Moments to Cherish

closing this blog

2012-01-19T20:22:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone! I will be closing this blog soon. I've started another at letloveabide.com. You can find me there. Thanks!

2012 Wonder

2012-01-03T08:11:00.000-08:00

All three of our beautiful offspring are here with us now and there is a major since of completion. I often look at each one of them and wonder about God's vast creativity and my ability to bear them.

Last year was difficult for me considering my illnesses while carrying Estella. I often thought "If I can only get through this year, it will all be worth it." Each day was another under my belt. No one may ever understand the strain on my body and the pain I felt carrying her. I was sick but knew that she was God's plan and it was my blessing to carry her. And I was right. The year is over. She is here and I have recovered. It WAS most definitely worth it all!

God taught me very new concepts of trust and endurance. Two awake surgeries and a lot of pain showed me that God is really worthy of our trust. I had always said it but hadn't needed to put my faith in action until then. There is nothing in the entire world better than being overwhelmed by the presence of God. He was there with me every step of the way. I recently read a blog entitled "Darling Louie" written by a friend. (You can find her link on my page.) She wrote "It's addicting" when attempting to describe these encounters with God. Boy is she right. There is not a better way to put it.

David completed his master's program and I completed my second year of running a photography business. I began Roman's first year of homeschool and my first ever attempt at it. After a ton of reading and referencing others who also homeschool, I feel I am on a good path. I'm following most of the classical curriculum suggestions of the WTM. Although it is more work than I anticipated, I have found it extremely rewarding. I love teaching my boys and am having such a great time spending tons of one on one time with them. I'm learning a lot too!

I ask God where He is taking us this year and I feel like He is saying "That is for me to know and you to find out." I know it will be good and maybe bigger than I realize. But, for the moment it is resting time.

So, I'm not sure what this year holds for our family. Usually we have tons of goals but not necessarily this time. I want to slow down and take in each moment with my sweet children and husband. I don't want to be in a hurry or frustrated because there is too much to do. I want to stop and talk about our dreams. It's our 10 year wedding anniversary soon. I want to have light saber fights in my halls and catch up on all my Disney princesses. I want to trust God and try to never worry. I want to take pictures of some adorable children and families. I want to snuggle with my sister's first born in June. I want to spend a lot of time soaking in the sun on my mom's countryside in KY. More than anything, I want to have a thousand addictive moments with God!

These are the Moments

2011-12-29T20:31:00.000-08:00

There are unforgettable moments. Those that happen whether or not we are looking. They seem to be out of our control.

There are others we choose to see. Those are the moments you look around the room and realize life is surreal. You are pulled back like an out of body experience to see it.

And others happen if we allow them. You wonder off the path to walk through the tall grass and trees to see the stream. It was beautiful before. The air was crisp and the sun setting. But there isn't much more amazing than sitting in a place you've never been before. Leaves crumbling under your feet and water streaming over the rocks. The trees are encompassing, tall and leafless. It's a warm winter day in KY.

These are the kind of moments I sense God. These are the moments I realize my life doesn't go on because I am making it go. It's not my successes or failures. It's Him causing my heart to beat inside my chest. He is the creator and the one who sustains. I can find rest in Him. In the quiet, in the stillness, in the unknown, He found me. I pause and allow Him to make Himself known. My life is much richer this way.

Finally

2011-12-26T18:46:00.000-08:00

I was diagnosed with diabetes during my first pregnancy nearly 6 years ago. It never left. Since then, I've believed. I've believed that God is the God of miracles. I like to believe in crazy supernatural experiences. The Bible is full of them and I just know in my heart those encounters can still happen. I've proclaimed it. I've been bold to announce it and then disappointed more than once.

In my heart, I believed that if only I could have experienced a healing myself, then people would be more likely to believe it can happen. That maybe I could pray with others and see them healed too! Once I thought I was healed, it built my faith so much that I prayed for a girl I barely knew that her unborn baby would be healed of his malformations. One week later I found out her baby was seriously healed and that I was NOT.

It has been an ocean of waves these past 6 years. One moment I believe and the next I accept my sickness like it is my burden to carry. Like it was the one downfall in my extremely blessed life. Often I thought, others have to deal with so much more than diabetes. At least this was treatable. I can deal with this, even if it is forever. Recently, I finally stopped proclaiming it. I finally accepted it.

I don't know why God decided to heal me now. After all this time, He decided it was right. After all my believing, He waited until my faith was the weakest. I think in my circumstance, He waited until I needed it most. He knew there would come a day that I needed to know His power again.

Estella's Birth Story

2011-10-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Estella,

This is the story of your birth.

There were a few days I had been sensing you were going to come any moment. Since my water had broken with your brothers, I was fully expecting to feel that same sensation. You sat in my womb like a boulder, being the hardest of all three to carry. It had grown difficult to walk and my nights were sleepless.

On Oct 14th at 2am, I dreamt my water had broken and I could feel the trickling in my sleep. I awoke thinking “Oh yeah, that is exactly what it feels like!” As I lie there, I quickly realized there was truth to my dream. Very lightly I noticed the same sensation. I sat up and said to your daddy, “I think my water broke.” I got up and walked to the bathroom. A full five minutes later, I realized your dad was still in bed! I went and grabbed him and insisted I was serious! I guess the third time around didn’t call for much commotion. We called our friends to come stay with your brothers. I took a bath, finished packing and picked up the whole house before heading to Baptist Hospital.

The week prior to your birth, I cried out to God. There was a list of request. At the top of the list was peace. I had experienced a serious supernatural peace during my kidney stone surgery while pregnant with you. I wanted that again for this cesarean. From the moment my water broke, my heart rate never increased. I felt sure, that the moment in time had been chosen by God Himself. He knew I would have surgery for the third time. He knew the doctors and staff available. He knew the time. And I knew, because of Him, I was going to be perfectly wonderful. Even Stephanie who had come to stay with your brothers said, “I can’t believe you are so calm.”

In everything, from the beginning to the end, there was God. I saw my request fulfilled one by one. There were silly ones and those were also answered. My surgeon was out of town and my prenatal records were not at the hospital. The doctor on call was a brand new, younger than me, beautiful surgeon. Her curled strawberry blond hair and flawless makeup did not inspire me to believe she could, in any way, be a good surgeon. This was my third baby and third time with the doctor on call whom I had never met. I do believe God got a laugh out of that one. How ironic. For a moment, I thought, this cannot be happening. Then, at the last moment, because of staffing issues, the hospitalist, a well known 30 year veteran of OBGYN, came to assist her. Can it get better than that? He practically did the whole surgery.

I laughed and talked to the staff the whole procedure, counting the moments until I heard your cry. We all guessed what color your hair would be. Daddy has always done so well holding my hand and talking me through the cesareans. He had the camera and video ready to capture you! It all seemed so surreal - like the past 9 months had all been a dream and that this moment in time was too good to be true. I was really about to be a mother of three, a mother to a baby girl! They said, “She is almost here.” Then, at 8:01am, I heard your cry and you were wrapped up and handed right to me! Your eyes wide open and your skin pressed against my face, I held you and cried. You were nothing like I had expected. Your dark hair and dark complexion caught me off guard. You were absolutely perfect and dainty. Your round face and tucked in bottom lip looked so familiar. You look so much like your older brother, Roman! I could not believe your hair! My baby girl had more hair than either of the boys. Perfect for bows!!! When it was wet, it was kinky – like it may be curly someday. I watched them clean you up next to me and watched your daddy take picture after picture of you. You were wonderful. Your cry was more like a squeal in a girlish high pitched way, much different that your brothers. Your features were all much smaller than your brothers yet you were the perfect size. I was use to seeing huge feet and long toes at the end of those skinny legs. This time, it was tiny feet and hands I saw. Dainty is the word. All part of being a girl I assume.

The next few days in the hospital went just as easy and peaceful and the delivery. I couldn’t get over how little pain I had the entire time. All those normal things, unflattering things, that happen when you have a baby were happening in very minimal proportions. It was all so easy this time. I could have left the hospital the day I had you. It was by far the easiest delivery and recovery out of all three.

You were perfect in every way, born at 37 weeks gestation, 6 pounds and 11 ounces, 19 inches long. Your brothers came to the hospital to visit you the next day. I have never seen two boys so infatuated. Jude said “Mommy, I knew that baby sister was going to come out of your tummy.” They both said “Awe” 100 times while petting you and holding your hand. They fought over who would hold you first. Since the day they first encountered you, that hasn’t changed. They take care of you. They love you beyond words.

Estella Rose Malynn Huff. Your mommy, daddy and brothers, Roman and Jude, love you. We welcome you into our family. We’ve all anticipated your arrival and now that you are here, we could not be more impressed with who you are. We are thankful that God has given you to us!

One Day in the Lives of Two Brothers

2011-10-11T18:54:00.000-07:00

A depiction of one normal day in the lives of two brothers before the arrival of their sister, Estella.

Relinquish

2011-10-05T16:42:00.000-07:00

I continue striving to relinquish each moment to Him as the day approaches of my daughter's birth. I've removed everything I can from my life except the necessities. I sense Him in these moments and He sometimes finds a way to reach my awareness. There is not a part of me that is not entwined with His will, design and power. However, there are days I cannot consider this. I find myself lost in the misery of late pregnancy. I am so very thankful and realize the ignorance of my complaining. I want to endure with a smile on my face, appreciating the honor of carrying my third child. But, I haven't slept more than one continuous hour in over a month. I have not completed a single night's rest without waking because of choking, gasping for air and pain due to acid reflux. The daily vomiting has returned and I want to sleep all day every day. Nothing appeals to me. There is not one activity I want to participate in. I'm hyper emotional.

I'm tired, to say the least.

I'm aware that none of this will matter one bit once I'm holding her in my arms. All memory of the suffering will be gone and I will be overwhelmed, once again, by the love of God.

I've also heard of the deaths of three people we know this week and others who are very sick. My heart hurts for these friends who hurt much more deeply than I. I think to myself, once the baby is here, once I return to consciousness, I want to change things. Is it possible to strip our lives down to what He wants for us? Is it possible stop everything else, to make our lives completely His?

In a moment when God recently found my attention, He ministered to me through this song. It's simple words hold so much meaning......

This is not the end. This is not the end of this. We will open our eyes wide, wider.

This is not our last. This is not our last breath. We will open our mouths wide, wider.

And you know you'll be alright. And you know you'll be alright.

This is not the end. This is not the end of us.

We will shine like the stars. Bright, brighter.

Gungor

Although my life is richly blessed, there is more to my life than this. May the charades end. I want God to open my eyes wider to what He wants me to see. There is much more to this than how blessed I can become, how right I am or how talented I can become. Who cares?

May the days ahead be filled with the anticipation of this baby girl who kicks me from the inside now as I write. Her presence has already altered my way of thinking, even now before her birth. Her spirit has drawn me closer to our mutual creator. He tends to us now as a Sheppard tending to flock. There is a moment in time, very soon, chosen for her entrance and presentation to us.

Not for One Second

2011-09-02T08:06:00.000-07:00

When a doctor tells you that he needs to do an MRI to look for a brain tumor, it is humbling.

When you are lying there listening to the machine roar, praying to God everything is okay, it is humbling.

When the Spirit of God brings back all the scripture you've ever read about comfort and refuge, it is humbling.

When you have peace, it is humbling.

When your husband is stronger than you, it is humbling.

When you can't walk to the bathroom, it is humbling.

When the hospital staff remembers you from the last time, it is humbling.

When your family and friends stop everything to help you, it is humbling.

When your children miss you, it is humbling.

When people clean your house and make you food, it is humbling.

When you are in intense debilitating pain, it is humbling.

When you feel your baby girl move inside you, it is humbling.

When you realize that not everyone in the world gets the honor of carrying a child, it is humbling.

When you see a baby and hear its coos, knowing yours is coming soon, it is humbling.

When your children make "Get Well" cards and send them to the hospital, it is humbling.

When there is relief, it is humbling.

When everything is okay, it is humbling.

When you realize you just have to trust, it is humbling.

When no one knows why except Him, it is humbling.

If it was a mosquito, I'm thankful it was me and not my children in my yard that evening.

If it was for any other reason, I'm thankful to God that He knows better than me and that He rescued me.

He has never left me, not for one moment, not for one second in time and He never will.

A Man Healed at Bethesda

2011-08-15T06:13:00.001-07:00

1 John 5:1-15

Amazingly, there was a pool that brought healing to the sick, blind, lame and paralyzed in Bethesda. At a certain time, an angel would come down and stir the water. When, the water was stirred, the first person into the water would be healed.

Jesus found a man by the water. This man had been sick for 38 years! Jesus asked him, "Do you want to be made well?" He replied, "Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me."

Jesuss said to him, "Rise, take up your bed and walk."

The man had not even known that this man was Jesus himself until later. Jesus revealed Himself to the man again later where he said, "See, you have been made well. Sin no more, lest a worse thing come upon you."

I have heard this story told many times. The emphasis is always on the fact that Jesus healed or even that He did it on the Sabbath. The Jews that surrounded the man insulted him for taking up his bed and walking on the Sabbath.

I saw something completely different today in the story that I had not seen before. Obviously, there were others around this man. He was not alone. After his healing, Jesus dissappeared, and the man got up!! What happened next here? The Jews lectured the man on NOT being healed on the Sabbath.

All this time, this man had been waiting there by the water. He waited and waited after 38 years of his infirmity. Everytime he would try to pull himself into the pool, others would jump in first. The Bible says that "a great multitude" waited there for the stirring of the water. No one ever helped this poor man into the water. EVERYONE ignored him trying to get there before him. Day in and day out, one after another, people passed him.

Maybe the key here wasn't getting into the water. Maybe it was the man's patience. Maybe it was his devotion to the hope that Jesus would come and help him. MAYBE THE KEY WAS ABOUT HELPING SOMEONE ELSE GET INTO THE POOL.

Jesus noticed him. Jesus knew no one else would.

My heart is broken. How many times have I walked right past someone waiting for help. All they need is a hand to get into the water. They just need my words of encouragment or my money or my time. All the while, I'm thinking about my own healing. I have a whole list of needs that I'm busy thinking about. Who doesn't have a list? I've been pursuing God for years on certain issues and I seem to never be the first one into water to receive my healing after the angle stirs that water. But, maybe it is not about the water. Maybe it is all about helping the person next to me be the first. Maybe it is about placing others before myself.

6 Months Pregnant with my Girl

2011-07-14T18:02:00.001-07:00

I Wish I Could Marry you Mommy

2011-07-14T17:59:00.000-07:00

Roman told me today "I wish I could marry you Mommy but Daddy already did." He said, "But, I can pretend," and we proceeded to reenact my recent sister's wedding. Only this time, Roman was walking me down the aisle.

This melted my heart but it also made me think about our wedding. When I married David, I knew I was in love. I knew that all I wanted was every minute with him and a lifetime of shared dreams. I knew that I was a girl head over hills for a boy that had swept her off her feet. I knew that he was a gift from God and made just for me.

But, looking back, there were many things I did not know.

I did not know the man and father he would become. I did not know the way he would love me or the way he would take care of me when I needed it most. I had no concept of the richness to come in my life because of him and his faithfullness to Jesus Christ, to me and our children. I had no way of understanding the deep love he would have for our children and the way would protect us. I didn't know that I would never doubt his devotion to us and his honesty. Such loyality and honorability is rare and I am beyond grateful.

Girl Girl Girl

2011-07-14T17:58:00.000-07:00

On Friday, May 27th, at 3:30pm, my whole world changed. It has literally been turned upside down, in an amazing way, and I'm not sure what to think or how feel about it! I haven't stopped crying or smiling since that time yesterday.

We squeezed the whole family in a tiny ultrasound room. I wasn't nervous or even phased much by what was happening. You see, 3 weeks prior, at my 14 week ultrasound, the tech and I both agreed it definitely looked like a boy. I was good with a boy, excited even! So, yesterday, I was more excited about my family getting to see this baby for the first time than anything. I was talking and talking and she had to interupt me to say, "Okay, are you ready?" I said "yeah" and kept talking. Then, I heard "There is definitely some internal plumbing there!" Normally, I would get that joke right off the bat. But, I just sat there and looked at the screen, confused..... David immediately started crying. Note: this is the first time he has ever cried at an ultrasound. The Dr. looked at me, knowing I was momentarily lost. She finally clarified, "It's a girl!" I started screaming, I think. I can just rememeber saying "What!!!!" over and over again. I'm sure you could here me in the hallway. Then, I cried - a lot. Laughed and Cried. Laughed and Cried.

I can't explain what I am feeling inside. It's more of astonishment. I am utterly thrilled and now this pregnancy looks completely different. I am so thankful for a healthy baby girl growing inside my tummy! I am amazed by God and His goodness.

I found these baby clothes, in the pictures, in my attic. My mom gave them to me a couple years ago but I never dreamed I would be able to use them! They were mine when I was a baby. I love theDaddy's Girl one!!

We are so happy to be welcoming Baby GIRL Huff into our family

Baby Girl

2011-07-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

I am 6 months pregnant with you! My tummy seems to be quite a bit bigger with you than with your brothers. I have felt really great with you. Well, all except for the kidney stone I suffered from last week.

After 3 hospital trips and 6 nights in the hospital it was finally determined that I had a kidney stone. It completely blocked my right kidney for 6 days until I had surgery to remove the stone. I’m so sorry you had to go through so much. I cried, worried and prayed a lot! You received a lot of medicine and radiation which I was not happy about. I feel confident that God protected you through everything. He has never failed me and I know He will never fail you. Now, I’m home and better, and hoping the rest of this pregnancy is a breeze so I can do everything I need to do to prepare for you. And so you will be safe.

Your room is almost ready. I’m using an old quilt I’ve had for 9 years. I’m so excited to get to use it for my girl! The walls are pink and I sewed a chair cover and bed skirt to go with your bedding. The bedding is all vintage cream to match the old quilt. I also refinished an old chandelier. I painted it cream, roughed it up a bit and hung jewels from it. I am beyond thrilled that you are a girl and that you are just who you are. Although, it is still hard to believe that you are a girl. It’s almost too good to be true.

I’ve been trying to name you for weeks. I have though thousands of names over and over. I am really stressing naming you!! With the boys, it was much easier. I have a list of names but I want to KNOW! I want you to have a sophisticated, not too trendy, timeless, beautiful name. I want it to have a wonderful meaning to represent who you really are. I want you to always be proud of you name. If only, I knew you already, then maybe it would be easier to name you!

