry. We all guessed what color your hair would be. Daddy has always done so well holding my hand and talking me through the cesareans. He had the camera and video ready to capture you! It all seemed so surreal - like the past 9 months had all been a dream and that this moment in time was too good to be true. I was really about to be a mother of three, a mother to a baby girl! They said, “She is almost here.” Then, at 8:01am, I heard your cry and you were wrapped up and handed right to me! Your eyes wide open and your skin pressed against my face, I held you and cried. You were nothing like I had expected. Your dark hair and dark complexion caught me off guard. You were absolutely perfect and dainty. Your round face and tucked in bottom lip looked so familiar. You look so much like your older brother, Roman! I could not believe your hair! My baby girl had more hair than either of the boys. Perfect for bows!!! When it was wet, it was kinky – like it may be curly someday. I watched them clean you up next to me and watched your daddy take picture after picture of you. You were wonderful. Your cry was more like a squeal in a girlish high pitched way, much different that your brothers. Your features were all much smaller than your brothers yet you were the perfect size. I was use to seeing huge feet and long toes at the end of those skinny legs. This time, it was tiny feet and hands I saw. Dainty is the word. All part of being a girl I assume.
The next few days in the hospital went just as easy and peaceful and the delivery. I couldn’t get over how little pain I had the entire time. All those normal things, unflattering things, that happen when you have a baby were happening in very minimal proportions. It was all so easy this time. I could have left the hospital the day I had you. It was by far the easiest delivery and recovery out of all three.
You were perfect in every way, born at 37 weeks gestation, 6 pounds and 11 ounces, 19 inches long. Your brothers came to the hospital to visit you the next day. I have never seen two boys so infatuated. Jude said “Mommy, I knew that baby sister was going to come out of your tummy.” They both said “Awe” 100 times while petting you and holding your hand. They fought over who would hold you first. Since the day they first encountered you, that hasn’t changed. They take care of you. They love you beyond words.
Estella Rose Malynn Huff. Your mommy, daddy and brothers, Roman and Jude, love you. We welcome you into our family. We’ve all anticipated your arrival and now that you are here, we could not be more impressed with who you are. We are thankful that God has given you to us!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
1 John 5:1-15
Amazingly, there was a pool that brought healing to the sick, blind, lame and paralyzed in Bethesda. At a certain time, an angel would come down and stir the water. When, the water was stirred, the first person into the water would be healed.
Jesus found a man by the water. This man had been sick for 38 years! Jesus asked him, "Do you want to be made well?" He replied, "Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me."
Jesuss said to him, "Rise, take up your bed and walk."
The man had not even known that this man was Jesus himself until later. Jesus revealed Himself to the man again later where he said, "See, you have been made well. Sin no more, lest a worse thing come upon you."
I have heard this story told many times. The emphasis is always on the fact that Jesus healed or even that He did it on the Sabbath. The Jews that surrounded the man insulted him for taking up his bed and walking on the Sabbath.
I saw something completely different today in the story that I had not seen before. Obviously, there were others around this man. He was not alone. After his healing, Jesus dissappeared, and the man got up!! What happened next here? The Jews lectured the man on NOT being healed on the Sabbath.
All this time, this man had been waiting there by the water. He waited and waited after 38 years of his infirmity. Everytime he would try to pull himself into the pool, others would jump in first. The Bible says that "a great multitude" waited there for the stirring of the water. No one ever helped this poor man into the water. EVERYONE ignored him trying to get there before him. Day in and day out, one after another, people passed him.
Maybe the key here wasn't getting into the water. Maybe it was the man's patience. Maybe it was his devotion to the hope that Jesus would come and help him. MAYBE THE KEY WAS ABOUT HELPING SOMEONE ELSE GET INTO THE POOL.
Jesus noticed him. Jesus knew no one else would.
