There were two things holding me back. 1. David did not necessarily want another. 2. Fear of pregnancy.
I prayed that God would reveal to David that this was right and change his heart if it was meant to be. I didn't want to persuade him. I wanted it to happen naturally. Just days after my conversation with God, David walked in the door with a story to tell me. He had been to the hospital to visit a family who had just had their 6th child. He had said to the mother, "6 children! Wow!" She responded with something like this, "You know, children are the only thing you can take to Heaven with you. They are with you eternally. Every other possession is worthless." He proceeded to tell me that this had changed his heart and the next words out of his mouth were God's answer. He said, "If you want to have another baby, I'm okay with it. It's your choice." That doesn't seem that profound I know! But, it was to me. I had not pressed the issue with him. This statement came from no where as far as he was concerned. He had not known of my private conversations with God. I want to add here that in no way to do I think children are our "possessions." They ultimately belong to God. But, they are great blessings bestowed upon us from our Heavenly father.
Then, there was the fear. Somewhere deep inside my heart, a deep fear had taken root. I imagined all the terrible tragedies that could happen with multiple cesareans. Some of my close friends and acquaintances were experiencing miscarriages and even deaths of their unborn. I was talking to a good friend on the phone who moved to CA last year. I was telling her of my fears. I said to her, "I have 3 healthy children. What are the chances I would have another?" She told me something I had always known but I needed to hear it in that moment. She talked about 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear where love exists. Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love." She was exactly right. I had been considering my fear as a sign that God wanted me to not have another child. As she discussed this scripture and the reality of how God works, I realized how ridiculous my thoughts on this were. After that day, God began to fill my heart with peace and trust.
Last summer, I encountered a family that made a big impact on me. There were 3 teenage brothers who loved Jesus with all their hearts. They were leaders. They played music together and worshiped Jesus. They were so respectful and kind to others. After being away from their mom for only 4 days, I heard the 17 year old say, "I can't wait to see Mom!" Ever since that day, I felt God change my mind and heart about what I wanted my family to look like. It was no longer about the dream American family. It was about the children that God had purposed for us.
One day I said to David, I think I might be ready. Then, I was pregnant before I even decided for sure if I was ready or not!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe God orchestrates every moment. If we are listening, He talks with us. He gives of glimpses of what is destined. He comforts us. He leads us.
I am carrying a baby that has been alive for 4 months. But, God imagined this baby before it was conceived. He knew who this baby was going to be and when it would be born before I thought of he or she. I couldn't pray for the sex that I thought I may have wanted. I couldn't change God's mind. I can only let Him melt my heart with the love that has bestowed upon me. I think God has been showing me along the way many secrets about this baby. I feel like I know him or her already. I have imagined the personality and even secretly a name. On the 27th of May, I may find out I've been wrong all along about the sex. God might have a big surprise in store for me! Either way, I am thrilled and in love with this little one growing inside of me. My fears have disappeared. I am trusting and feeling more peaceful than I did even with the first two pregnancies.
It's a beautiful day today. 75 degrees and sunny. My boys are playing in the yard and happy. I'm sitting outside soaking in the love of God in His nature and the love of my boys. Already today, I have been showered with homemade cards that say, "I LUV U MOM," flowers and pictures of rainbows!
More to come on our unborn after the 27th! I can't wait to share all the things God has been showing me about #3!