I love you already. I love that you respond to our voices and to our touch. You are stretching from one side of my tummy all the way to the other already! Just a few more months to go until we see you. Try your best to stay inside as long as you can so you can be all ready to come out in our world as healthy as can be!!

Jude 2

2011-07-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

You are 2! I look down at your hands and legs and feet and am surprised each time at how big you are. Yet, you still a baby and you wouldn’t have it any other way! If you could just spend all your time with Mommy, your blanket & paci and a couple small action figures, all would be perfect!

When you wake up, you need time to lie around and wake up! Your brother’s eyes pop open and he is ready to run a marathon. You find this annoying. Roman wants so much to play with you when you wake up and you get mad! You want peace and quiet and him not picking on you. 20 minutes later you are ready to go. You really enjoy your sleep and require more of it than Roman ever did.

You haven’t seemed to be affected by the “terrible 2’s” and I’m not sure you will. You are calm but assertive. You know what you like and what you want to do and don’t really want anyone telling you otherwise – unless it’s me! You don’t mind to listen to me or Daddy. You just don’t want your overly eager brother trying to change your mind. I’m glad you can stand your ground! That is a good thing.

Your favorite thing to do is wrestle with Daddy on the living room rug. You love playing with Daddy. You say “Daddy, play with me.” He plays much better than me!

I was recently in the hospital with a kidney stone for a week and you got to stay at home with Gran Gran. Once I got home, you told me for over a week how glad you were that I was feeling better. You would touch my cheek and say “I’m so glad you are feeling better Mommy.” Then, you say every night “I hope you don’t have to leave again.”

You have a baby sister on the way!! You like helping me pick out names and repeating them back to me. Also, the way you say “Girl or Girel” is super cute.

We recently went to water park for a weekend get-a-way. You really surprised us!! We have always said you had no fear if it was something you wanted to do. You wanted to do everything your brother was afraid to do – even go down one of the largest water slides with Daddy. After doing it once, you didn’t want to do it again. But, your mind was set to do it once. When we were in the pool you wanted to just jump right out of my arms and swim on your own!

I love you being 2! The stories you tell me are hilarious. You are starting to try and tell jokes and be funny. Your little language is adorable. When you get excited about something lately you’ve been saying “It’s the best in my life!” or “the greatest ever in my whole life!”

You pretty much are never fearful. You just want to do your own thing at your own pace. Your mood determines a lot about how you act. Good mood equals a lot of fun and a more easy going attitude. Quiet mood equals a leave me alone I’m doing my own thing attitude. They are each about 50/50!

You come out of your shell once you have time to relax and settle in a situation. Yesterday, at the park with the youth group, you jumped right in, ran around, and played ball with everyone. You were the star of the show because you’ve grown familiar with them all. But, you are not the child to smile and wave at every stranger that pays attention to you. You pretty much loose expression and become silent when strangers talk to you.

You obey well and listen to instruction and warnings. I don’t have to worry about you doing much of anything without asking if it is okay first. But – if you are told “no” you are fully capable of crying and whining for an endless amount of time to let us know of your disproval. Other times you are good with just saying “okay” though. I like those times!

I think you are going to be a great BIG brother. I seem to be getting excited about taking care of the baby girl. You are very nurturing, calm, and peaceful. I have a feeling she is really going to love you as well! You are getting excited about bathing and feeding her. I am sure you don’t fully understand the extent to which you will have to share me though! Right now, you can pretty much persuade Roman out of the spot right next to me just about any time. This sweet girl may be changing things up a little! Or maybe you will be being to share me if you’re involved in her care. We will see!

I love you sweet baby boy!

Mommy

Roman 5

2011-07-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was 5. I felt so big. I remember things I learned and friends I made. I remember thinking about which boy was cute in my class and which of the girls didn’t like me.

I can’t believe you are 5 years old! I’m seeing you work through your emotions and test us like nobody’s business. You are one strong willed child if there ever was one! You are always a challenge us and keeping us on our toes. But, you are my sweet boy. I love you more than I knew I could love anyone.

I love to hear your stories and watch your brilliance. You are full of fear but always embracing situations to the fullest once your fear is relieved. You “think” so much about things that you analyze every situation imagining what could possibly go wrong. You are quickly learning that often we miss out on really great things when we are scared.

When you are with your friends, you are much more carefree. You jump right in and lead the pack! You are full of life and laughter. You are extremely thoughtful and loving. Maybe we “baby” you too much, becoming crutches. Most of your friends have been in daycare all their lives and you have not. I believe this makes a difference. I love to see that carefree side of you!! You are so much happier!

You like things to be done your way. You are so interested in stories and your surroundings. I could tell you a story about a silly worm and you would listen intently then retell the story to someone else! I love that about you.

You tried t-ball this season and turns out you did not like it! The practices where you got to play casually with Daddy and friends on the field were fun but once games started, you were over the competition. So much for rules! You want to run and play! I don’t blame you. We didn’t like it either. You keep saying you want to play tennis so we may give that a try next. VBS was a different story. You LOVED it! Busy Busy Busy is what you like! You want to dance and sing and eat and play and that is exactly what you got to do.

You graduated from your preschool program and now your brother is starting next month. You will be starting Kindergarten at home with me. Plus – you are taking a day of fun classes at a local tutorial. You love learning and will be easy to teach!

We recently went to a waterpark for a small weekend get-a-way. It took you 2 days to build up enough courage to stand under the huge water tank that dumps on your head but your finally did!! It was a big deal and after a lot of thought you decided it would be worthwhile! You also loved the pool and learning to swim.

Mommy was recently in the hospital with a kidney stone and Gran Gran was able to come stay with you and Jude. You came to visit and hugged on me every time. You were so thoughtful and loving letting me know I was missed (even though you were secretly having the BEST time with Gran Gran!)

You have a baby sister on the way!! It took you a few weeks to adjust to the idea once we found out it was a girl. You would cry at church if someone asked about her. You even said “Mommy, who will take care of the baby since you already have two boys to take care of?” You were concerned about me and also what changes a baby girl would bring. You seem to be doing much better with the idea!

You continue to say you want to be a pastor when you grow up so you can be with Daddy a lot. Favorite thing to do is wrestle with Daddy on the living room rug (And play the Nintendo DS you got for your birthday.)

You and Jude are sharing a room now to prepare for the baby girl. You LOVED the idea. I think he makes you feel safer. Only problem is you hate sleep and Jude loves it. So, you do a lot of interrupting of his sleep. But, you try to sneak out and not wake him….. Sometimes you are successful.

You are funny. I love listening to your stories about your own little experiences. You have good humor. You build up your stories to make sure I understand how great they are by saying things like “you’re not going to believe this” and “it was the great thing in my life!” You NEVER stop talking. And that is no exaggeration!! You sure have a lot to say!

I am proud of you my big 5 year old but you will always be my sweet baby boy!

Mommy

Baby #3

2011-05-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

The moment Jude was born, I said "This is not our last." This was a big statement considering that neither David or I knew if we wanted another child. I was unsure because of pregnancy complications. But, every milestone we reached with Jude, my heart cried out for another. Breastfeeding, sleeping through the night, diapers - all things I would normally celebrate the end of. Not this time. God changed my heart and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt another child belonged to us. Our family was not complete and there was someone I loved that I had not yet known.

There were two things holding me back. 1. David did not necessarily want another. 2. Fear of pregnancy.

I prayed that God would reveal to David that this was right and change his heart if it was meant to be. I didn't want to persuade him. I wanted it to happen naturally. Just days after my conversation with God, David walked in the door with a story to tell me. He had been to the hospital to visit a family who had just had their 6th child. He had said to the mother, "6 children! Wow!" She responded with something like this, "You know, children are the only thing you can take to Heaven with you. They are with you eternally. Every other possession is worthless." He proceeded to tell me that this had changed his heart and the next words out of his mouth were God's answer. He said, "If you want to have another baby, I'm okay with it. It's your choice." That doesn't seem that profound I know! But, it was to me. I had not pressed the issue with him. This statement came from no where as far as he was concerned. He had not known of my private conversations with God. I want to add here that in no way to do I think children are our "possessions." They ultimately belong to God. But, they are great blessings bestowed upon us from our Heavenly father.

Then, there was the fear. Somewhere deep inside my heart, a deep fear had taken root. I imagined all the terrible tragedies that could happen with multiple cesareans. Some of my close friends and acquaintances were experiencing miscarriages and even deaths of their unborn. I was talking to a good friend on the phone who moved to CA last year. I was telling her of my fears. I said to her, "I have 3 healthy children. What are the chances I would have another?" She told me something I had always known but I needed to hear it in that moment. She talked about 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear where love exists. Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love." She was exactly right. I had been considering my fear as a sign that God wanted me to not have another child. As she discussed this scripture and the reality of how God works, I realized how ridiculous my thoughts on this were. After that day, God began to fill my heart with peace and trust.

Last summer, I encountered a family that made a big impact on me. There were 3 teenage brothers who loved Jesus with all their hearts. They were leaders. They played music together and worshiped Jesus. They were so respectful and kind to others. After being away from their mom for only 4 days, I heard the 17 year old say, "I can't wait to see Mom!" Ever since that day, I felt God change my mind and heart about what I wanted my family to look like. It was no longer about the dream American family. It was about the children that God had purposed for us.

One day I said to David, I think I might be ready. Then, I was pregnant before I even decided for sure if I was ready or not!

I don't believe in coincidence. I believe God orchestrates every moment. If we are listening, He talks with us. He gives of glimpses of what is destined. He comforts us. He leads us.

I am carrying a baby that has been alive for 4 months. But, God imagined this baby before it was conceived. He knew who this baby was going to be and when it would be born before I thought of he or she. I couldn't pray for the sex that I thought I may have wanted. I couldn't change God's mind. I can only let Him melt my heart with the love that has bestowed upon me. I think God has been showing me along the way many secrets about this baby. I feel like I know him or her already. I have imagined the personality and even secretly a name. On the 27th of May, I may find out I've been wrong all along about the sex. God might have a big surprise in store for me! Either way, I am thrilled and in love with this little one growing inside of me. My fears have disappeared. I am trusting and feeling more peaceful than I did even with the first two pregnancies.

It's a beautiful day today. 75 degrees and sunny. My boys are playing in the yard and happy. I'm sitting outside soaking in the love of God in His nature and the love of my boys. Already today, I have been showered with homemade cards that say, "I LUV U MOM," flowers and pictures of rainbows!

More to come on our unborn after the 27th! I can't wait to share all the things God has been showing me about #3!

Provision

2011-04-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

EASTER. God's provision, mercy and love are remarkable.

Yesterday was a very discouraging day. Mainly because of myself. I don't like confrontation. I don't handle it well. Some people can let things roll of their backs, I cannot. Some people look for trouble. I run from it. Some people search for most hurtful words they can find. Their words dart at you like a double edged sword. Thank you Jesus for your shield of protection. His love and mercy cover me, not letting meaningless slander penetrate the surface. There is no other God like mine! He is the one the supplies all my needs and pours His love over me.

Psalm 120:6-7 "My soul has dwelt too long with the one who hates peace. I am for peace. But when I speak, they are for war."

Once again, I am thankful. My life is full of greatness, given by God alone. Today, on such a special day of fulfillment through the resurrection, I am reminded of His perspective. It's hard at times, to lift your eyes above discouragement. But, when you finally do, it's amazing. It's like climbing and climbing the tallest mountain, then finally reaching the top to see things your never knew existed. An entirely new and amazing horizon. When you get there, the possibilities are endless. All your fears melt away. Then, you realize your worries, cares & concerns can be lifted and handed over to the one who carries it all. His love is indescribable and in His presence nothing else matters.

My children and my husband are my greatest blessings. My sweet Jude turned 2 in March. I love the newfound conversations I am having with him. I'm really getting to know him on different level as his personality comes alive through communication. The responses I get from him are sometimes unexpected because he is so incredibly different than Roman. His humor is entertaining. He has been playing little tricks on me and telling jokes. He is very observant and cautious. But, one thing hasn't changed. His LOVES his mommy! Anytime he comes close with that pacifier and blanket saying"but mommy, hold me" its irresistible! Roman will be starting Kindergarden at home in the fall while Jude will be starting pre-school one day a week. Roman will take one day of tutorials a week at a local academy then we will study the rest at home every day. He will get to participate in field trips and activities through Aaron's Academy. Roman will also be playing T-ball this summer and starting a musical instrument lesson in the fall! He is so incredibly smart and I am so proud of him! He is writing and reading already and eager to start school! Roman & Jude are best friends! They are so close and play so well together. I am so thankful they are the ages they are and that they get to grow up together! They are now sharing a room and I never knew this could be so great! They LOVE being together at night. Going to bed and waking up in the same room makes life an adventure for them! They plan and scheme. I love it. Sometimes when they wake up early together, one will whisper over to other to come jump in bed! Then, they lay still and whisper until 7 (which is when they are allowed to get out of bed.) Being together has calmed fears and strengthened the brotherhood between them!

I am also thankful for the 3rd little one growing inside of me! I am 12 weeks pregnant. It truly does not seem real. I'm hoping in the next few weeks we will find out if it is a boy or girl! Since I'm having ultrasounds every 2 weeks we will hopefully get to find out early! How blessed am I to have the honor of a 3rd child! I've known since Jude's birth, there was a 3rd that belonged to our family. God eased my concerns and confirmed the timing. Before we even realized what was happening, I was pregnant! Dear baby growing inside my tummy, I love you more than words can say and I am honored to be your mother! We can't wait to bring you into our family!

David is graduating from seminary in May! I am so proud of him for all the hard work that he has invested in this over the past year. Seminary was something we felt God leading us towards. Then, within a few days, God provided the entire tuition. This is truly amazing! Now, as the end is approaching I am thankful for God's provision over the last year and also anticipation His future for us!

Commenting

2011-04-24T11:34:00.001-07:00

Due to some unwanted and negative commentary in response to my blog, I will review all comments before they are posted publicly.

I didn't realize so many people from my past were keeping such a close eye on me! Although your placement of value on my thoughts and opinions, enough to read my post in such detail, is flattering, I do not appreciate negativity.

So, if you want to comment, I would love it! I love the encouraging and positive feedback from my sweet friends and family. But, if you don't like it, don't read it! And your comments will be ignored.

Valiant 3/7/11

2011-03-07T19:07:00.000-08:00

Last session, this group of girls had some sincere questions about sharing their faith. They knew people at school who were atheist and had family members as well that did not believe in Jesus. We worked through scenarios on ways to show love and kindness to these people in our lives. Over the past two weeks, two of these girls had stepped out and accomplished things they never thought they could do! One witnessed at school and the other wrote a beautiful letter to an uncle who doesn't believe.

Tonight, our session started with these stories of braveness. All these girls, once again, crammed around a table, loaded with questions. There sat my prepared discussion on the table in front of me. Not once did I even reference it. The intensity in the eyes of each of these girls was obvious. They sat at the edge of their seats with thoughts, experiences and ideas of their own.

Here was a list of some of the questions tonight. Can you believe in more than one religion at a time? What about the people who have never heard about Jesus? What would you suggest for someone who wants to believe in Jesus but constantly doubts they are saved? What is the rapture? Is it okay to learn about other religions? Do you only have to believe in Jesus or is there something else you have to do to go to Heaven?

These girls are serious. This group is not just about hanging out and drinking coffee. They are absorbing and making the most of this opportunity. They are growing and experimenting with the reality of Jesus Christ. The girls involved in this group will be forever influenced by being a part of it.

They are learning each session how to get close to God. They have professed their belief in Him with their mouths and believe it with their hearts. Now they are learning something new. They are learning of an intimacy with Him that creates a sureness. There is a deeper place. A place with Jesus where we can completely rely on Him. We can let go of all our concerns, fears, and worries. He can be trusted. When we make ourselves vulnerable to Him, He is able to minister over us and heal us. He is able to actually speak to us and guide us. God is spiritual and desiring to connect with each of us. There is much more to Christianity than a confession of faith and going to Heaven. He wants to be in control of our lives right now, while we live on Earth too. These girls are seeing that first hand. They are praying and seeing results from week to week.

My heart is deeply grateful for this opportunity. Each of us have a chance to create a group of influence. You all are surrounded with opportunity to do so. Find your place. Step out and sacrifice some of your time for God. There is nothing more rewarding than this.

Huff Update

2011-01-12T18:32:00.000-08:00

The past 4 months have been quite a whirlwind. Our St. Andrews oasis in Florida in October began it all. A private beach with blue knee deep water as far as you could see. Then, in November, we consumed the views of the Appalachian mountains. We slept on top of a smoky mountain and sank into the forest during the day. There is nothing more indulging that sitting beneath the umbrella of a tree at a stream side. Thanksgiving lead to Christmas and everything in between.

We welcomed the new year with the city of Indianapolis - a very spontaneous overnighter. We had only one change of clothes but nothing clean. We had to shop for clothes to wear the next day! It was 75 degrees. We pulled up to Marriott and took their last room. I had to keep sending David down to the gift shop to get us all snacks and charge it to our room. The city was amazing that night. People were everywhere anticipating the new year. We walked the streets with the crowd. The historic detail of the city and the artistic flair was intriguing. We pushed our queens together to make one gigantic bed in the middle of our hotel room. The boys loved every minute of it! We woke up early the next morning and shopped at Circle Centre before heading home.

Now, here we are in the middle of a snowstorm (a TN version.) Me and the boys haven't left the house for days. It feels like a continuation of the holidays. The boys have been out sledding and watching the snow fall from our windows. God truly spoils us!

Roman is 4 1/2 years old. He seems so big lately. When I pick him up his legs hang down past my knees. I watched him play football in the living room this week with no shirt and jersey paints on. He cute little torso reminded me of a teenager! I could almost envision him as one! Mommies first little baby growing so fast! This week I watched him get his brother almost completely dressed and then, on another day, make them both plates of food for lunch. He was praying tonight and he prayed "Dear God - please help everyone in the world stay healthy, all the way to heaven, to the mountains, and to the beach, everyone." He is so compassionate and thoughtful. He also asked me this week what it would feel like to die. Those are some deep thoughts for a 4 year old! But, we've been talking a little about going to heaven so his little mind had really been working. He is so imaginative and energetic!