My heart is broken. How many times have I walked right past someone waiting for help. All they need is a hand to get into the water. They just need my words of encouragment or my money or my time. All the while, I'm thinking about my own healing. I have a whole list of needs that I'm busy thinking about. Who doesn't have a list? I've been pursuing God for years on certain issues and I seem to never be the first one into water to receive my healing after the angle stirs that water. But, maybe it is not about the water. Maybe it is all about helping the person next to me be the first. Maybe it is about placing others before myself.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Roman told me today "I wish I could marry you Mommy but Daddy already did." He said, "But, I can pretend," and we proceeded to reenact my recent sister's wedding. Only this time, Roman was walking me down the aisle.
This melted my heart but it also made me think about our wedding. When I married David, I knew I was in love. I knew that all I wanted was every minute with him and a lifetime of shared dreams. I knew that I was a girl head over hills for a boy that had swept her off her feet. I knew that he was a gift from God and made just for me.
But, looking back, there were many things I did not know.
I did not know the man and father he would become. I did not know the way he would love me or the way he would take care of me when I needed it most. I had no concept of the richness to come in my life because of him and his faithfullness to Jesus Christ, to me and our children. I had no way of understanding the deep love he would have for our children and the way would protect us. I didn't know that I would never doubt his devotion to us and his honesty. Such loyality and honorability is rare and I am beyond grateful.
On Friday, May 27th, at 3:30pm, my whole world changed. It has literally been turned upside down, in an amazing way, and I'm not sure what to think or how feel about it! I haven't stopped crying or smiling since that time yesterday.
We squeezed the whole family in a tiny ultrasound room. I wasn't nervous or even phased much by what was happening. You see, 3 weeks prior, at my 14 week ultrasound, the tech and I both agreed it definitely looked like a boy. I was good with a boy, excited even! So, yesterday, I was more excited about my family getting to see this baby for the first time than anything. I was talking and talking and she had to interupt me to say, "Okay, are you ready?" I said "yeah" and kept talking. Then, I heard "There is definitely some internal plumbing there!" Normally, I would get that joke right off the bat. But, I just sat there and looked at the screen, confused..... David immediately started crying. Note: this is the first time he has ever cried at an ultrasound. The Dr. looked at me, knowing I was momentarily lost. She finally clarified, "It's a girl!" I started screaming, I think. I can just rememeber saying "What!!!!" over and over again. I'm sure you could here me in the hallway. Then, I cried - a lot. Laughed and Cried. Laughed and Cried.
I can't explain what I am feeling inside. It's more of astonishment. I am utterly thrilled and now this pregnancy looks completely different. I am so thankful for a healthy baby girl growing inside my tummy! I am amazed by God and His goodness.
I found these baby clothes, in the pictures, in my attic. My mom gave them to me a couple years ago but I never dreamed I would be able to use them! They were mine when I was a baby. I love theDaddy's Girl one!!
We are so happy to be welcoming Baby GIRL Huff into our family
I am 6 months pregnant with you! My tummy seems to be quite a bit bigger with you than with your brothers. I have felt really great with you. Well, all except for the kidney stone I suffered from last week.
After 3 hospital trips and 6 nights in the hospital it was finally determined that I had a kidney stone. It completely blocked my right kidney for 6 days until I had surgery to remove the stone. I’m so sorry you had to go through so much. I cried, worried and prayed a lot! You received a lot of medicine and radiation which I was not happy about. I feel confident that God protected you through everything. He has never failed me and I know He will never fail you. Now, I’m home and better, and hoping the rest of this pregnancy is a breeze so I can do everything I need to do to prepare for you. And so you will be safe.
Your room is almost ready. I’m using an old quilt I’ve had for 9 years. I’m so excited to get to use it for my girl! The walls are pink and I sewed a chair cover and bed skirt to go with your bedding. The bedding is all vintage cream to match the old quilt. I also refinished an old chandelier. I painted it cream, roughed it up a bit and hung jewels from it. I am beyond thrilled that you are a girl and that you are just who you are. Although, it is still hard to believe that you are a girl. It’s almost too good to be true.
I’ve been trying to name you for weeks. I have though thousands of names over and over. I am really stressing naming you!! With the boys, it was much easier. I have a list of names but I want to KNOW! I want you to have a sophisticated, not too trendy, timeless, beautiful name. I want it to have a wonderful meaning to represent who you really are. I want you to always be proud of you name. If only, I knew you already, then maybe it would be easier to name you!
