20 hours ago
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
This is the story of your birth.
There were a few days I had been sensing you were going to come any moment. Since my water had broken with your brothers, I was fully expecting to feel that same sensation. You sat in my womb like a boulder, being the hardest of all three to carry. It had grown difficult to walk and my nights were sleepless.
On Oct 14th at 2am, I dreamt my water had broken and I could feel the trickling in my sleep. I awoke thinking “Oh yeah, that is exactly what it feels like!” As I lie there, I quickly realized there was truth to my dream. Very lightly I noticed the same sensation. I sat up and said to your daddy, “I think my water broke.” I got up and walked to the bathroom. A full five minutes later, I realized your dad was still in bed! I went and grabbed him and insisted I was serious! I guess the third time around didn’t call for much commotion. We called our friends to come stay with your brothers. I took a bath, finished packing and picked up the whole house before heading to Baptist Hospital.
The week prior to your birth, I cried out to God. There was a list of request. At the top of the list was peace. I had experienced a serious supernatural peace during my kidney stone surgery while pregnant with you. I wanted that again for this cesarean. From the moment my water broke, my heart rate never increased. I felt sure, that the moment in time had been chosen by God Himself. He knew I would have surgery for the third time. He knew the doctors and staff available. He knew the time. And I knew, because of Him, I was going to be perfectly wonderful. Even Stephanie who had come to stay with your brothers said, “I can’t believe you are so calm.”
In everything, from the beginning to the end, there was God. I saw my request fulfilled one by one. There were silly ones and those were also answered. My surgeon was out of town and my prenatal records were not at the hospital. The doctor on call was a brand new, younger than me, beautiful surgeon. Her curled strawberry blond hair and flawless makeup did not inspire me to believe she could, in any way, be a good surgeon. This was my third baby and third time with the doctor on call whom I had never met. I do believe God got a laugh out of that one. How ironic. For a moment, I thought, this cannot be happening. Then, at the last moment, because of staffing issues, the hospitalist, a well known 30 year veteran of OBGYN, came to assist her. Can it get better than that? He practically did the whole surgery.
I laughed and talked to the staff the whole procedure, counting the moments until I heard your cry. We all guessed what color your hair would be. Daddy has always done so well holding my hand and talking me through the cesareans. He had the camera and video ready to capture you! It all seemed so surreal - like the past 9 months had all been a dream and that this moment in time was too good to be true. I was really about to be a mother of three, a mother to a baby girl! They said, “She is almost here.” Then, at 8:01am, I heard your cry and you were wrapped up and handed right to me! Your eyes wide open and your skin pressed against my face, I held you and cried. You were nothing like I had expected. Your dark hair and dark complexion caught me off guard. You were absolutely perfect and dainty. Your round face and tucked in bottom lip looked so familiar. You look so much like your older brother, Roman! I could not believe your hair! My baby girl had more hair than either of the boys. Perfect for bows!!! When it was wet, it was kinky – like it may be curly someday. I watched them clean you up next to me and watched your daddy take picture after picture of you. You were wonderful. Your cry was more like a squeal in a girlish high pitched way, much different that your brothers. Your features were all much smaller than your brothers yet you were the perfect size. I was use to seeing huge feet and long toes at the end of those skinny legs. This time, it was tiny feet and hands I saw. Dainty is the word. All part of being a girl I assume.
The next few days in the hospital went just as easy and peaceful and the delivery. I couldn’t get over how little pain I had the entire time. All those normal things, unflattering things, that happen when you have a baby were happening in very minimal proportions. It was all so easy this time. I could have left the hospital the day I had you. It was by far the easiest delivery and recovery out of all three.
You were perfect in every way, born at 37 weeks gestation, 6 pounds and 11 ounces, 19 inches long. Your brothers came to the hospital to visit you the next day. I have never seen two boys so infatuated. Jude said “Mommy, I knew that baby sister was going to come out of your tummy.” They both said “Awe” 100 times while petting you and holding your hand. They fought over who would hold you first. Since the day they first encountered you, that hasn’t changed. They take care of you. They love you beyond words.
Estella Rose Malynn Huff. Your mommy, daddy and brothers, Roman and Jude, love you. We welcome you into our family. We’ve all anticipated your arrival and now that you are here, we could not be more impressed with who you are. We are thankful that God has given you to us!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
I continue striving to relinquish each moment to Him as the day approaches of my daughter's birth. I've removed everything I can from my life except the necessities. I sense Him in these moments and He sometimes finds a way to reach my awareness. There is not a part of me that is not entwined with His will, design and power. However, there are days I cannot consider this. I find myself lost in the misery of late pregnancy. I am so very thankful and realize the ignorance of my complaining. I want to endure with a smile on my face, appreciating the honor of carrying my third child. But, I haven't slept more than one continuous hour in over a month. I have not completed a single night's rest without waking because of choking, gasping for air and pain due to acid reflux. The daily vomiting has returned and I want to sleep all day every day. Nothing appeals to me. There is not one activity I want to participate in. I'm hyper emotional.
I'm tired, to say the least.
I'm aware that none of this will matter one bit once I'm holding her in my arms. All memory of the suffering will be gone and I will be overwhelmed, once again, by the love of God.
I've also heard of the deaths of three people we know this week and others who are very sick. My heart hurts for these friends who hurt much more deeply than I. I think to myself, once the baby is here, once I return to consciousness, I want to change things. Is it possible to strip our lives down to what He wants for us? Is it possible stop everything else, to make our lives completely His?
In a moment when God recently found my attention, He ministered to me through this song. It's simple words hold so much meaning......
This is not the end. This is not the end of this. We will open our eyes wide, wider.
This is not our last. This is not our last breath. We will open our mouths wide, wider.
And you know you'll be alright. And you know you'll be alright.
This is not the end. This is not the end of us.
We will shine like the stars. Bright, brighter.
Although my life is richly blessed, there is more to my life than this. May the charades end. I want God to open my eyes wider to what He wants me to see. There is much more to this than how blessed I can become, how right I am or how talented I can become. Who cares?
May the days ahead be filled with the anticipation of this baby girl who kicks me from the inside now as I write. Her presence has already altered my way of thinking, even now before her birth. Her spirit has drawn me closer to our mutual creator. He tends to us now as a Sheppard tending to flock. There is a moment in time, very soon, chosen for her entrance and presentation to us.