Jude is 22 months old. He is pretty much potty trained! Still wearing diapers at night but during the day he runs around in cute little undies. He is so proud of himself! He also has hit a growth spurt. He has gotten taller and slimmed up quit a bit. One thing I've learned about him - he can't watch tv and do anything else. When he is into a show, he is in the zone:) He is speaking in sentences! He is really coming out of his shell and we are seeing his personality come alive! He loves pretending to fall down and trick you. He can really sit down and concentrate on things longer than Roman did at his age. He love anything small he can hold in his hand. He will carry one toy around for hours never loosing grip. One day, he slept with a tiny penguin my mom bought him. He went to bed with it in his hand and woke up still holding it. He loves pretending to take care of his toys. He takes Batman to the potty and feeds him milk. This boy loves to show LOVE. He hugs and kisses and says "I love you." He looks at me with those big beautiful eyes and I devour every minute of it!

Jude's favorite Christmas toys: little people house, mickey mouse clubhouse, small dog that barks and walk when you push buttons, radio flyer ride-on, elmo & cookie monster play sets,

Roman's favorite Christmas toys: star wars light saber, star wars lego book, remote-control robot, radio flyer scooter, star wars leapfrog game, play mobile pirate set, blow-up boxing gloves

I watched the boys play together quite a bit this week. They are 2 years and 8 months apart. I know that they will forever be friends. I thought about my sister and how I would do anything in the world for her. It makes me happy that they also have each other.

Want Healing?

2011-01-05T10:50:00.000-08:00

This is a truly beautiful Psalm. It spoke to me on the deepest level.

Psalm 41

To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.

¹ Blessed is he who considers the poor;
The LORD will deliver him in time of trouble.
² The LORD will preserve him and keep him alive,
And he will be blessed on the earth;
You will not deliver him to the will of his enemies.
³ The LORD will strengthen him on his bed of illness;
You will sustain him on his sickbed.

⁴ I said, “LORD, be merciful to me;
Heal my soul, for I have sinned against You.”
⁵ My enemies speak evil of me:
“When will he die, and his name perish?”
⁶ And if he comes to see me, he speaks lies;
His heart gathers iniquity to itself;
When he goes out, he tells it.

⁷ All who hate me whisper together against me;
Against me they devise my hurt.
⁸ “An evil disease,” they say, “clings to him.
And now that he lies down, he will rise up no more.”
⁹ Even my own familiar friend in whom I trusted,
Who ate my bread,
Has lifted up his heel against me.

¹⁰ But You, O LORD, be merciful to me, and raise me up,
That I may repay them.
¹¹ By this I know that You are well pleased with me,
Because my enemy does not triumph over me.
¹² As for me, You uphold me in my integrity,
And set me before Your face forever.

¹³ Blessed be the LORD God of Israel
From everlasting to everlasting!
Amen and Amen.

David and I have had a lot of discussion lately about healing. I have been studying and seeking God on this issue for months. I believe I was healed of Scleroderma last year. I want to be healed of diabetes. I have seen others healed. But, I have seen many not healed.

The Bible is full of scripture regarding healing. It promises healing and gives numerous examples of it. It says that we may encounter sickness and trouble but that it will only be temporary. The beautiful scripture above states that the Lord will preserve us and keep us alive!

My studies of the Word of God are leading me to believe that our prosperity and healing are related to a condition of heart. David ask me this week, "So do you believe our works bring about our healing?" That is the Christian terminology for asking if I think we earn our healing. I do not believe we can earn our healing or prosperity here on Earth. But, I do think the true intentions written on our hearts are somehow related to our prosperity. Proverbs and Psalms are laced with scriptures regarding God healing and protecting the righteous man on Earth. I understand that our treasures are built up in Heaven, and that is our ultimate goal. But, I believe that our lives here on Earth, right now, are also important to God.

The righteous man is spoken of thousands of times. The Bible says that it is the righteous or the meek the reap these advantages. It gives example after example of how a righteous man thinks and reacts. The above scriptures are talking about "he who considers the poor." The Psalm states that "the Lord will strengthen him on his sickbed." When I say prosperity, I'm not saying all the righteous are going to be rich either! I mean things like health, peace of mind, and happiness! Our lives do not come without trial. But I have a God who brings hope, who is my refuge! He brings me through, end of sentence.

My point is not really about why we have the sickness or trouble to begin with. I believe some are related to our sins but others are not. We encounter trouble because of the world we live in. But, as a follower of Jesus Christ, I do believe in an advantage. I believe I know a God who wants to cause the trouble to be temporary. He wants to show His power and bring us through. But, how and when does God do this? Why are some healed and others not?

I know that these things are in God's hands and that we will never understand everything. But, He has given us His word to go to. It tells us that a righteous man is delivered and healed. It tells us that the meek will have abundant peace. So, I'm listening to God and studying His word. I am examining myself as we begin the new year.

We seem to take pride in the fact that we can stand up for ourselves and be outspoken. We are proud of what we have and what we have accomplished. God seems to be calling us to loose the selfishness and realize what this is all truly about. One thing I know, I will never have enough according to this world. My kids will never get to do enough! I will never measure up. So, today, I stop trying. I'm filing away all my failures. God seems to be all about preferring others and paying attention to the needs around me. The best that I can do is forget about anything else and start showing my boys how its done:)

I am vowing this year to change the condition of my heart. Not only to seek healing, but to become that which God has called of me. I'm going to stop comparing and wondering what others think. We all do it! I want to be kind and gentle and love those around me who need it! I want my intentions to always be pure and my thoughts to stay grounded.

What is this about Abundant Peace?

2010-12-28T06:26:00.000-08:00

^{Psalm 37}

¹ Do not fret because of evildoers,

Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity.

² For they shall soon be cut down like the grass,

And wither as the green herb.

³ Trust in the LORD, and do good;

Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.

⁴ Delight yourself also in the LORD,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD,

Trust also in Him,

And He shall bring it to pass.

⁶ He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,

And your justice as the noonday.

⁷ Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;

Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,

Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.

⁸ Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;

Do not fret—it only causes harm.

⁹ For evildoers shall be cut off;

But those who wait on the LORD,

They shall inherit the earth.

¹⁰ For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more;

Indeed, you will look carefully for his place,

But it shall be no more.

¹¹ But the meek shall inherit the earth,

And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

¹² The wicked plots against the just,

And gnashes at him with his teeth.

¹³ The Lord laughs at him,

For He sees that his day is coming.

¹⁴ The wicked have drawn the sword

And have bent their bow,

To cast down the poor and needy,

To slay those who are of upright conduct.

¹⁵ Their sword shall enter their own heart,

And their bows shall be broken.

¹⁶ A little that a righteous man has

Is better than the riches of many wicked.

¹⁷ For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,

But the LORD upholds the righteous.

¹⁸ The LORD knows the days of the upright,

And their inheritance shall be forever.

¹⁹ They shall not be ashamed in the evil time,

And in the days of famine they shall be satisfied.

²⁰ But the wicked shall perish;

And the enemies of the LORD,

Like the splendor of the meadows, shall vanish.

Into smoke they shall vanish away.

²¹ The wicked borrows and does not repay,

But the righteous shows mercy and gives.

²² For those blessed by Him shall inherit the earth,

But those cursed by Him shall be cut off.

²³ The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD,

And He delights in his way.

²⁴ Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;

For the LORD upholds him with His hand.

²⁵ I have been young, and now am old;

Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken,

Nor his descendants begging bread.

²⁶ He is ever merciful, and lends;

And his descendants are blessed.

²⁷ Depart from evil, and do good;

And dwell forevermore.

²⁸ For the LORD loves justice,

And does not forsake His saints;

They are preserved forever,

But the descendants of the wicked shall be cut off.

²⁹ The righteous shall inherit the land,

And dwell in it forever.

³⁰ The mouth of the righteous speaks wisdom,

And his tongue talks of justice.

³¹ The law of his God is in his heart;

None of his steps shall slide.

³² The wicked watches the righteous,

And seeks to slay him.

³³ The LORD will not leave him in his hand,

Nor condemn him when he is judged.

³⁴ Wait on the LORD,

And keep His way,

And He shall exalt you to inherit the land;

When the wicked are cut off, you shall see it.

³⁵ I have seen the wicked in great power,

And spreading himself like a native green tree.

³⁶ Yet he passed away,^{a]" style="line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} and behold, he was no more;

Indeed I sought him, but he could not be found.

³⁷ Mark the blameless man, and observe the upright;

For the future of that man is peace.

³⁸ But the transgressors shall be destroyed together;

The future of the wicked shall be cut off.

³⁹ But the salvation of the righteous is from the LORD;

He is their strength in the time of trouble.

⁴⁰ And the LORD shall help them and deliver them;

He shall deliver them from the wicked,

And save them,

Because they trust in Him

I sat down this morning with my biscuits and a cup of coffee at my dining room table. I opened my Bible to this chapter hoping to gain a few words of wisdom to carry me throughout my day. But instead I found God. I found the Holy Spirit alive inside of me. The words I read penetrated to the core of me. My son walked up to me and said "Mom, are you crying because you are happy. Do you feel Jesus right now?" That made me cry more! I realized that my son recognizes the presence of God. At only 4 years old, he understands the reality of Jesus.

God first highlighted verse 5 where it says "commit your way to the Lord. Trust in Him, And He shall bring it to pass." What is your "it." Mine is diabetes. God will not let me acceptt it. He continues to remind me that I will be healed. Every time I want to accept it, He says "No."

The next verse that changed me today was 11. It says "But the meek shall inherit the earth and delight themselves in an abundance of peace." Do you understand the heaviness of that simple verse? Its speaks a thousand words. I want abundant peace! Who are these meek? How do I become like that? Meek means kind, gentle, submissive, and humble. Abundant peace is available to us!

I love how David says "I have been young, and now I am old. I have not seen the righteous forsaken."

In 24, David says "though the good man fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds him with His hand." Isn't it cool that God felt it important to let us know that he understands we are going to mess up. He will not let go of us. He helps us get back up! We need Him and he believes in us.

God is so generous. I sit here and look around. I have so much. None of it matters. Yet, because He loves me so, He overwhelms me with gifts. I need none of this. This chapter talks about all types of gifts he gives, some eternal some not: the desires of your heart, righteousness, justice, inheritance, peace, blessed decedents, wisdom, strength and protection.

Possibilities

2010-12-27T06:28:00.001-08:00

Today, I am thinking about my new year resolutions. I am thinking about all the possibilities in God.

May each of us feel His presence in our spirits, mind, and body, and rise from our beds of defeat, sickness, depression, turmoil, and lack, for God is no respecter of persons or circumstances.

He is able to deliver to the uttermost those who call upon His name!

I don't want to curl up on the couch every weekend and believe I am soaking in all that life has to offer. I don't want to believe that living in my beautiful home with all of my riches is the LIFE. God is LIFE. Sharing him is LIFE. It's not about my throne of accumulation.

My heart is breaking to snap out of my selfishness into what I truly believe. It is only myself that holds me back. I believe that when God puts passion in your heart for something, you have the ability to see that those desires you have are His. If your heart breaks for orphaned children, there is a reason! If you see the poor and see their misfortune, it's not just your personal kindness that is tugging at you! If you don't feel a thing, I feel sorry for you.

Because God is in you, He releases the burn of love, and it begins to blend with your own thoughts and ideas. Sometimes it takes a while for the big picture to emerge, but it is during that inevitable moment, when all the dots connect, that you realize God has set you up. The Lord has prepared you and plowed the way for you. He has put people and resources in your life to help you, and then everything begins to make sense.

This year each of us have the capability to be incredible. It's not about survival and excess. It's about confidence and expectation. It's about love. It's about the hurting, lost, and dying.

MOM

2010-12-26T15:55:00.000-08:00

David and I drove home from Christmas in KY a few days ago and talked about our visit. It was truly wonderful. Since then, I've been thinking about all the reasons. Most of those reasons can be attributed to Mom.

I am truly blessed to have been born to her. She is calm, loving and wise. Her motives are always pure. She is strong. The world may not know immediately how great she is because she keeps to herself. She doesn't need to prove a thing to anyone. After knowing her for any length of time, anyone would say that she is remarkable. Time will tell you that she is consistent. I can't think of one person she has ever hurt or offended. She avoids trouble and gossip. Even when she is just with us, her daughters, her words remain the same. She is always encouraging and positive. She looks for the best in others. When "the best" cannot be seen, she continues to guard her words. When others hurt me, she teaches me how to turn away. One could dwell on circumstances or be wise and release yourself from the concern. She is one of the only people I know that can be deeply hurt by someone and truly let it roll off her back, never harboring bitterness.

She has been through so much in her life: cancer, years in an abusive relationship. But every time she was strong. I look back and wonder how she always handled herself so well. How did she always keep it together? She knows we needed her as a mother to be strong. I have recently learned the difficulty of carrying the burdens of a parent. There is nothing more painful than that. One thing I have learned is that no matter what difficulty I experience in my life, my children will not have to carry the burden of my despair. I will find a place within myself, as my mother always has, and be at peace because of Jesus Christ.

Her actions or words are never to prove a point. But she speaks from her heart in love and wisdom. She never manipulates. I've never known her to say a thing with a hidden agenda in her heart. She is unbelievably kind. I recently realized that I can honestly tell her any given scenario and ask her advice on what to do. Her recommendations are always solid. She never retaliates. She has this amazing ability to set her mind on the good. Things around her can be falling apart and she sees the good in people and situations.

When she is with my children, she has a way about her that calms them. They want to sit with her and talk to for hours. They see what I do. The part of her that I adore, they see it too! If my world seems to be falling apart, she grounds me. Part of that is being my mother of course. But, there is more to it than that. There is something truly great about her. Even as we drove home from KY, David talked about it. She worked so hard all day cooking and cleaning for us and never complained. She spent every minute she could with her grandchildren, soaking in all the love of the time together. She has accomplished a lot in her life. I am so incredibly blessed to have her in my life. I pray that I can be just like her. She is still teaching me even though I am 30 years old!

Her house sits alone in the middle of the country. We drove over the bridge, past the barn and around the turn. There her house sat welcoming us. We raced inside through the cold crisp air. It was warm and dim. Everyone was there in the living room waiting for us: Dan, Dylan, Shawn and Tracy. We stayed up late catching up and laughing. The next 4 days were peaceful. We left only once to grab lunch with my dad. We played charades and trivia games (Tracy is incredibly bad at charades btw Ha!! joking) We watched movies on my sisters insanely large television. We ate and ate and ate. We slept late and napped a lot. We mostly stayed up late talking about weddings, pranks, ex-boyfriends, religion, and the future. Even with two rambunctious boys running around, the house remained calm. We don't always agree. Who does really? But, our guards are down. That is one thing my mom has taught me. Most of our offenses come when we are expecting others to hurt us. And if you are like my mom, you don't even know when someone actually intends to hurt you! I love that about her. We talked about everything. I loved listening to my sister talk from her heart about all the important things in life. I learned more about her. I don't want her to be just like me. I want to know and understand who she is. And we all learn from each other.

Watching my mom sit under tree and pass out each of her 1,000 deeply thought out presents is a tradition worth cherishing. I love that my mom puts hours into finding the perfect gift for each person! When you open a gift from her, you can know that it was purchased because it reminded her of you.

Sometimes you are ready to go home after days away, but we could have stayed longer. Thank you Mom, Tracy, Daniel, Dylan, and Shawn for an amazing Christmas! Mom's home is rich and full of love and peace because that is who she is inside. It is not something that can be manufactured. You can't pretend to have the attributes she posses. It has to come from your core. It has to be real.

Walking

2010-12-09T19:29:00.000-08:00

Arise, shine; for your light has come!

And the glory of the Lord is risen over you.

For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth,

and deep darkness the people, but the Lord will arise over you,

and His glory will be seen upon you (Isaiah 60:1-2)

I shall not be overcome by darkness, the evil lurking in our midst. My God has given me the power to overcome. He rises over me and His glory shall be seen upon me.

Some people believe in only prosperity. Others believe that we are subject to the same darkness as unbelievers, suffering equal persecution and despair. I am not a name it claim it kind of girl. It's naive to think that speaking the truth is the only way of obtaining it. I believe, instead, that even in my deepest pain, when I am unable to proclaim, that God still rescues. When my thoughts are clouded, He finds me. I travel down a road quite frequently that looses me. I end up wondering where I have taken myself. Then, when I look closely, he is there in the haze ahead of me. He may not even say a word at times, but he takes me by the hand and leads me back. Upon our embrace, I may not say a word. Sometimes I have a lot to say. Sometimes nothing at all. He is tender. One gaze into my eyes heals the deepest parts of me.

I believe in prosperity because He has prospered me. Along the way have been many trials. Some very difficult. Though my patience and trust in God is often stretched, my foundation has never changed. When my trials come, I usually throw the normal two-year-old tantrums - the ones He expects from me. I could breath deeper and trust, instead I usually stress. The tantrums aren't His problem, they are mine. He is taking me to the same place whether or not I respond correctly. Eventually, I always give up the struggle.

I LOVE that God takes me new places. I LOVE that he is constantly teaching me. My life is rich and full because of that. I do not need to hold on to the same rigid set of beliefs and narrow-mindedness just to prove that I'm right. I want Him to teach me. I'm open to learn and to change. But, no matter the trial, He is prospering me. He is taking me forward. He is showing me how to love deeper. I don't have to be afraid of what He is asking from me. He created me to be a mother, wife, friend, to minister. He created me to do it all well. He created my family to love Him from our core and devote our lives to showing that love to others.

I believe the key to prosperity is walking with Jesus. I want to stay on that path, hand and hand with Him. Even if I get tired or anxious, I'm still walking. I have to be careful to make sure I'm on track with Him. I get off track. When that happens, I still believe in Jesus Christ. He is still my savior. But, I'm doing my thing. He waits for me to notice. Sometimes I don't want to notice. Prosperity comes in my life when I'm truly relishing in God. You know the nights I would rather be home with my boys on the couch watching a movie, but instead God wants me to invite friends over for dinner. Or when God wants me to not buy something so I can give a few dollars to someone else. It's an accumulation of all the small things. Prosperity comes from walking with Jesus.

There is a difference. Although we suffer through trials, we do not have to be subject to the same despair. The Lord arises over me and His glory is shown over me. I have a hope that cannot be found comparable in any other form. These trials are not without the hope of deliverance. Darkness does surround us. It seems unimaginable to think of thriving in this society. But, I have the creator surrounding me. I have the One true God to take my hand and walk me through the haze. I'm not ducking my head and running. I'm embracing it all.

Catching UP!