I love you already. I love that you respond to our voices and to our touch. You are stretching from one side of my tummy all the way to the other already! Just a few more months to go until we see you. Try your best to stay inside as long as you can so you can be all ready to come out in our world as healthy as can be!!
You are 2! I look down at your hands and legs and feet and am surprised each time at how big you are. Yet, you still a baby and you wouldn’t have it any other way! If you could just spend all your time with Mommy, your blanket & paci and a couple small action figures, all would be perfect!
When you wake up, you need time to lie around and wake up! Your brother’s eyes pop open and he is ready to run a marathon. You find this annoying. Roman wants so much to play with you when you wake up and you get mad! You want peace and quiet and him not picking on you. 20 minutes later you are ready to go. You really enjoy your sleep and require more of it than Roman ever did.
You haven’t seemed to be affected by the “terrible 2’s” and I’m not sure you will. You are calm but assertive. You know what you like and what you want to do and don’t really want anyone telling you otherwise – unless it’s me! You don’t mind to listen to me or Daddy. You just don’t want your overly eager brother trying to change your mind. I’m glad you can stand your ground! That is a good thing.
Your favorite thing to do is wrestle with Daddy on the living room rug. You love playing with Daddy. You say “Daddy, play with me.” He plays much better than me!
I was recently in the hospital with a kidney stone for a week and you got to stay at home with Gran Gran. Once I got home, you told me for over a week how glad you were that I was feeling better. You would touch my cheek and say “I’m so glad you are feeling better Mommy.” Then, you say every night “I hope you don’t have to leave again.”
You have a baby sister on the way!! You like helping me pick out names and repeating them back to me. Also, the way you say “Girl or Girel” is super cute.
We recently went to water park for a weekend get-a-way. You really surprised us!! We have always said you had no fear if it was something you wanted to do. You wanted to do everything your brother was afraid to do – even go down one of the largest water slides with Daddy. After doing it once, you didn’t want to do it again. But, your mind was set to do it once. When we were in the pool you wanted to just jump right out of my arms and swim on your own!
I love you being 2! The stories you tell me are hilarious. You are starting to try and tell jokes and be funny. Your little language is adorable. When you get excited about something lately you’ve been saying “It’s the best in my life!” or “the greatest ever in my whole life!”
You pretty much are never fearful. You just want to do your own thing at your own pace. Your mood determines a lot about how you act. Good mood equals a lot of fun and a more easy going attitude. Quiet mood equals a leave me alone I’m doing my own thing attitude. They are each about 50/50!
You come out of your shell once you have time to relax and settle in a situation. Yesterday, at the park with the youth group, you jumped right in, ran around, and played ball with everyone. You were the star of the show because you’ve grown familiar with them all. But, you are not the child to smile and wave at every stranger that pays attention to you. You pretty much loose expression and become silent when strangers talk to you.
You obey well and listen to instruction and warnings. I don’t have to worry about you doing much of anything without asking if it is okay first. But – if you are told “no” you are fully capable of crying and whining for an endless amount of time to let us know of your disproval. Other times you are good with just saying “okay” though. I like those times!
I think you are going to be a great BIG brother. I seem to be getting excited about taking care of the baby girl. You are very nurturing, calm, and peaceful. I have a feeling she is really going to love you as well! You are getting excited about bathing and feeding her. I am sure you don’t fully understand the extent to which you will have to share me though! Right now, you can pretty much persuade Roman out of the spot right next to me just about any time. This sweet girl may be changing things up a little! Or maybe you will be being to share me if you’re involved in her care. We will see!
I love you sweet baby boy!
I remember when I was 5. I felt so big. I remember things I learned and friends I made. I remember thinking about which boy was cute in my class and which of the girls didn’t like me.
I can’t believe you are 5 years old! I’m seeing you work through your emotions and test us like nobody’s business. You are one strong willed child if there ever was one! You are always a challenge us and keeping us on our toes. But, you are my sweet boy. I love you more than I knew I could love anyone.