2010-11-29T18:54:00.000-08:00

The past few months have been packed full of fun! We went to Panama City Beach in October. Our little family found a wonderful treasure - A little private beach at the St. Andrews. You would have thought no one else knew about it except for us! No condos or anyone on the beaches. One side of the island was huge rocks that darted far out into the water. We could walk out on the rock where the birds landed and watch the boats and fish go by. The other side was our oasis. Completely clear water, calm as bath water, beginning only ankle deep and reaching only to our waste at its deepest. There were little islands of sand out in the middle of the crystal clear water. We would take our chairs and our big storage container of toys and set up camp out in the middle of the ocean. The boys ran through the water as fast as they could without the fear of the waves knocking them to the ground. We went to St. Andrews almost every day. Once we had experienced it, we could barely stomach the crowded beaches laced with seaweed. But, it was magical. The temperature never reaching 80 degrees and the light breeze. We escaped the entire week with no sunburns! I can't imagine how that happened considering the amount of time we spent there! Jude rolled in the wet sand, dumping buckets of it on his head. And of course, we build sand castles and flew kites where the oceans meets the sand. Nothing else mattered that week except for those two boys. Barely dragging ourselves off the beach each evening, we made it in time for lovely sea food dinners at night.

In November, we went to Gatlinburg with my mom, sister and her fiancée. We stayed in a beautiful cabin on top of a mountain. We cooked gigantic breakfasts each morning and went out for strolls in the city for lunch. At night, we came back to light fires in the fireplace, make dinner, and charades. We mentioned changing to one of the other games in the stack we brought, but could not separate ourselves from the laughter and humiliation charades caused. It was all warm, toasted and smelled like breakfast all weekend. It was unexpectedly a very small cabin. We were all forced to cram into a tiny little living room to be together. But, it turned out wonderful that way. My boys have never felt so much love in one room! Even the fiancée got a taste of the dirty fingers and as we call it "wallering." It felt really great to be so squeezed together with my mom and my sister! We talked about weddings and babies and family. One day we took the boys to the Ripley's Aquarium. They were fascinated by the sharks and sting ray. Jude especially LOVED the new penguin exhibit. He still can't let go of his squeaky penguin mom got him at the gift shop - but the speaker broke. And Roman got magnetic jewels - he thinks he is a pirate.

The we jump right into Thanksgiving where we travel to IN to visit David's family. The boys absolutely love spending time with their 3 cousins, Jackson, Emerson, and Victoria. Jude jumped right in there with the rest of the kids this time! He has finally grown big enough to keep up! Roman especially loved playing video games with Emerson. All the family came together on Thursday. They boys got to spend some time with their great grandparents too! I did arrive with a fever of 104 and stayed in bed the first day. The second day, my fever continued around 101 but I was at least able to get out of bed and enjoy Thanksgiving. It was a hard trip for my because I was so sick but my boys didn't know the difference. They made some wonderful memories.

Jude is 20 months old! Roman is approaching 4 1/2. This is a very rich time for us. They are playing together so well and both are able to really express themselves well. Jude started speaking in complete sentences a few weeks ago. He says things like "I see bubba" and "I need milk." He repeats EVERYTHING and tries to play jokes now. He is right in the middle of potty training. He is pretty close. My guess is maybe 2 more months to get it down really well. Roman has a new friend named Jaedyn. She is 9 months younger than him but just as brilliant and exuberant as him. There is no one else in the room when they are together. He seems to have a little crush on her already at only 4 1/2! Can you believe that? Jude has to do everything Roman does. If Roman stumps his toe, Jude comes running with a hurt toe as well. Could I possibly want another one of these little miracles?? Still so unsure but the thought of my little family stopping here is a little heartbreaking to me. So maybe that means something.

Christmas season is here. Everything has stopped - well as of yesterday. I'm taking a break from pictures for a bit until spring comes back around. I'm choosing to soak up every moment this coming month. We have put together an Advent calender with a pocket for each day. A little note is tucked away in one of those pockets instructing us to do something together as a family. I really want to focus on Jesus this season and celebrate his "coming" with my children. Our notes include so many things ranging from shopping for our Christmas Angel to baking Christmas cookies together. I want us to turn our focus outward and give a little of what we have. The boys are singing carols everyday and watching Christmas movies back to back! It's going to be the most fun month yet with them being these ages. I am going to think and read and pray. God is changing me as always, making me better, and teaching me. He feels close. I feel His love embracing and guiding me. Looking forward to all the adventures the next month always brings!

The Butterfly

2010-09-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

My boys and I just had one of the most amazing God experiences of our lives.

Let me just start off by saying that God has been teaching me, over the past few days, about His love and immanence. He is present within each of us, within nature and within our lives events.

“Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?’ declares the Lord. ‘Do not I fill heaven and earth?’ declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 23:24

He is everywhere at all times. He never leaves me or forsakes me. When I pray, He hears my words. He knows my thoughts. He sustains all things. Everything is dependent on Him.

“The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life” Job 33:4

“If it were his intention and he withdrew his spirit and his breath, all mankind would perish together and man would return to dust” Job 34:14-15

Whatever happens in nature is God’s doing and is under His control. The sending of the sunshine and rain, the feeding and protecting of the birds in the air, and the clothing of flowers are all credited to the Father. Matt 5-10

“Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?” Psalm 113:5-6

We were just outside about to come in to take naps. I sat in a chair with my boys at my feet on our deck. I was thinking about how the wind blowing in the trees was such an interesting sound. I thought about how God created what I saw and how He is in control of it all. A butterfly swarmed around us then flew away.

I started telling Roman how God made that butterfly and how he takes care of it. He gives it everything it needs to live. I then said “Wouldn’t it be cool if God made that butterfly come back and land on my hand?” I held my hand out and said “Jesus, please have that butterfly come back and land on my hand.” Roman and Jude both looked at me with curiosity.

In an instant the butterfly landed right in the middle of my palm. Roman gasped. It stayed there for a good 3 minutes crawling on my hand. The boys examined it and I said, “Oh my goodness that is SO cool God! Roman, God just had this butterfly to come back and land on my hand.” I continued to say, “That is how real God is. Even though we can’t see Him, He is always right here with us, listening and taking care of us. ” The butterfly then flew away.

Roman bravely held out his hand and proclaimed “Jesus, please have that butterfly come back and land on MY hand.” The butterfly instantly returned and landed right in Roman’s hand. It flew away again.

Tears filled my eyes and told God how amazing He was! He loves me and my boys so much. He is everywhere. He has the time to show us his love and manage all the world’s problems at the same time. I felt warmth in my heart. Oh, how special I felt to have the Lord Almighty showing His love to me in the way.

I laughed and said “Let us see if it will land in Jude’s hand.” I said it almost jokingly thinking that the butterfly was long gone by then. I held my baby’s hand in mine and the butterfly returned to his palm.

The butterfly then continued to flutter around us. It did not leave. It landed all over our heads, faces, arms, and toys! It spent at least 30 minutes with us until it was finally time to go inside. At one point I even went inside to grab my camera. When I came back out it landed right back in my hand and allowed me to capture some photographs of it! Jude was chasing it and batting a tennis racket at it. I caught a picture of the butterfly landing on the tennis racket as he swung at it! We laughed and played with the butterfly then told it goodbye as we went inside.

Roman, who has been tapping into his spirituality lately, saw a great work of God. We came inside to lay down for naps and he was in awe of God. He could not believe God heard us and answered our prayer!

God melted my deepest concerns. The burdens I carried just flew away on the wings on His butterfly…….

Bubby

2010-08-24T19:51:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe it has been so long since I've written about my beautiful boys....

Jude is 17 months old! He is so baby-ish in ways Roman never was. He enjoys being taken care of. He wants me to spend my time holding and kissing on him! Oh - he always makes me feel better when I am down. Him and Roman started playing a little game where they would say "my momma" and pretend fight over me. Well, Jude, in the most loving way, does it now just to show love. He routinely walks up to me, wrapping himself around my legs, and says "my momma." I think he knows it melts my heart. He reaches for me with those little open hands, moving them open and closed, to show that he wants me. He would rather sit next to me and talk than anything else. Roman will be fighting some imaginary superhero right in front of us and Jude just wants to look into my eyes like it is only the two of us there. He looks at me sometimes, like it is an inside joke, when things occur around us. It is like he knows that I know what he is thinking. All I have to do it look at him and laugh and he is rolling in laughter. Today, in the park, he found a fuzzy flower and spent 5 whole minutes examining it. He puts so much effort into his thoughts. I've said that since he was just a few months old. He always thinks before he acts. He is NOT persuaded to do anything he doesn't want to do. This child knows what he wants when he wants it. He is so mild mannered until you cross what he wants. Things that don't matter, he easily lets slide. Sometimes its just not worth his energy. But, if it matters to him, YOU WILL know it! He is incredibly smart. One day he decided he wanted to use a fork. So, he asked for one, then proceeded to use it correctly, eating his entire meal with the fork. REally - it should take months to become proficient at such a task:) He loves his pictures of family in his room. He request it down quite often so he can point at everyone he recognizes. I'm thinking one day he will just decide to be potty trained. He tells me everytime he has a dirty diaper and when he feels like it he tells me he wants to use the potty! He is starting to get mad when I put diapers on him so it might not be long. He found the drawer I keep his pacifiers in. So, he sneaks away quite often and happily comes out of his room with one everytime he thinks about it.

Roman and I sat down to start his Kindergarden material this week. I'm convinced this boy never forgets a thing once he learns it the first time. His memory is so incredibly sharp. He will remember the details of how he learned anything from over a year ago. He loves our little homeschool. He asks me to have school all the time. He has so much patience. This week he sat at the table for over an hour calmly writing and learning. I was really impressed with how much he had matured over the summer. Roman is a very sensitive child. We have to be so careful about what we say around him. He gets very concerned about others and even animals. He wants so much to understand everything. He needs a complete description of everything that happens. He will overhear David and I talking about something and bring it up later, after having spent the whole day thinking about it. He does not like for people to be hurt or upset. He is especially have a difficult time with family being far away right now. He just can't understand why other people have thier family close and he doesn't. It is a very sad reality that he is uncovering. This boy NEVER stops going. He is full of energy and life. He sometimes fits in better with children a little older than himself. He totally in to video games like crazy right now. He is wonderful at them. I would have never of dreamed a 4 year old could play like he does! He loves being busy and on the go but always wants to come home at night and cuddled up on the couch to watch a movie.

These two boys are going to be very close. They are already great pals. Roman says they are "best friends." I have a feeling this friendship is a bond that will go into adulthood. They fight and scream but at the end of the day, they are bubbies and that makes me happy!

Routine

2010-07-11T13:34:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago I left my routine. I left my children for five days and headed to youth camp. A huge part of me was frustrated at having to do so. I thought to myself "Okay God - this is my fasting." I'm leaving behind what I want to do and going to serve you. As I look back on those thoughts I realize how completely lost I was in myself. But they were genuine. My life is full of love. It is full of family and ministry. Although I have many things to be thankful for, I continued to find myself lost. Days would end and I wondered when they had begun. I talked to Jesus and my words seemed to return to me. Going to church was another thing in my agenda book. I would think to myself “How do I find the passion I had as a teenager.” Back then, I would sincerely anticipate time to go worship Jesus with my friends. The Spirit of God would find me every time. I wanted that again. But is it impossible as you get older? Is it ridiculous to think of being completely on fire of God at my age?
So worship started. I walked to the back. I made a decision to make camp not only about serving Jesus but about finding Jesus. If I could only find Him again, then I could serve because it is all I wanted. Not because it is what I am suppose to do. I exerted every bit of my energy on Him. For the first time in ten years, something familiar came back to me. We worshiped Jesus for over an hour that night. The whole time God ministered over me. I didn’t care what one other person in the room thought about how crazy I looked. Once I let go, once I stepped over my own boundaries, Jesus swept in and swept me off my feet. There were moments I didn’t feel my feet touching the ground. He carried me as I danced before Him. He carried me through many years of living out my own routine. I laughed. I cried. I was with Him. He poured Himself out of me.
That night when it was all said and done, I lost my list. You see, I had a LONG list. A list of problems, frustrations and sickness. All that mattered was Him. As I worshipped Him, He melted it all away. He picked up my baggage and carried it away for me. I learned what He meant when he said that He is our refuge. I found rest in Him. There I was with my routine, adding new things to my list every day, feeling like God was a million miles away. It took me leaving my home, my children, my every day, and deciding to search for Him.
Routine is usually about us. It a made-up life we have created for ourselves. Routine is what we want for ourselves. I came home and found it again. It is hard to break free. When God does incredible things in my life it is not usually in my routine. It happens when I step out and follow Him. It is when I sacrifice my time or my money or myself. It happens when I decide to listen or when I take a risk. It happens when I decide to pray for someone to be healed even though it might not happen. It happens when I decide to look crazy and worship Him like no one else is around. It happens when I realize everything is okay because I have Him.
I realize that not everyone has the unique opportunity to take a break from life and do nothing but focus on Jesus. But coming home and finding this mountain made me come to a new conclusion. Church should be my camp. Twice a week I have the opportunity to go worship Jesus with other followers. My kids go to the nursery and I have time to do nothing but get lost in Jesus. I can let Him take over and minister over me. I need Him. I CANNOT go back to how it was. I CANNOT live without Him. I am happy this way. I hear Him speaking this way. I see Him moving in lives around me this way. I cannot go on living life as if my routine is what is best for me. I’ve done that for ten years and gotten nowhere. This is better. My children will thrive much more following the will of Jesus. My home with be peaceful yet passionate about following the direction of God.
I want to see God do extraordinary things. I want to see Him heal people from disease. I want to see Him change people and make them happy. I want fire to fall down and consume us all so that what He has done through us will spread all around us.
The interesting thing I have found is that Jesus is so much easier to find now. Two Sundays in a row I have lifted my hands and said “Jesus” and He was there. He amazes me. I feel Him overwhelm me immediately. His presence is our Home as Pastor Aaron said in church this morning. It is the most amazing thing in the entire world.

The Love of Family

2010-06-13T12:06:00.000-07:00

I'm am filled with LOVE as I think about this weekend. We celebrated Roman's 4th birthday! Friday night David's parents, sister and three children came to stay two nights with us. All the kids piled on a matrice in the living room and watched a movie together before bed. Even though they hadn't been together for a while, it was like they hadn't missed a moment. Everyone crashed on different beds and matrices on floors all over the house! Saturday morning we woke up early and had a big breakfast around the harvest table. At lunch we threw a Batman party! All five of the cousins played in the water sprinklers and ate Batman blue cups while sporting their Mommy-made felt superhero capes. My mom, Daniel, Dad and Sandy joined us for the party.

Roman loved having all of his family in one place. He knows those are the people who love him the most. There is nothing in the world like Gran Gran or Pabba or any one of them picking him up and squeezing him:) The love shown to my children from each family member this weekend makes me feel deep gratitude. Roman said "All my family is here." He didn't have to have any presents. He was just happy having everyone he cares about the most in one place at one time. I think Roman really appreciates time with his family since we live away from them. We grilled out and had a great time!

Saturday evening we went to Centennial Park and enjoyed the Big Band Dance! It was so much fun being silly with all the kids and watching them dance crazy to the music. We enjoyed snow cones and all the other sites found in the park. Before leaving town that night enjoyed the view of downtown from the capital building. The fountains were beautiful in the moonlight and the breeze was refreshing after the hot day! I was so thrilled to see how Roman and Jude interacted with their cousins. There is nothing like the love and friendship found in family. I grew up spending day after day with my cousins and it is important to me for my children to have that same opportunity. I also got to spend some good quality time with my niece and nephews. Jackson taught me to play his Nintendo DS, Emerson was my dance partner, and sweet Victoria is the sweetest most dainty little girl I have every known!

So Thank You to all the family that came out to Roman's 4th birthday party and spent the weekend with us! Everyone chipped in and helped with everything and my children felt so much love! That is the most important thing in the world to me. To know that each of you love my children and go out of your way to spend time loving on them makes me so grateful for each of you!

To me this weekend had been a picture from God. He had done so much for us already yet he continues to do more. I am thankful that He watches over my family and allows us to continually have each other to Love. May I always put aside selfishness and remember that Jesus is the author and finisher of everything. May my fears and disappointments melt away as I place my hope and trust in Him.

Roman Huff you are the smartest most creative and inspiring 4 year old I have ever known! Mommy is so proud of you!

My Treasure.

2010-06-09T11:20:00.000-07:00

My family is getting sweeter. It makes me so happy to see how close the boys are getting as they get older. I watch them hit, push, and pull on each other and it makes me happy. It is pretty much a wrestling match all day long. I was never around boys growing up. It was just me and my sister. I was NOT prepared for this:)They are so rough! The fighting and yelling at each other - Oh my! Everyone says it is normal though. I'm taking their words for it! But they sit so close to each other that their legs are all mingled and they don't even realize it. They naturally lean on each other when they stop to watch something on TV. They are pretty much side by side all day long..... They have a very special brotherly bond. You dream and plan your family and this is the way you would want it - Two boys who can't be separated - Who look out for each other. When Roman sees something great he must tell Jude to come and see! They mimic each other. I always thought it would just be Jude following his big brother. But, Roman watches Jude and learns from him too. This is a surprise. Jude plays with a toy a certain way and Roman says "oh cool, how did you do that Jude?" Roman respects his little bubby. He sees him as another kid just like him - not a baby.

Last weekend we spent 3 nights with family in KY. We went to Holiday World. Jude road all the rides with his brother at his side. They were so sweet together! We also went to a huge drive-in. Saw Shrek 3. It was a great weekend spent relaxing and family!!!

Jude is 15 MONTHS OLD! I soak in every moment with him. He is a perfect baby. He is quiet, calm, and pleasant. He tells me when he wants to go to bed by going to get his paci and blanket then pointing to his bed! I promise Roman has never known he was sleepy once in his lifetime:) Then, Jude simply wants me to hold him just for a second then lay him in his bed so he can fall asleep on his own. He likes routine. He loves sleeping and napping. He has to have a lot of those two things and he is happy! We were out of town for Memorial Day last weekend and he didn't sleep the whole weekend because he was away his room and his bed. Jude doesnt care what anyone thinks. He knows what he wants and does it. He shows off every so often when he knows he is making someone laugh but not the entertainer like Roman. He has a plan for everything. If you take him off course then a red headed temper comes out from the sweet mild mannered child that will completely take you by surprise. He throws himself in the floor and refuses to do ANYTHING until it is done his way. Just this week he refused to take his milk cup for me. He wanted me to set it down so he could pick it up on his own. He is just so sweet ALL the rest of the time that you want to give him what he wants! He started pottying on command at 13 months. Stand him in front of the potty any time and he will make potty! Then a couple of weeks ago he started coming to me lifting up his shirt, pointing at his diaper, and saying poo poo. To my surprise he knew exactly what he was talking about.... right every time!!! So, he is on his way to being potty trained! He talks a lot! Every day it is a new word. Starting shaking his head yes or no to respond to a question. He loves familiarity. It takes a while for anyone to earn his favor. He has his select few people he goes to. Very picky this boy. But OH SO SWEET and cuddly. He is very loving, especially towards his mommy. Love it!

Roman is about to turn 4 YEARS OLD! I am so proud of all of his accomplishments but I still feel sad at times to see how independent he has become. He is my little twin. Pull out any pictures of me this age and we are the same from head to toe! This is only fair since Jude is David's mini me. He is very athletic. He can figure anything out. A bit impatient though. Must know everything RIGHT NOW!!! If he can't do it the first time someone must show him right then because there is no time to waist trying to figure something out! He craves approval and recognition. He is SO dramatic. Everything is really really wonderful or a horrible tragedy:) His imagination is extreme. He creates scenarios then scares himself by forgetting if they are real or not! Ha! Loves going going going. He CANNOT sit still. He does things out of impulse before ever thinking of the consequences. I think he and his brother may be polar opposites. Maybe this is why they make such a great team! He tells me he is going to love Jesus forever and ever! He wants to be a preacher just like his daddy! He told me last week that someone was being mean at school all day. But, he still was their friend and loved them even though they were mean. He cannot figure out why anyone would ever be hurtful or mean. He wants to teach people to be better. His loving compassionate heart shines when he wants to give someone a second chance to do good. He believes deep down in his heart that Jesus takes care of everything. Roman Eli Crawford Huff has changed me. He challenges me constantly in many ways. My patience is ALWAYS challenged but he also cause me to see Jesus the way he does. He is a leader. And I can tell that someday he will be a very good one. One that loves and accepts without judgment.

Take away my home. Take away all of my processions. If all I have is this family and Jesus I am just fine.

Brotherly Love

2010-04-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

In just a few days Jude will be 14 months old. This is the age I sometimes feel that Roman should still be. It feels strange having a second one filling those shoes. I compare the two and try to think of all the moments between Roman then and Roman now. My heart hurts because he is so big. I never want to let go of those baby moments with him - the moments where nothing else in the entire world matters except for me and him. We still find those every now and then but they are growing fewer.

Roman takes care of me. We went to the library this week. He loaded all the books in the stroller, wheeled the stroller to the counter, unloaded the books, then put them back in our stroller. He said, "You take a break mom. I got this." He takes care of his brother. I watch him from a distance. When we are outside he will notice if Jude puts something in his mouth. I saw him run in the house, climb up to the sink to rinse off the pacifier, then return to Jude and put it in his mouth - all so he would be safe. There are a lot of expectations on the first child. I am one and I remember. I expect him to be bigger than he is sometimes and I am working on that. He is very social. He wants to be around friends all the time. In fact, he mopes if he has to miss a day of school or church.

Sometimes I notice that he thinks like an adult. He has a lot of fear because of this. He understands some things on a different level. For example, he watches people around us when we are out without Daddy. I sometimes think he thinks he has to look out for us when David isn't there. Really I wish he wouldn't take on so much responsibility at such a young age. He notices everything and wants to know why? I sense that he will be very wise like his Daddy is. Who could go there whole lives asking that many questions and not be right:)

Jude. Oh my that sweet boy. I can't get enough of him. He brings me his blanket and paci and reaches up for me to hold him. He is happiest when snuggling with someone he loves. I recently learned that he is a runner! Put that boy down in a store and he is gone - running from one thing to the next checking everything out as fast as he can! We have always said that he has no fear and we are seeing that to be even more true as time goes on.

This month he has started playing chasing games. He loves to chase Roman in circles around the kitchen island. And he loves to run from you chasing him. When he wants to play he will keep running past you teasing you until you finally give in and chase him!

I make his lunch every day and put in on the picnic table outside next to his brother. He LOVES that. He will crawl up in his seat and eat the entire meal before getting up. He has also decided he wants to put himself to bed from now on. I lay him in his bed at night and he just goes right to sleep on his own. Otherwise, you could hold him all night and he would never go to sleep. This is very very different from Roman - the eating and sleeping part!

That hair is going to be the brightest red there is! I thought maybe strawberry blond for a while but no - RED. I love it! Now if you would just finally grow some!!! I think he still has the same amount from when he was born. It just dawned on me this week just how smart he is already! I told him to go put something in the trash and he followed my command. So, I have been testing him since then and discovered he can understand just about anything I ask of him!! Got our two top molars this week!

A person could never ask for more. To have my Roman pat me on the arm and say "I love you mom" in the most sincere way and to have my Jude rolling around in my lap with his paci and blanket. Don't get me wrong. Every single day there is a moment or more that I am overcome by fear or stress. I dont walk around all day overcome by bliss:) But I stop and pray, let God take over, and resume my place under His wings. There I find peace and rest. I am renewed moment by moment and able to see my life as it truly is - Not with eyes of heaviness.

I could obviously go on forever about my boys. Our lives are full of so much love that I am overwhelmed by it all. God's hand in our lives is so apparent that it has made my confidence in Him strengthen. I sense him stirring, putting things in to place. I am calm and waiting on Him. His way is the way without stress, without frustration, without failure.

Finding Peace

2010-04-16T19:17:00.000-07:00

If I could narrow everything in my life down to what is the most important I would choose our family and our ministry.

I grew up as a young girl dreaming about my future. So full of faith that each of our lives are destined to accomplish something great! I believed that we all have shoes to fill. We all have a greater purpose given to us by God and a choice whether or not to fulfill it! I knew in my heart that my future held ministry. My experiences with Jesus Christ left me believing so passionately that nothing could change my mind. My commitment wasn't from obligation. It was from desire. I had sensed God so close. I had seen him move in my life. I had felt Him comfort me when I was alone. I wanted to stay close. I wanted to hear His voice and move when He said move. I wanted Him to make my voice loud and my influence through Him big!

Ten years has brought me here. Ten years of learning. Life gets crazy and I forget my purpose. But I am always reminded. He comes for me and shows me what I am missing. I am called to refocus and draw close to Him. There is absolutely nothing else in my life that matters more that Him and my family and His purpose for us.
I must listen, find His peace, and trust.

There are many things I would like to do. I dreamed of starting a business this spring. A lot of time and effort went in to my planning. I felt my mind get hectic. Then I sensed God slowing me down. Maybe we could have gotten rich. Maybe it could have went nationwide as I was promised. But it isn't meant to be for me right now. What is most important is where God wants me. My dream and His dream are ministry. To focus on a business I would have to give up something else. I do not have room enough for everything.

I love my children, enjoy them and resume my position as David's partner in ministry. I'm most happy with that decision because my peace is found in Him. On my own I can accomplish nothing. I am sensing Him at work. I think He has some surprises in store for us sooner than later.

Home

2010-03-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I ask God why I continue to loose my faith in His ability to help me.

It's the cycle of my life. I forget. I get caught up. I know the better way. Time goes on and I am there at the same place I have left so many times.

With unfortunate sadness in my heart I speak, "God please help me." You see, once you have known the PEACE of God, any other place is lonely.

I love the feeling that home brings. It is the place to let your hair down. The place to throw on some sweats and cuddle up on the couch under a big fuzzy blanket. It is the place to snuggle up with my kids and breath in their scents. It is the place to eat warm home cooked food and laugh together. It is the place you always want to come back to.

I have a place like that in my spirit. It is a place God takes me. I am home. His peace resounds in my soul. He infiltrates my mind and heart. I am oblivious most everything except what God is speaking to me.

I then say to God, "I am only here for a short stay. There are some other things I want to do."

I leave and begin a journey towards emptiness. I soon feel like I am lost between two places, belonging nowhere. I try so climb out only to fall again. I am overwhelmed. I wake in the mornings and want to go back to sleep because the day seems too big - too full of tasks. Nothing is ever accomplished. In exhaustion, I lay my head on my pillow at night feeling more overwhelmed than when I woke.

I plea, "God please help me." Each time He comes. Each time He loves me and mends me. He nuzzles down in my spirit and infiltrates my mind. He makes a home in my heart again.

Today, I read a book to my boys without rushing. I watched their faces as I told the story. The peace of God shines through me onto my children. They are calm. They are loving. And so am I.

Happy Birthday Jude

2010-03-10T12:36:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe my baby is 1 year old. This has been the fastest year to date. It seems like last month my water broke and sent me rushing to the hospital to delivery this sweet boy.

His 1st birthday party was a lot of fun! Yo Gabba Gabba is his favorite show. Any time it comes on he stops and dances. He is so sweet saying "Go go go gabba gabba." So, that was his theme for his party. Although he was not feeling well at the party he endured and had a great time! There was about 40 people there to celebrate his birthday!

He is walking (when he feels like it.) He would rather crawl because it is faster. It is quite funny because he is climbing and rolling off of things but not completely walking. Every now and then he will see something he wants and take at least 20 steps when no one is asking him to. He is VERY strong willed. Of course, you would have to be with a brother trying to control your every move. But do not ask him to do something he does not want to do. He will let you know about it! He lets out this high pitched scream each and every time.

The boys fight already - constantly! Isn't that funny. They want nothing more than to be together but throwing pushes and shoves the entire time. But, when someone else is around I hear nothing but love and affection from Roman about his brother. True brotherly love already. It is amazing. Roman looks out for that baby brother!

Jude learns to do things so fast! For his birthday his Pabba and Poppy got him a mini electric four wheeler. He figured it out right off the bat. He gets out there on the black top and rides his four wheeler with Bubby on his big four wheeler riding next to him! It just cracks me up that he crawls to his four wheeler to drive it around the yard! He is already showing me where some of his body parts are! He loves his toes especially! Yesterday Roman got a jar of bubbles. Jude watched us blow them for about 10 seconds then crawled over and started puckering his lips together and blowing!!! I held the bubble wand up to his lips and he blows bubbles! That cracks me up! I love watching him figure things out!

He is brave. He truly has no fear. Riding that mini four wheeler scared Roman to death until he was at least 2! Jude never looks back. You can see the desire in his eyes. He sits, watches, then once he has it figured out in his head, he goes for it - But it has to be his idea.

He is very smart and a little mysterious. Where his brother Roman might be coached into doing some crazy stunts because he likes to be the center of attention, Jude is just perfectly fine doing what he wants to do. If you don't like it, then get over it! It takes a while before he decides if he trust someone or not. He likes dependability. Roman on the other hand, if you are going to take him somewhere cool, he will go anywhere with just about anyone - just as long as he knows he is coming back home.

Roman is Mr. Creativity. The list of made up words is still lengthening. The newest addition is "Treadja." If something disappointing happens he says "oh treadja." It is hilarious! He listens and hears EVERYTHING. He understands some things on an adult level. He is curious. For example, he wants to know who everyone is that I speak to. Not only does he want there name but he wants to know where they live and what they do. He proceeds each of those conversations with "Maybe I can visit their house sometime." He love people and loves to lean about what different people like. He really cares deep in his heart. He wants everyone to be as happy as he is.

They are both LOVING the outdoors. David can't seem to get why I let them both play in the dirt but they love it! Jude's favorite thing to do outside is to dig in pots. He finds is fascinating to keep digging through all the wet soil until something interesting comes along like a rock or stem! They are both beautiful. Both of my boys are perfect! They make me so very happy.

I love their differences. Both are amazing in their own uniqueness. Using different gifts from above, both will accomplish amazing things in their lifetimes.

Happy Birthday Jude! We are so blessed to have you in our lives.

Jude 10/11 months

2010-02-03T13:02:00.000-08:00

Where does time go? Really. It is frightening. Yesterday was groundhog’s day - my late Grandpa Peech’s birthday. I feel like a groundhog. Since Christmas things have seemed like a blur. You think the busyness of Christmas would have been the blur but it’s now. I’m not sure why. I’m ready to pop my head out from underground and get out of this spot. Jude had RSV, David’s dad had unexpected open heart surgery, and we have been trying to make some pretty important decisions. We have known for a while that David was going to start a graduate program at a seminary. We have been trying to decide when and where. And then I have had some personal things looming over my head. Just tasks that I needed to complete. They keep building up and I didn’t seem to be accomplishing anything. I am also in the process of working out the details of a small business I want to start this spring. I hope it happens. Right now it is all up to me. Can I do this while taking care of my family, working in ministry, and supporting David through school?

So, it is February. I feel encouraged. Valentines Day and Easter just around the corner means spring is on the way. I like seeing all those seed packets on the shelves. It makes me excited about planting and growing this year!

Jude is just finishing up his 10th month. I cannot believe it! His birthday is just around the corner. My baby will soon be a toddler. He has really started to understand what I am saying. He is starting to follow commands and respond to what I am saying in new ways. He finally has started spending a little time playing on his own or with his brother. I was watching him today playing in the floor. It is so strange. I use to sit and watch Roman play all by him. He would go through all his toys to figure them out and experiment with each one. Jude sits and stares at Roman. Everything Roman touches Jude’s eyes are drawn to. Jude can’t play with one toy long because he immediately wants what Roman has. And Roman goes from one toy to the next so quickly that it rarely allows Jude time to play with anything. His days are basically spent watching, following, and grabbing. Thursdays when Roman is in school, our time together is a little different. He will actually spend a moment discovering and playing with his toys. One thing that is so sweet about him is that he will find one thing he likes and carry it around for hours. He has to take it everywhere with him. So, while he is chasing Roman, he might have something in his hand he is holding on to just in case he has a moment to play with it!

Still can’t figure out if he is going to be left or right handed. With Ro, I already new at this point. This makes me wonder if he is going to be left handed. Right now, he uses both equally. Jude is definately starting to like spending more time with David. He is reaching for Daddy more and getting excited when he sees him. But, when I leave, he wonders around the house whining and will sometimes sit next to the back door. This week, David caught him in the back of the house away from everyone else sitting in the dark. When I got home that night I told David that where he was sitting was where I was earlier that day when he wanted me to hold him and I couldn’t. He went back to look for me there. Jude got 5 teeth this month making a grand total of 7! He is so close to walking. I think it will be this month for sure! I love this boy!

Roman is enjoying playing with his brother of course but is getting frustrated. He is basically being followed all day long. This keeps him company most of the time but he gets mad when Jude destroys EVERYTHING he builds. - 0r knocks his batcave over And the poor guy gets in trouble so much for being too rough with Jude. But Jude is always at his feet!

Roman went to the Ringling Bros Circus this month! He had the best time ever. At the pre-show he got called out by a clown to go in the ring and assist with a trick. He was so brave! I couldn’t believe he went out there in front of all those people. This little cute dog ran back and forth under Roman’s legs. Aunt Tracy and Shawn went with us. Roman was in awe the whole time.

We have been having school at home since Christmas. Roman is brilliant. I barely have to teach him and when I do He has it after one time. I went and bought kindergarten material this week. Roman has already done almost all the language arts material! I guess I will go to the 1st grade material soon. The other subject is math. He has completed at least ½ of it. I had no idea until I got it home to see what all kindergarten covered. He has over a year before he is even suppose to start Kindergarten! Roman is just so big. When I pick him up his legs hand down past my knees already. I can’t believe time passes so quickly!

So February is going to be a little more encouraging for me than January. It wasn’t a bad month but every now and then you just get stuck in a rut. And I did this month. It is not always preventable. When there is illness in the family it makes everything more complicated. But God has brought us all safely through this time and hopefully we are on the other side of it all. I can only put my trust in Him and not carry the heaviness of life on my own.

Emotional Unstable Hypochondriac

2010-01-12T13:15:00.001-08:00

If you are reading this, and you are a mother, I am sure you have wondered what it would be like to be diagnosed with a deadly disease. I am convinced every woman has those thoughts but being a mother intensifies those one hundred times over.

Motherhood turns you in to some sort of emotional unstable hypochondriac. We worry about everything. The only hope we have is that somehow we adapt, learn to control our thoughts, and put let God be the boss. Much easier said than done. But, it’s a fight worth fighting.

First, we ONLY have our children’s health and happiness in our hands; then, we have to balance our family dynamics, work, eat, feed our souls, take a shower, teach our children preschool, and keep it together for our husband’s sakes... Somewhere in the middle of it all it would be nice to at least hold a glimpse of who you are as an individual. Somewhere inside of me there is a girl who dreamed of what I wanted to be. Of course, those dreams included family and two sweet boys and ministry. But, there was also me. This girl wanted to feel and breathe in life to its fullest.

Four months ago, a doctor told me than my blood work indicated I had an autoimmune disorder, specifically Scleroderma. She did not know enough about this rare disorder so she recommended me to a rheumatoid specialist. Then, there was a wait. Four months of waiting. Everyone said “Don’t worry. It may be nothing. Wait to talk to the specialist before you worry.”

Do you know what I did? I read everything there is to read about Scleroderma. Every single ache and pain in my body my mind was attributing to this disease. I thought about the girl who would never become all that she dreamed of. I was torn. My heart and Spirit held on tight to God’s word. The Spirit of God within me sensed the hand of my King working. There were moments I was calm and confident. Then, the emotional unstable hypochondriac would take over my body. I would sit in my baby’s room while nursing him and imagine what my children would have to endure without a mother. I would secretly think of every single detail. How would David raise these children on his own? What would they think when I never came home again?

It was a dark place. Satan and his demonic spirits are here and ramped on Earth to steal, kill, and destroy. I was a fighting, trying to protect my mind with all that was within me. But, they found me, in my weak moments. These quiet times once used to stare and love a beautiful new creation, were being overtaken by thoughts of defeat. I have no doubt they were there in that room with me many times over 4 months. There were moments I rose up and commended them to leave all while asking God’s presence to fill the room. It was a battle. I trying to trust and be strong. But, there were moments where sadness would overtake me.

The weekend leading up to the doctor’s appointment was difficult. Once, I even thought “Everything could change after this weekend.” But, the morning of the appointment, I was completely okay. My heart was beating a little quick in my chest but I was peaceful. The doctor evaluated me. He asked a thousand questions and moved every joint in my body. At the end of it all he wrote without saying a word. Finally, I broke the silence, “What do you think is going on with me?” He replied, “Nothing. I think you’re okay.”