I love to hear your stories and watch your brilliance. You are full of fear but always embracing situations to the fullest once your fear is relieved. You “think” so much about things that you analyze every situation imagining what could possibly go wrong. You are quickly learning that often we miss out on really great things when we are scared.
When you are with your friends, you are much more carefree. You jump right in and lead the pack! You are full of life and laughter. You are extremely thoughtful and loving. Maybe we “baby” you too much, becoming crutches. Most of your friends have been in daycare all their lives and you have not. I believe this makes a difference. I love to see that carefree side of you!! You are so much happier!
You like things to be done your way. You are so interested in stories and your surroundings. I could tell you a story about a silly worm and you would listen intently then retell the story to someone else! I love that about you.
You tried t-ball this season and turns out you did not like it! The practices where you got to play casually with Daddy and friends on the field were fun but once games started, you were over the competition. So much for rules! You want to run and play! I don’t blame you. We didn’t like it either. You keep saying you want to play tennis so we may give that a try next. VBS was a different story. You LOVED it! Busy Busy Busy is what you like! You want to dance and sing and eat and play and that is exactly what you got to do.
You graduated from your preschool program and now your brother is starting next month. You will be starting Kindergarten at home with me. Plus – you are taking a day of fun classes at a local tutorial. You love learning and will be easy to teach!
We recently went to a waterpark for a small weekend get-a-way. It took you 2 days to build up enough courage to stand under the huge water tank that dumps on your head but your finally did!! It was a big deal and after a lot of thought you decided it would be worthwhile! You also loved the pool and learning to swim.
Mommy was recently in the hospital with a kidney stone and Gran Gran was able to come stay with you and Jude. You came to visit and hugged on me every time. You were so thoughtful and loving letting me know I was missed (even though you were secretly having the BEST time with Gran Gran!)
You have a baby sister on the way!! It took you a few weeks to adjust to the idea once we found out it was a girl. You would cry at church if someone asked about her. You even said “Mommy, who will take care of the baby since you already have two boys to take care of?” You were concerned about me and also what changes a baby girl would bring. You seem to be doing much better with the idea!
You continue to say you want to be a pastor when you grow up so you can be with Daddy a lot. Favorite thing to do is wrestle with Daddy on the living room rug (And play the Nintendo DS you got for your birthday.)
You and Jude are sharing a room now to prepare for the baby girl. You LOVED the idea. I think he makes you feel safer. Only problem is you hate sleep and Jude loves it. So, you do a lot of interrupting of his sleep. But, you try to sneak out and not wake him….. Sometimes you are successful.
You are funny. I love listening to your stories about your own little experiences. You have good humor. You build up your stories to make sure I understand how great they are by saying things like “you’re not going to believe this” and “it was the great thing in my life!” You NEVER stop talking. And that is no exaggeration!! You sure have a lot to say!
I am proud of you my big 5 year old but you will always be my sweet baby boy!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
EASTER. God's provision, mercy and love are remarkable.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
This is a truly beautiful Psalm. It spoke to me on the deepest level.
To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.1 Blessed is he who considers the poor;
The LORD will deliver him in time of trouble.
2 The LORD will preserve him and keep him alive,
And he will be blessed on the earth;
You will not deliver him to the will of his enemies.
3 The LORD will strengthen him on his bed of illness;
You will sustain him on his sickbed.
4 I said, “LORD, be merciful to me;
Heal my soul, for I have sinned against You.”
5 My enemies speak evil of me:
“When will he die, and his name perish?”
6 And if he comes to see me, he speaks lies;
His heart gathers iniquity to itself;
When he goes out, he tells it.
7 All who hate me whisper together against me;
Against me they devise my hurt.
8 “An evil disease,” they say, “clings to him.
And now that he lies down, he will rise up no more.”
9 Even my own familiar friend in whom I trusted,
Who ate my bread,
Has lifted up his heel against me.
10 But You, O LORD, be merciful to me, and raise me up,
That I may repay them.
11 By this I know that You are well pleased with me,
Because my enemy does not triumph over me.
12 As for me, You uphold me in my integrity,
And set me before Your face forever.
13 Blessed be the LORD God of Israel
From everlasting to everlasting!
Amen and Amen.