I left that building and drove and cried. A thousand tons had been lifted from me. I thought about how it could have gone either way. I could have left that office with the opposite news, “You have only 5 years to live.”

I ached with thankfulness. I sensed the Holy Spirit with me. I felt Him speaking many things to me and teaching me a great lesson through love. I felt as though I was wrapped up in His arms, just as I do again as I retail this story. It’s a swarming feeling inside my chest. Have you ever been so excited about something that you felt like you were going to pop right open if you couldn’t jump up and down and tell everyone the good news? That is what I feel here in my heart.

Men and women are so different. In the middle of my battle, I said to David “Can you imagine a child loosing their mother and…..” He cut me off in the middle of my thought and said “No. why would I ever even think about something so terrible?” He is right. While our hormones allow us to love in a completely different and much needed way, they do consume us at times.

The real question here is whether or not I would have responded in the same way even if the outcome had been different. Could I possibly still have trusted in Jesus Christ to heal me?

So, I am learning to suppress that ugly emotional unstable hypochondriac. My heart and soul and mind all believe that my God is controlling my fate. I believe I can call upon Him in my times of despair and He comes to my rescue. I have faith that He is the one true God and creator of everything. Through lessons and discipline I am learning. Learning to not be overcome by life. Every single day I have the ability to be incredibly disappointed. And I admit, I have many of those days. But, they are growing fewer. I could come up with a list ten pages long about all the things I wish were easier or different around me. Satan wants me to live in selfish dark and gloomy mode. He wants me to live and function in the tunnel of disappointment. But my God wants me to be free. He was me to live a blessed and joyful life enjoying it to its fullest, just like the girl inside me always wanted to. It’s possible.

I just paused a moment because both of my children were waking from their naps. First the baby. I picked him up and wrapped him in his blanket as he snuggled with me. Then, I heard the voice of my 3 year old calling. I carried the baby to Roman’s room. He was stretching and yawning there in his bed. I walked over and he jumped up to stand on the edge of his bed. He said “I want you to hold both boys!” With a child on both hips I walked to the living room and sat them down. I walked over to my computer to finish this story. Should I think about how difficult my day has been at times? Or should I dwell on my two perfectly healthy children who show me love unconditionally.

Thank you Jesus that I have two children health and happiness to think about.

Jude's 9th Month/ Ro 3 1/2

2010-01-06T13:06:00.000-08:00

My sweet little Jude. This boy is just changing and growing up so so fast! At 9 months he finally started "real" crawling. It is going everywhere, pulling up, and walking around things. Even though he just really started crawling, he is about to walk. He will take a couple of steps while diving into your arms when trying to get to you from someone or something else. Right now, all four of his front top teeth are coming through the gums!! He has not been happy about this at all. I can't imagine how that must feel. Poor guy. He, of course, still wants Mommy all the time. He is very attached. He makes motor noises when playing with his cars. He growls at his brother while grabbing him. He thinks it is so funny to "get" him. He finally has started laughing out loud. He has always smiled but never really out loud too much. He does this adorable thing where he crinkles his nose and makes this little blowing nose when he is smiling. Oh my, it is so cute and original:) I know I have said he is a eater before, but let me just tell you I was not exaggerating. This kids never stops eating. Food and drinking on his own from his sippy cup with a straw makes him so happy. He figured out how to drink from a straw the first time I gave it to him. It took Roman a while to figure that out. He is saying new words everyday. We figured out he is allergic to eggs right now. Roman was too at his age but grew out of it around 2. There is no stopping him right now. He is exploring and in to everything. I am having to baby-proof the house again! Still loving his blanket and his paci. That is what he wants when he is sleepy. He truly cannot here a tune without dancing. He finds music in everything. Even grocery shopping he dances to the sound of the wheels tapping across the floor. Ha! I think he may be a musician someday. He is trying to sing when I do. He loves bathtime with bubby! Those eyes of his are so big and wide open absorbing everything he can. He even has started watching himself potty and then clapping and cheering! It is hilarious. I think I may have him out of diapers sooner than Ro was. Roman was completely potty trained, no more nighttime diapers, by 22 months. We will see.

This year's Christmas for Roman was a dream. I'm not sure he could have been any happier. After our 4th Christmas I told him we had one more to go. He replied with "I don't need anymore presents" as he looked into his play room. He was right! Roman loves nothing more than spending time with all of his family. He was in heaven. I think I had finally convinced him that Santa was real before Christmas arrived. He was amazed Christmas morning at all Santa had done. And let me tell you that out of all 50 presents he got from everyone, he knows who each present came from. He can go down the list and tell you who got him each present. Roman has been so thankful and expressive lately. Every time I make him a meal or do just about anything for him, he comes over, hugs me, and says "thank you momma" for whatever it is. He has been doing that to everyone. It is like he just woke up and realized that people all around him are doing nice things for him and he appreciates it. He is so loving. He wants everyone to feel as loved and happy as he does. He performed in his first Christmas Production right before Christmas. All the family came to watch him and he did so amazing! He walked right up on stage with the rest of his class and performed all four songs. He smiled, danced, and waved at the family the whole time. It was so sweet. The best part of the big hug when he ran to me after he was finished. I was so proud of him. Roman is so smart. I know I am mommy so I am suppose to say that but he really amazes me. He learns so easy. We have almost completed an entire preschool book and he know everything in it. You show him once and that is all it takes. He leaned to read his first 4 words yesterday. Rat Cat Hat and Fat! He is writing and drawing really well. He is going to be a very smart boy. I can't wait to see what he does with his brilliance.

These boys are keeping me busy. Oh my, everything I thought I had figured out before the second one came along went down the drain. Just washing my hair is twice as complicated. But, I love it and this family is my life.

Valiant Girls Bible Study

2010-01-06T12:05:00.000-08:00

Each week we meet, I have come to expect God to do something amazing. I'm always curious about what will happen before we leave Barnes and Noble. I am beginning to look all around the store just to see who is there. Normally, I would never see anyone else. But, in light of recent events, things are changing.

If there were ever a dream of mine, it would be played out just as it is happening.

First of all, this group of girls is dear to my heart. I know I was created to spend my time with this impressionable group of individuals. Each week I prepare a devotional but it always turns into much more. Their minds are open and I believe they come wanting to take their relationships with Jesus to a new level. They come with questions about anything and everything. They seem to know it is a safe place to express their honesty. When you spend this type of time with anyone, asking and listening, you will see into the heart. I believe in them. I believe in encouragement. They need to know what great potential is at their fingertips. The King of the World, their creator, has called them blessed. We are capable of living a blessed life as Christians. When we walk in his ways, consulting Him on every question, He directs our paths. He is speaking to each of these girls. I want them to hear Him and feel it in the depths are their hearts. I want them to take what they are learning and reach out to people all around them who are waiting.

Speaking of waiting.....

They was a women who sat next to our little corner of Barnes and Noble while we discussed on Monday night. She sat there on her computer the entire time and never seemed affected by us. She never looked up, never went for coffee, just seemed as though she was reading something on her computer. Our discussion went on as it always does. At the conclusion of our night I noticed she was talking to a couple of the middle school girls. Savannah came over, tugged me on the arm, and said "This lady wants to talk to you." She was a very kind lady who introduced herself to me then told be her story. After a 5 minute talk, I was hugging her while tears streamed down her face. She had been sitting there in that coffee shop all day long. She had been desperately praying to God for help and felt hopeless. She was waiting and there we were talking about Jesus Christ. She had some desperate concerns about one of her daughters. She followed me back to our church where the Prayer Launch was taking place. The sanctuary was dimly lit with worship music playing overhead. There were prayer stations in the back and an open alter. She prayed and wept for at least an hour. Gratitude was dripping from her as the evening concluded. Today is Wednesday. She is planning to bring her daughters to our church tonight.

To my sweet Valiant girls. This is merely a blink of what God is doing through you. There are people all around us. You think they have already heard about Jesus. You think they know all they need to know. But, the truth is that they are waiting for someone who is passionate and believes deep down in their soul that Jesus Christ can save them. God has used us again and given us another example of what He wants to do through your lives. If you are willing to open yourself up, be committed, and be "loud" about what you believe, this type of thing will happen in your life every day! I say "loud" because, in the words of Tim, our December God experience, we are public and unashamed during our Monday night groups. God is really using us and I think it is amazing!

Maybe this is a lesson to all of us. Always be aware. Always look around and be listening for Jesus to lead you to someone.

Jude 8/9 months

2009-12-08T12:37:00.000-08:00

Jude is on the verge of independence. He is crawling on his elbows. He is pulling up to stand. He is sitting up all by himself from laying down. He really talks a lot when someone is listening. Most of his time is spent watching his brother. Roman is loud enough for both of them. But, when you listen, he talks. And he really has a lot to say! His words are really well directed. His vocabulary is increasing. Today he said "bath" as we sat next to the tub waiting for it to fill up. He says "Hi." It is amazing to be a part of this process and especially to compare how my boys develop. You always think your first child is the most intelligent of course. Then, the second one comes along and your realize how every child is more developed in different ways. It is all about that God given personality. He really tries to imitate what we say. It is pretty funny. When we say "Thank you" or "Love you" he will repeat us with very similar sounding words. Roman was so ahead of the game in so many ways. Jude is right on schedule on some of those things like crawling. But, he is quicker at different types of things like talking. They are so different yet similar.

My boys weigh EXACTLY the same at 9 months. Isn't that strange? Roman was only 3/4th of an inch longer. So they are very close to the same size. This is odd to me because it seems like Roman was so much smaller. Jude is clapping and playing peekaboo. His favorite thing right now is music or singing. He starts swaying back and forth the moment he hears a tune. He is eating just about everything and I haven't found a thing he doesn't like yet. But, let me just tell you he is such a big eater. He is never full! He got both of his bottom incisor teeth this month. He loves blowing his lips together and making funny sounds!

He is such a sweet baby. When he stares into your eyes there is no one else in the room but you and him. He loves his blue blanket with silk on the edges. When he gets sleepy he wants it with his paci. He holds the edges and rubs his little fingers back and forth across the silk.

Roman is imaginative and expressive. He is in fact so intelligent that he has decided that Santa is not real! He told me that Santa is only in books and on TV. I cannot convince him otherwise. He even thanked me for buying the presents that are suppose to be from Santa this year. Seriously. He is 3!!! He has to believe in Santa!

God at Barnes and Noble

2009-12-08T12:36:00.000-08:00

Valiant Girls.
I love them from the depths of my heart. They are inspiring, encouraging, and passionate. And I love even more that God finds us at Barnes and Noble. He hears His name spoken and He is there. My hope is that the love of Jesus Christ will be transplanted into each of their lives.

So, there is a guy. Let me just say that these girls are crazy over him. There we were a few weeks ago, crowded around a table and he listened from across the room. He sort of became a running joke among us. (If you saw him you would understand) We laughed because of our conversation. It is a very open area. If you can imagine a group of 11 or 12 teen-age girls talking in a book store. It is quite loud. People listen and we are not ashamed.

There we were last night, just assuming our typical positions around our table. I actually made the comment “Okay, let’s just see what crazy thing is going to happen tonight.” Then, Arianna says “Oh no, he’s back.” Let me just add here that I highly doubt any of the girls were actually thinking “Oh no.” He walked past us. I said as I threw my study notes in the air “Girls we have to keep it together. He will be back so we have to NOT be so obvious.” We were way past obvious but I was desperately trying. Within five minutes, he was back across the room writing and listening as I struggled to keep our conversation going.

We discussed relationships and boundaries. The girls had a lot of opinions on this topic. I secretly prayed and wondered if there was a way at all I could change or influence their thoughts on this matter. I was struggling.

At the end of the night, when there were only a few girls left, he walked over to our table and handed me this note.

“Share this with your girls. I pray my encouragement blesses you all as yours has blessed me.
– The tall guy with long, blond hair and the skinny jeans”

The note was quickly pulled from my hands and read aloud.

“When I look across the floor and see you girls. I see Christianity as God intended it to be. Public, unashamed, accountable, transparent. When your sweet, God-given voices reach my ears, I hear the voice of Jesus whispering into my own, “One day, my son, you will have a woman such as these.” Honestly, I am a young Christian man. I am eighteen years old. I have known Christ for fourteen of those years and I have struggled with addiction for eight. From the standpoint of a man after God’s heart, you young ladies are the catalyst to life-change. I pray. I worship. I read the good book. But none of these are as powerful as the testimony I hear from you ladies. Godly women are the reason lost and struggling men run into God’s arms when they experience the hurt I have been scarred by. I pray God sends me a woman like one of you. You are all beautiful in God’s eyes and in mine. Don’t ever let anyone tell you differently, even yourselves. Protect your hearts, your minds, and most of all, your bodies. If a man truly loves you, he will go after your hearts, not your purity. God bless you all.”

There is no one like my God. He is the Truth. He is working and making a way at all times. When I don’t know what to say, obviously He makes a way to get the point across.

Jude 7/8months and Mr. Roster

2009-11-10T19:28:00.000-08:00

Jude. Jude hit 8 months! He is absolutely nothing like his brother. He is hesitant, observant, demanding, pleasant, analytical.... He doesn't like major unexpected movements. Most of the time, if you toss him in the air, his arms will fly up and shake like he is terrified. The frown between his eyes indicates he would rather be securely resting in your arms. We put him in his swing outside this past week and there went his arms. Frightened. But, he LOVES watching his brother swing in a swing. Now that is comedy. Because he senses the laughter and love in Ro's voice. If you are happy, he is happy. If you are upset, so is he.

The way to his heart is love. Just sit in front of him and talk. Put your eyes right on him like there is no one else around and you will see smiles. You can tell when he thinking and figuring something out. But, he wants to do it at his own pace. By all means, don't rush him or he will tell you about it. He loves to be held so he can snuggle his face into your chest and hold on tight.

He wants mommy. Really. It is quite extreme. It doesn't matter who is holding him, his arms are stretched and he is leaning to whichever direction is closest to me. And, I don't even have to hold him. He just wants to be near me. He will sit on the floor and play happily if he has just one hand touching my leg or if he can just lean again me.

He finally got his first tooth at the end of his 7th month. Now it looks as though another may be on its way right beside it. He is sitting up perfectly and trying so hard to crawl. So so close! He can get just about anywhere he wants just not completely up on all fours yet. His desire to accomplish milestones is not as strong as Roman's was at this age. He is a thinker. I can see wisdom behind those eyes. Roman would jump out and try anything. Jude wants to put a plan together, so when he does it, it will be right the first time.

And he has a temper. According to stories I've heard, it's the red hair. He is quiet until something happens he doesn't like. Take a toy away for example and he will let out a scream like something horrible just happened.

His smile. Oh my. He tightens his little lips together so hard that his cheeks dimple. Definitely an original and irresistible smile.

So Jude and Roman have recently started the brotherly taunting. They tease each other out of meanness and love. Roman gets in trouble for it and we all think it is cute when Jude does it of course. Jude does not miss an opportunity to grab Roman's hair or bop him on the head with a toy. It is obvious he does it on purpose considering he lets out a mischievous squeal like he must hurry and jump on the opportunity before Ro gets away. I overheard Roman telling Jude this week "You are my best friend in the whole world. I love you brother."

Roman. He has so much love. He says "Mommy, thank you for making all this food for me" so passionately. He wants to know why EVERYTHING. Why is that sick bird laying on the porch. And he is no longer happy with our quick answers. He sticks around to see what exactly daddy is doing that he didn't want him to see. "Why did he put it in the trash can?" His little mind is way too clever as times. He talks to everyone. In just a grocery shopping trip Roman makes at least 5 friends. And he says so much that most people can only gather a few words. He is learning his Christmas songs and taking it very serious. Singing the words as loud as he can, memorizing, and practicing. He loves his classmates and his teacher this semester. He is very upset on the days he has to miss. He wants to do and be a part of everything. By all means, lets not miss out on anything!

I am very proud and thankful for these two boys. In the midst of recent tragedy among many friends, I am seeing the great fortune I have even more clearly. Each of them, a gift, created for a purpose. May they fulfill God's desire for their lives.

The Easy Road

2009-11-10T11:05:00.000-08:00

Oh my Word. Life is moving and changing so quickly. Over the past 2 months, God has been unveiling new ideas and new ways of living. Lets see if I can sum it all up.

It all started when Roman had a horrible reaction to his asthma medication. I was scared and wondered what to do next. I didn't want to pump his little body full of any more toxins but was scared he would end up back in the hospital. Through a serious of prayers and people walking into my life, I consulted a chiropractor that specializes in natural medicine. She is now successfully treating me and Roman. After three months, I am free of lower back pain that I had lived with for over a year. Roman is healthy. He has only suffered from one minor cold since the beginning of cold/flu season. This is truly a miracle in itself. For now and hopefully forever, asthma has subsided.

In the meantime, God was teaching me about our ministry. Inspiring me with new ideas and totally new thought processes. He has shown me some incredible things. It is exciting to feel God so present in my life again. We were uprooted and transplanted - now living as missionaries in a convenient sort of way. Away from family but devoted to a group of individuals. Not worthy by any means - but wanting and willing.

Next, a call from a physician reminding me of something from my past. Her words "Ignorance is bliss huh?" may ring in ears for a long time. There are antibodies in my blood that should not be there indicating I have some sort of autoimmune disorder. One antigen in particular indicates Scleroderm - a horrible disease that potentially kills within 5 years.

I know that that Satan can be clever but I am on to him. In an effort to destroy my hopes and dreams, he uses defeat. He uses fear. This disease, I do not have. But let me just tell you that it did mess with my mind for a while. Still there are days I am weak and I give in to thoughts of defeat.

I took this information and asked God what to do with it. He is now leading me on a journey of holistic nutrition. Through research, I am learning about many things we consume which are proven to causes autoimmune disorders, cancer, etc. And learning about all the things we were created to consume that we do not. I am taking supplements, choosing food differently, and eliminating certain foods from my diet.

Like my last post, I believe this is another issue of black and white. We want to believe that what we are told regarding what is good for us is true. We want to believe that all the research has been done for us. The truth is there are agendas and there are mistakes. As an nurse, I was taught that medicine is truth. Never was I reminded to read the small print. The print that tells you that the medicine you are taking caused uterine cancer in 50% of the mice it was tested on. Never was I told that hydrogenated oils cannot be digested and float around as free radicals in our bloodstream.

We are given one body. At 29 years old, I have decided to finally take care of mine like it was a gift from God. It is right. Also I've decided to take care of my children (and my husband) the best I way I can. The easy road is not the best - it never is.

And now He is teaching me about my mind. You have heard "You are what you eat" right? I am learning that the same thing applies to my mind. I am eliminating certain TV shows that I absolutely adore. But the thoughts that are implanted into my head are detrimental. I said in my last post that if Satan can implant just one thought than he has power. I am focusing. I am meditating on God and His word.

So, there it is. The beginning of my journey to a physically and mentally healthier me. Right now, I am feeling really great. I am laughing more, breathing easier, and enjoying my days at a slower pace. I am learning to love unconditionally. It is Jesus that heals you. It is Him that teaches you and makes you better.

Black and White

2009-11-05T12:08:00.000-08:00

My boys. They have absolutely no idea how much they are loved. They have no idea how I cherish every single smile, every single glance. I hold it in the palm of my hand like someone just gave me the world. My heart aches when I think of them being sick or someone hurting one of them. How can one survive this? There are days when the responsibilities overtake me. There is so much fear. Fear of sickness. Fear of sadness. Fear of hurt. And it is all around. Some days I feel it coming closer. I hear of pain that others must endure and I wonder how long it will be that I live in this world of shelter. How long can I endure under His wings. He didn't promise perfection.

May God give me peace in these times that Satan and his team are out to torment and destroy. They want me to believe I cannot be safe. They want me to believe it is my turn next. I am mad that I let them in. I am frustrated that I don't recognize them when they sneak around trying to latch on. They are leaches. Draining me from what strength I have left.

Black and White. We want to believe that is the way it is. Are the only things real those that are tangible? The truth is that there is this whole other dimension. We must see it to protect ourselves. We have to believe it exists and remember its claim against us. We have the ONE thing he can NEVER have - a promise. We have to protect our hearts, our souls, our minds from the enemy. If he can implant just one thought, he has power. He has no power in me or my family. I give everything to Jesus Christ. He is my understanding. He is my strength. He is my peace.

Recognize them. Remove them. You have power in the name of Jesus Christ because He lives in you. You are stronger. Let God build you up. Let God be your refuge in times of despair. God will deliver you from the enemy and be your safe place.

Catching Up

2009-10-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

So many thoughts. So many things to reflect upon. But, since my time is limited, I will start with the most important and see how far I get tonight. The past 2 months have flown by so quickly. We went to Florida with my dad, which was a miracle in itself. More to come on that. The trip was amazing. Jude's first time to the beach and Roman's third.

Jude is ending his 6th month. I cannot believe how my baby has grown. Today, he stood by himself not holding on to anything but leaning against a box. He is picking up small snacks and feeding himself. He almost has the sitting up milestone accomplished but not quite exact. Still toppling over to the left or right. You can't lay him down without him immediately pulling a fast one. Before you know it he is on his tummy wiggling across the floor. He knows he has places to go and things to do but can't accomplish his dreams quite yet. He is maneuvering his way out of every infant seat. So, needless to say, we are in this in-between place that will pass very quickly. He is a hungery little one. When looking at his pictures that is obvious. He constantly wants to eat. And then he grunts! Grunts when he wants it and grunts when he eats it! It is like he knows there are so many wonderful things he has never tasted as he longs for each of your bites! He said Dadda, Momma, and Bubba all in two days of turning 6 months old. Today, just a few days from 7 months he is saying "Gan Gan" which is, of course, Gran Gran in baby language. He is a grabber. He reaches for EVERYTHING. He can't hold one thing long enough to know what he has when he is already reaching and stretching for the next. He talks, laughs, and plays with his brother already. Still in love with his mommy of course and I will soak up every second of it!

Roman. He is one intelligent little guy. Flash card expedition. DAY 1 - knew 2 letters. Day 3 - knew EVERY letter. I try to study preschool books with him and he already knows how to do everything. Things I have never taught him, he just knows. All about matching, mazes, shapes, sizes, the list goes on and on. He is even starting to sound words out already! He just embraces every part of life. Nothing will ever slip past him. He remembers and reasons on an adult level at times. He is a truly amazing person. He notices things I walk past. He is teaching me so much and helping me to see things I once ignored. He has a very loving and concerned heart. That is one thing I love about him. He truly sympathizes with people around him. He wants everyone to feel as loved as he does. I have seen tears in his eyes when he thought someone was hurt and he tries so hard to understand. Questions! There are at least 500 a day! "What does a minute mean?" "Why?" "What does a little while mean?" Never never say a word without being prepared to explain it. He wants to badly to understand life and all its mysteries.

Tonight, David is in Austin, TX, submersed in experiences of a lifetime. I am in KY with family, also embracing these moments of sereneness. There almost isn't room enough for all there is to consider.

What a Life

2009-08-12T06:53:00.000-07:00

Jude is 5 months old. He absolutely loves his brother. It is really nice to have Roman to entertain him when I'm busy. I put Jude in the playroom in his walker with Roman and he is entertained for a long time. He longs to do the things his brother is doing. And he loves when his brother pays attention to him. I find Roman talking to Jude many times a day telling him "Its okay Jude. I'm right here" or "I love you brother." Roman likes to sit beside him in the floor and hold his hand while they watch cartoons together.

Jude is rolling and reaching everywhere. When he sees something he wants, he will do anything to get it. He was so quiet for so long but over the past couple of weeks he has started talking a lot more. We play a game where he grunts and I mock him by grunting. He laughs and laughs. That game can go on for a long time. He cackles out loud EVERY TIME you tickle his neck. His favorite this right now is a sippy cup. A few weeks ago I gave him a cup with some cold water and he LOVED it. He lays in his bouncy seat with it for at least 30 minutes. He will take a few drinks, chew on it, then spit it all out:) I think he likes to chew on it because its cold and feels good on his gums. He is eating solids twice a day now. He has finally decided he likes it! He gets mad if you don't feed him fast enough and grunts at you. You can't take a break in between bites! He is sleeping really well. Going to bed at 8 and waking up around 6 to eat. Of course, we have our night every so often where he likes to wake up every hour. But, for the most part, he is doing great.

I pulled out all of Roman's winter clothes this week. Jude is already fitting in all of Roman's 6-9 month stuff and some of his 12 month! He is such a solid boy which makes for a snugly little one! He has started one of my favorite phases which is playing with his feet.! Awww - I could sit and watch him play with his feet all day. Although, those feet can sure be distracting when he is trying to go to sleep and there they are - right in front of him - so tempting to play with. He is just so calm and sweet. He wakes from a nap by quietly talking and playing. Unless he decides he wants Mommy, then he lets out this painfully loud screaming cry. It is the only time he cries this way. It is very very sweet that he wants ME so much but a little frustrating when I can't leave him with anyone during church, for example, because they bring him to me thinking something terrible is wrong! Then, afterward he whimpers for a long times like he is trying to tell on someone for not doing right. When all along they were doing everything right.

Roman starts a new preschool year this Thursday. He will be going one day a week again this year. We do a couple of days of school at home during he week and everytime I try to teach him something he ends up telling me how to do it. He must pick up things very quickly. I sat down to teach him rectangle the other day and instead he showed my ALL 6 shapes on the page, then continued to draw an i. None of those things I had taught him except 3 of the shapes.

Roman told us a few days ago that he had 3 favorite places. They are Cracker Barrel, Target, and Chuck e cheese. He thinks Cracker Barrel is what we mean when we say we are going to stop somewhere quick and pick something up. No McDonalds - just Cracker Barrel:)

Roman went 5 solid months without sucking his thumb, then had a relapse. For some unknown reason, started again. Last weeks he has his second dentist appointment. He did awesome except says that he NEVER wants bubble gum toothpaste again. Then sold me a medication to paint on his thumb nail that taste bitter and will cause him to not be able to such his thumb. So, when we got home I sat him down and we had a talk about the medicine and what it does. He has not sucked his thumb one time since! He told me that we can take it back to the dentist because he doesn't need it.

It is so wonderful having two boys. They already love each other so much and are already playing together. Jude get so excited and starts swinging his legs and arms when he sees Roman driving his four wheeler or playing with his monster truck! I can tell they are going to be best friends and that is priceless.

I love these boys and I love our family.

Roman 3 / Jude 4 months

2009-07-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

Roman had the best birthday party. Thanks to all the family's help and lots of friends showing up to celebrate, it was awesome! Roman told me a few days later that he wanted to have "another party next time like that." Mickey Mouse was everywhere. Water gun fights, the slip'n'slide, his new swing set, balloons, a four wheeler, dance music, yummy food and cake - you name it we had it going on! He deserved it all. Not only because 3 is such a milestone, but because the birth of his brother a few months prior had brought about a lot of new changes in his life. Literally, since the day he turned 3, he grew up. I've heard this so many times about different ages but right before my eyes I witnessed the biggest changes in his life yet. His thoughts are on a completely different level. No more baby. I think his arms and legs grew a foot over night. That babyish waddle and face seem to have disappeared. He insist on doing everything on his own. Each moment that he request me, I am quicker to respond because I know that those "mommy hold me" times are growing fewer as time goes on. But, another change I've noticed is how he wants me to see each "big boy" thing he does. He glances from the corner of his eye to see if I am watching. You bet I will NOT miss a single one. I am growing more patient and learning to listen more closely as I realize the fortune I have in my care.

Jude has also turned 4 months old! He has came alive. I'm sure he slept the first 3 months of his little life. He is truly a pleasant child. He rarely ever cries. A friend of mine made a comment recently that she had never heard him cry. And seriously, we will go days without a complaint from him. The BEST ever is his smile. You can glance at him with just a smile and he offers a shy little smile in return. I have to say that this little one is attached to mommy big time. He follows my every move. It doesn't matter who else is in the room, he always has his eye on me. He smiles with his whole face while squinting his eyes and tucking his chin to the side like he is embarrassed. He is babbling a lot. He has learned how to blow bubbles! He will started talking and blowing bubbles and this will go on forever. He totally knows he is doing it. He soaks up any attention. He loves for anyone just to sit down and talk to him. He can sit and play with his hands forever and be completed content. His eyes are so big! They just draw you in when you see him. His hair is coming is pretty thick now. It is blond but has an obvious red tone to it. Everyone says it is red but it is more like a strawberry blond - except when David holds him - then it does look more red. He is sleeping 8 - 10 hours at night now! We have tried a few baby foods and rice cereal. He is not interested in any of it! I've tried every day now for a couple of weeks and he just doesn't want anything but milk. He spits just about all of it out of his mouth. The only thing he has liked is banana - not the baby food - the real thing. He went to he doctor this week. He weighed 15.7 pounds, and was 24 inches long.

I've Been Thinking

2009-06-25T09:27:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking. Life must be about decisions among your circumstances.

There is complete dissatisfaction.

There is complete satisfaction.

Then there is this "middle ground." Middle ground is a place you get stuck. For me, it is a place where I don't know what I want and become torn. Nothing gets done here. One day you feel one way and the next day another. Nothing ever changes here. Things you have dreamed of never happen because you never DECIDE to do anything. Instead, you wonder what it would be like. In a way, I think being completely dissatisfied would be better because then decisions would be made.

This is all personal by the way. These thoughts in no way are the thought of my family. I think they are all a part of a new chapter in my life. As I approach 30, I am thinking about what God is calling me to do. There are opportunities but I have to make steps forward. Middle ground is no place to stay. It is stagnant. My mind has wondered way to far in to no where land:) It is a evil trap. It could be the devil. We like to blame everything on him. I'm sure he likes me here since I seem to be doing absolutely nothing for the Kingdom of God in this place. Or it could just be me and human nature - to always dream about something different. Better or not, its out there.

Where did my passion vanish to? It seems to be undercover in a far away land. Probably is in "completely satisfied" land. I've got to get over this bridge. According to God, I've got things to do. I've got to get my eyes off myself and bring myself into an entirely different place. I think it is about balance, priorities, focus, and DECISIONS. I have two beautiful boys and a family to care for. It is a lot for anyone. But, as a family, all of us have things to do. Me, my husband, my boys, together we can accomplish many things in the Name of Jesus Christ who gave his life for us. I want Jesus for us all.

29

2009-06-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

29 when I realized life really doesn’t turn out exactly like you think it will. I’m in a strange state of mind right now. This is where I have found myself a lot lately. I think I am trying to work something out. Just not sure what it is yet.

Remember when you were a teenager. You would dream of what life would turn out like. All good and perfect and wonderful. I’m reminded of the song Somewhere over the Rainbow.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

I can totally feel why the words to that song were written. Teenagers don’t dream about fighting and dept. They don’t dream about sickness and stress. I dreamed about marriage and children. Those things happened. But, it is all the stuff in between that is different. It is my cousin dieing of cancer and my parents divorce that I didn’t anticipate. It is my son having a terrible peanut allergy. I could take my eyes off him for one minute and he could die from it. It is the pace of life and the absence of family. It is the expectations and failures. It is the relationships that aren’t there. I could go on but I’ll save it.

I dream now and there is doubt. I think this is why adults loose their passion. This is why most of them get stale. They realize the things they’ve dreamed of are somewhere over a rainbow.

Justice

2009-05-28T11:14:00.001-07:00

Proverbs 21 list many attributes considered honorable by God. One that is repeated several times in this chapter is justice. To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice - vs. 3 It is a joy for the just to do justice, but destruction will come to the workers of iniquity - vs. 15 The violence of the wicked will destroy them, because they refuse to do justice - vs. 7

I knew what this term meant in general but began to wonder about a more absolute definition? It seems to be a very important term used in the Bible several times when God is giving us instruction on how be day to day.

According to Dictionary.com Justice means many things. Here is what I found. The quality of being just; conformity to the principles of righteousness and rectitude in all things; strict performance of moral obligations; practical conformity to human or divine law; integrity in the dealings of men with each other; rectitude; equity; uprightness.

Shew.... Seems like a lot to live up to if you ask me. But definitely something we should strive to achieve in our own lives. I believe God wants us to live according to His law by obeying His commandments and instruction. Living a life of transparency. Letting our sin come to the surface so that it can be dealt with and resolved.We should strive to be easy going and pleasing to others. Instead of stirring up trouble we should close our mouths and turn off our thoughts. Many times we find flaws then let those thoughts take havoc on our minds. Eventually we cannot help but to voice our unneeded opinions. We convince ourselves it is important that we "tell them like it is" so they know the truth. Instead God wants us to show love and forgiveness all while withholding your own personal righteousness. There is a time to share our concerns and warn one another in a loving manner. But, many times our actions speak louder than our words.

I also believe we should strive to obey laws made by government. I have a friend who is constantly in defense when it comes to political issues. There will never be a day when he is content with any decisions than have been made in government. He is constantly searching for ways that it disagrees with God's law and is loud in voicing his concerns. I think we should be knowledgeable when it comes to these issues but also be diligent and uplifting in our prayer and speaking of these issues. We can peacefully make a stand without a continuous disgruntlement that consumes us. God calls us to uphold our moral justice while also respecting human law. We have to remember that though things may seem grim, God still is the ultimate ruler. He is able to do what He deems necessary, even when it comes to government.

He also calls us to have integrity when dealing with one another. I believe he calls us to respect one another even through our differences. I can easily find fault in many around me pointing out obvious sin. Many churches have been known to protest against sins that they have decided to single out and make more deadly than others. Not only calling out the sin but also demeaning the individuals carrying the flaw. I hardly think this behavior is showing love or respect to anyone. We should stand firm when it comes to our moral beliefs and live our lives according. We should voice the truth when the time is right in a loving manner. Thank goodness that Jesus sees more than just sin. I am thankful he sees me and loves me and helps me to overcome in areas when I struggle. God calls us to love.

God teach me how to be well rounded and do justice.

Boys are Growing Fast

2009-05-27T12:35:00.000-07:00

Jude is 3 months old! Can you believe it! All of the sudden he has just emerged from his shell. FINALLY! He is awake and energetic most of the day now and smiling all the time. He just seems to always be in a good mood. He is so happy and content all the time. He is starting to really coo a lot and form some new sounds. Just as plump as ever. Those big cheeks and little rolls are so sweet! He tries so hard to sit up. He grunts and uses his stomach and arms to try and lift himself but it just wont happen. He totally is watching us eat very closely and I believe he is longing for a bite:) He moves his little mouth just like he is chewing. Just about a month from now and he will be trying his first baby cereal! He sleeping very well. Most nights we get about 7 hours of continuous sleep but last night we got 8!

Roman is almost 3 years old. I am very sad about this. Three seems so big. And he has all of the sudden seemed so mature lately. I can't believe 3 of the years I have with him as a mommy has already passed. He has been dealing with some things emotionally lately as he is figuring out about death, loosing things, bad people, and being alone. I have heard him use that terminology a few times lately. He has had some moments of tears out of no where and he says things like "Mommy, I never want you to get lost because I love you." It is very heart wrenching to watch him as he discovers some of the misfortunes in life. Children should never be exposed to sadness. Last night he cried and cried because a cow in the book we were reading was alone in a barn. Roman is a very intelligent child and thinks about things in great detail.

Garden is growing fast and we have already been harvesting some vegetables from it! Going to experiment with growing cucumbers and cantaloupes on trellises. Should have squash, cucumbers, more lettuce, bell peppers, and tomatoes any day now!

Vegtable, Fruit, & Herb Garden

2009-05-20T09:47:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago I planted my 2nd garden. It is growing very quickly this year thanks to all of the rain! My plants seems to be very healthy except the green beans I had planted. The birds helped themselves to the seed sprouts leaving only stems emerging from the ground. I replanted them this week and added the beautiful aluminum pie tins to my garden to scare the birds away. The sound of the wind blowing the tins and the reflectiveness seems to be keeping all of the predators away.

I plan to blog on the progress of my garden and what I am learning about growing each vegetable, fruit, or herb. Something inside of me is fascinated by planting the garden and watching it grow. I think it is the organic nature of planting a seed in the soil and watching a healthy plant emerge. It connects me with nature and God. It is truly remarkable how God orchestrates such things to happen. For a seed to germinate then arise from its capsule with bright green leaves that need soil, water, and sun - also provided by God - is amazing. I think this hobby helps to keep me centered and thinking about some of the most basic of God's creations. And of course, we enjoy the harvest. We love the fresh vegetables and fruit. Roman goes to the garden and picks cherry tomatoes and pops them in his mouth. I love cooking with the herbs and learning about some of the ancient remedies herbs were used for. Working in my garden, feeling the sunshine and listening to the angered birds chirping at the pie tins, is relaxing and renewing to my spirit. Here is a little more about my garden this year.

Many of you may have heard that I had to start my herb garden all over this year due to a tilling accident :) So far I this year I have started French Lavender, Oregano, Thyme, Lemon Balm, Mint, Sweet Basil, Parsley, Cilantro, and Rosemary. Lemon Balm will always be my favorite. Love the strong aroma and it is also good in tea.

I have tomatoes and cherry tomatoes that are all about this size. I did spot some blooms this week already! They are growing so quickly that they already needed to be supported with stakes.

Broccoli. Last year I planted Broccoli and Cauliflower that never flowered or produced vegetables. Hopefully this year I will have more success. They seems to be growing much quicker.

Lettuce. Much more successful than last year. These will probably be ready to harvest in a few weeks then I will plants more in their places for a second harvest.

Squash.

Potatoes. My first year for these but they are growing very quickly. I hear you get around 15 potatoes per heal. I planted 7 or 8 heals. Way too many.

Cantaloupe

Bell Peppers. You can see a bloom already after just a couple of weeks.

Cauliflower

Onions. I planted a variety of bulbs. Red, Yellow, and White Onions.

Carrots. I took this picture a few days ago and I promise the carrots are already double in size. They need to be thinned.

Sweet Corn. Last year my corn was pretty pitiful. The stocks grew huge but corn was wimpy. Bought a different variety of seeds this year so hopefully I will have more success.

Cucumbers. These things grew like crazy last year and I had an abundance of cucumbers.

Watermelon

My garden will produce way more than my family can eat. Let me know and when the time comes, I will deliver you some fresh fruits and vegetables.

Life Lesson 101

2009-05-20T08:24:00.001-07:00

Ever wonder where sarcasm originated? In Job 38 and 39 God asks Job where he was when He laid he foundations of the Earth or when He put the sea in its place, covered it with clouds, and set boundaries for the very tides of the ocean. He asked Job if he had gone down to the bottom of the ocean or looked into the land of the dead. God wanted to know if Job had ever been to where the snow comes from or where He paved out the path for the thunderbolts. He asked Job if he could string up stars in heaven, along with their various constellations. After all, in the face of God who created the whole universe, any arguments look ridiculous.

Ever feel like challenging God because you are frustrated. We have all been there. Many times, life does not seem to be going in the direction we want it to. Disappointments bring about hopelessness. We loose sight of who God is and what He is able to accomplish. First, we loose our loyalty and desire to be close to Him. We travel miles away from God looking to make it on our own. Who needs Him anyway right? He didn't seem to do the job in the first place. When things go wrong we are quick to say "Why didn't you?" Next, we begin to loose our faithfulness and honor. I'm tired and worn out. Everyone else seems to be happier NOT trusting in God. I need some relief. Out of our desperation and sadness, we rebel against the one who can bring restoration. It's a downward spiral. The lower we get, the more we blame God and loose sight of Him. The further down we go, the harder it is to travel back up. Ungodliness becomes more appealing and the more likely we are to cave.

When you feel this way, read Job or at least chapters 38 and 39. If this doesn't make you feel regretful for your thoughts or actions, you may be further down the spiral than you realized.

Roman's 1st Class Picture

2009-05-19T10:16:00.001-07:00

Roman is finishing up his first year in preschool! We are so proud of him. He overcame fears and became his own independent little person for 5 hours once a week:) Here is his first class picture! It is priceless. I still have my first kinder garden picture and remember each of my friends in that class. He can tell me everyone's names and describe their personalities. He comes home telling me about conversations he has had with his friends and what games they played together while at school. He has been blessed with the best of teachers to help him transition into the classroom atmosphere. He has learned so much and is also very proud of himself. I love to watch him learn and grow socially and intellectually.

Routine

2009-04-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

Jude went to his 2 month appointment yesterday. He weighed 11 pounds! Up 5 pounds from his last visit. He is 21 1/4 inches long. Still quiet a bit smaller than his brother was but behind a few weeks since he was born earlier.

The doctor did confirm that he has a small umbilical hernia as I had suspected. But he relieved my worries but saying that it will most definitely close up on its own by age 1 or 2 not needing surgery because it is so small. When he cries or grunts his little belly button blows up a little and you can feel the hole in the muscle tissue beneath.

He got 3 shots but tolerated them really well. His legs were sore for the rest of the afternoon indicated by a squeal every time his legs were moved. But, he barely cried during the shots and didn't seem to be affected by them otherwise. I remember Roman would always get really fussy for days after shots.

On the way to the appointment I explained to Roman that his brother was going to get shots. In the room waiting for the doctor to come it, he started crying and saying "I want to go home" When I asked him why he said that he did not want baby Jude to get shots. He was so so sweet. He was very worried. Once the nurse came in with the shots he hid in the corner and never said a word. I think he was just relieved it wasn't him getting the shots:)

Things are finally getting back to normal around the Huff house. Jude is just fitting in like he has always been a part of our family:) Last night he slept 6 hours, ate, then slept another 6 hours. That was a much needed miracle and the only time he has ever done that. Ha! Roman was already sleeping 8 hours through the night as this point but baby Jude wants to grow his little fat rolls a little larger than Roman did! I am returning to work tomorrow! Part of me is glad to be getting out and using my nursing skills. But, another part of me will miss our Friday family days we have had since the baby came. Daddy Roman Party Day has returned - only this time as Daddy Roman and Jude Party Day!

So far in Jude's little life, he seems to be much less vocal than Roman. His coos and goos so far are much less frequent. I know I shouldn't always compare them but neither are better than the other- just stating some differences. He doesn't cry near as much but when he does cry it is much louder and with so much intensity. He will just lay flat in the floor and fall asleep which is something Ro never did. But, he loves for us to sing to him. No matter what he is upset about, that will always calm him down. He doesn't really seem to care as much about toys or even looking at them. He likes to just be held and talked to. He would rather watch us talking and moving around the house.

We are very excited that our new youth facility will be opening at the church within a couple of weeks! Pray that with this new facility that God brings a fresh movement through our teenagers and us. It will be very exciting to have our own place for the first time since we moved to Nashville!

2009-04-21T19:08:00.001-07:00

Roman Dancing at Centennial Park.

Saturday, we went to the Adventure Science Museum. It was so much fun. Roman loved it! He was a little overwhelmed at first because there was so much to see and do. He had never seen anything like it. Afterward we went to Centennial Park to have lunch and play. That afternoon I started getting sick and have been sick since with the flu. It's terrible. Roman's nose starting running again today as well. Hopefully it is just a runny nose and not what I've had.

Jude has accomplished many things during the 6th week of his little life. He rolled over both ways! Roman didn't do this until much later. He really knows what he wants and makes it happen. Also, he started smiling! He loves to pull up. If he is laying in my lap I let him grab my fingers and he will pull his head and body up to sitting position. If he is awake, he wants to be sitting up so he can see what is going on.

Roman went to an Allergy/Asthma specialist today at Vanderbilt. It took us 4 months to get in just after making the appointment. They tested him for about 20 different things on his back. The entire test lasted about 15 seconds. Everything was negative except for cats. Looks like he inherited that from me. But, all other environmental inhalants such as grass, weeds, etc. all came back negative. This is good news for many reasons. 1st is that he shouldn't have to deal with allergies like David does and 2nd this means that his asthma will more than likely go away around school age. They said 75% toddlers grow out of the asthma especially if it is not caused by the things he is exposed to in the environment. They did not test him for peanuts again since he has already had a positive test for that. They wanted to do blood work to determine the severity but we are just going to wait until he is older for that. All the other nuts he is not allergic to although they still suggested we avoid them because almost all nuts have been cross-contaminated during processing with peanuts.

Roman went to his bedroom tonight by himself. A while later he emerged completely changed into his pjs. He got undressed, found matching set, and got completely dressed on his own! He was so proud! I've also realized that he has this unbelievable ability to memorize things. You can put in a CD we've only heard a couple of times and he will sing all the words. He also really likes things like mazes that he can sit down and figure out. He is doing very advanced mazes on a lap top. He even looks ahead to figure out the ways he can't go because there all walls blocking the path. He is showing me lately that he is much more intelligent than I even realized.

What color is my hair?

2009-04-19T12:52:00.001-07:00

Huff Boys

2009-04-14T17:33:00.001-07:00

Jude 5 weeks old. See how he is changing!

Healthy Boys Again

2009-04-14T09:51:00.001-07:00

Roman is off to school today! Always so proud when he comes home to tell of everything he did during the day. Each week his new crafts are placed on the refrigerator and he tells of the story over and over of how he made it. He is learning and growing so quickly. My goal was to teach him his colors, shapes, numbers, and letters this year. But, before I even really got started, he already new a lot of them from school and things he has played with on his own. He is feeling much better this week.

Jude is also feeling better. Thank goodness the runny nose didn't turn into anything else for either of them. Last week, Jude's entire face and ears broke out in a scaly rash. I remember Roman's had done the same thing at the same age and the doctor said it was eczema. So, after two days of hydrocortisone cream and Eucerin Lotion, it was almost completely clear. He is also sleeping much better at night. He is just waking up right at 4 hours on the dot to eat then right back to sleep. Yesterday, he looked right into my eyes and reached up to touch my face. It melted my heart. He is getting SO chunky! I can't find the bottom of the creases in his neck. He really doesn't have a neck at all! His tummy is so round and full like a little frog:) And he has chunky rolls under his diaper! So so sweet. He looks stockier than Roman was at this age. Also, when we are out in the sun, his hair completely looks red. Then, we come inside and it is blond again. But, the part in the back that is getting thicker is getting more reddish. But, Roman holds his head next to the baby's and says "Look, the same." Jude likes to stay awake a couple of hours in the morning and a couple in the evenings now. He has already outgrown many of his preemie clothes.

We had a wonderful Easter. Roman woke up and immediately wanted to know if the Easter Bunny came. The Bunny had left the baskets on the front porch. Roman was amazed! He brought the boys each a basket of bathtub things including a bubble maker, water changing color dye, and markers. Of course, he brought candy and each of them a Dr. Suess book.

Thank you Jesus for resurrecting to give us the opportunity of life and to enjoy our beautiful boys.

Jude's First Cold

2009-04-09T07:30:00.001-07:00

Jude is sick! I guess having a two year old brother with a cold puts you at high risk for getting one yourself. Roman seems a little better but had to have another breathing treatment yesterday. Last night, I sat and watched Jude breath all night. His little nose is completely stuffed up and he is having a hard time getting air to pass through. He kept gagging and it really scared me. I thought he was choking a couple of times. He keeps sneezing and his voice is also raspy so he must have a sore throat. Keep them both in your prayers!

Brotherly Love

2009-04-07T09:39:00.001-07:00

Here are a couple of pictures taken this morning. You can tell that Jude is really interacting more today. I played with him and he would get really excited and start cooing. He really focused on a toy duck and you could tell he really wanted to grab it. He moved his arms towards it but couldn't quite reach it. He is also staying awake for longer intervals. He may actually stay awake for a couple of hours at a time now! He is really focusing in on your eyes and responding more to interaction. The more his eyes are open, the more he looks like Roman. I have a feeling they are really going to look a lot alike. Roman has a cold

this week. It's just a runny nose and sore throat. His pulmicort seems to really be helping since his simple colds are no longer turning in to breathing problems. After the baby came, he became really hyper-active. That seems to be slowing down this week. His "No's" are becoming much less frequent. He does look out for his brother. We were outside taking pictures and Jude's feet were in the ivy. He started crying because he was afraid that a spider might get his feet. We also can't leave room without taking Jude with us. Ro does not like to leave him alone! Yesterday, I was cleaning and was in the bedroom. When I came back to the kitchen Roman had gotten a Yoohoo box out of the fridge, put the straw in it and was drinking it. He was also eating a jello cup then he had gotten out, opened and started eating after getting his own spoon from the drawer. He is so big! Sometimes I look at him and wonder when exactly it happened. When did he grow so big? A couple of days ago, Roman grabbed his "self" and said "Oh, my tenders!" Thank you Kung Fu Panda for that quote. Ha Ha. Roman went to a huge Easter Event on Saturday. There was an Easter egg Hunt, blow up bounce houses, face painting and the Easter Bunny even made an appearance. Roman even won a Easter Basket after his name was drawn and he went up front all by himself to get it. We had a great weekend!

24 Days and Counting!

2009-02-28T19:31:00.000-08:00

24 Days until this new little one comes.... if he waits that long! This has been a very long pregnancy to say the least. I'm sure I'd have 3 more children if I didn't have to carry them all. Sadly - this may be my last only for that reason. My body does not like to be pregnant, especially my pancreas! But - it is almost over and I already feel as though I have accomplished something big! I'm pretty sure I've been so focused on getting through this pregnancy one day at a time that I have forgotten to consider the reward at the end.

Roman Eli now calls me "SweetiePie." This was what I apparently called him every now and then and didn't realize it. Now, he has adopted it to be used on me, Mommy, all while showing his love and affection for me. Awwwww - can you imagine TWO of these little boys!

Yesterday, I started swelling. I was hoping it wouldn't happen this time like this. And when I say swelling, don't take it lightly. I mean, I wake up that way in the morning and it continues to grow as the day goes:) I have creases all the way to my hips from every piece of thread in my cotton pants. My ankles are the same size as my calves! And lets not even mention my hands all the way up to my shoulders! Yuck...... A week after delivering my first child my husband said "I had forgotten what you really look like. Now you remind me of when we were dating again." Pretty sure I'm approaching the same condition again.

Okay - so now I feel a little relief from the venting! Everything is ready except his name! We are close but not sold. I wish I knew for sure. I wish I was sold 100% on a name but I'm not. Hopefully it will come to us soon.

Big News in Roman's World

2009-02-18T13:01:00.001-08:00

1. Roman went to his first dentist appointment last week! He loved every minute of it! There were balloons everywhere, animals hanging from the ceiling, and a TV on the ceiling playing Cars! He left with a huge ribbon on his shirt that said "Cavity Free Club," a balloon tied to each wrist, and a bag of toys he got to pick out from a special drawer. He opened and let the dentist clean, floss, and polish all of his teeth with no complaints! His teeth were all in perfect shape.

2. The biggest news is that Roman has seemed to voluntarily stop sucking his thumb this week! About 5 days ago, I noticed he wasn't sucking his thumb much at all and then for the past few days he has not sucked his thumb AT ALL! Even when he is laying down to go to sleep or snuggle with you on the couch, he just wants to hold your hand or hold one of his stuffed animals! I am VERY thankful for this because the dentist mentioned and measured his overbite caused from the thumb sucking. He said "we will just take care of that later with braces." But, I distinctly remember my overbite as a child and the embarrassment it caused me. I hated pictures because of my teeth. So, after the appointment I started thinking that I would like to start working on stopping the thumb sucking. Well, it looks like we don't have to worry about that at all! In a matter of days it looks like he has decided to break a 2 1/2 year habit. We will see??

God Knows Best

2008-11-25T18:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my two year old pulled a dinning room chair to the kitchen counter, climbed on top of it, and opened the cabinet - all in an attempt to get to the marshmallows! It would have worked out beautifully if only there had not been a stack of glass bowels right in front of them. He carefully picked up the stack and turned to place it on the counter when Mommy walked in the room and yelled his name. The next thing I knew the bowels were flying across the kitchen and hitting the floor, shattering into pieces. After the look of fear cleared his face, along came a big wet mushy faced cry.

Have you ever felt you wanted something and God just wasn't getting it done for you. There are just things in life that aren't meant to be. God tells us no or delays the results and we are so stubborn that we want it done anyway. I tend to be a very stubborn person so I relate completely to this concept. I'm convinced that you can make just about anything happen that you set your mind to. That is suppose to be a good thing right? We tell children all the time "You can be anything you want to be when you grow up." I'm a believer of that idea. Over and over in my life I've decided I wanted something and without a second thought I'm off to accomplish it on my own. I'll do whatever it takes not realizing that I may be hurting myself or others along the way because my eyes are set on what seems to be so appealing. I decide I know what is best for me and what will make me the happiest. IF ONLY I had that personality trait or IF ONLY I could be a great photographer. IF ONLY I could work 50 extra hours of overtime so I could get that new upgraded IPOD. If ONLY I had a marshmallow.

When my two year old sets his mind on something you might as well let him learn some lessons the hard way. Sometimes that is easier for everyone and prevents repetition in the future. He is not capable of critical thinking and understanding that Mommy knows best.

God Knows Best. We tend to be greedy and controlling just within ourselves. Sure. There are so many things that sound so appealing. It would be great if we could be everything to everyone while having everything. Just asking God "Should I spend hours pouring myself in learning photography?" could make all the difference. Completely unrelated to my desire to take pictures for those of you who know me well. It may be a yes! It may be him giving you that desire. Or it may not be. It may be him telling you to notice how elegant someone else seems to be when they speak because he want you to learn more about speaking. Or it could be you always wanting something God is saying NO to.

There is always something on my list. Something I want that I need to work hard to get. It is very overwhelming at times - having so many things to accomplish. Most of the time, I never ask God to begin with if I should want IT or not. On top of that, I never ask for His help to get IT.

When I said no to the marshmallows it was because I knew my son could get hurt climbing the kitchen counters and moving glass. All that trouble and no reward. He didn't even get the marshmallows in the end.

I want to spend my limited amount of time on reaching for things that are actually obtainable. Not only that, but things that are satisfying and rewarding in the end. And I'm coming to realize that I have no way of knowing what will be those things to me. My point I guess - God knows best so I think I should start asking Him what he thinks more often.

Boys

2008-11-21T04:10:00.000-08:00

Yes - there was a part of me that wanted a girl. I had a boy and that is what your suppose to want next right? It's the all American family - one boy one girl.

But, the moment I saw that little boy responding to my touch during the ultrasound, I knew he was all mine. He is my little sweet boy growing healthy and strong. I watched him ball up all snug then stretch out big and push away. I watched his hands reach out and touch and feel. Nothing in the world could make me change the news of another rotten little boy we got yesterday. Then, I came home and held my little Roman in my arms and rocked him. He looked up at me and said "Mommy kiss pleeeaaassee" and I knew that my life couldn't be any more perfect! Wow - just the thought of the love my heart holds for my boys is overwhelming...... (And that includes my husband)

Your daddy, your brother and I can't wait to meet you little boy Huff number two :)

Unexpected

2008-11-12T12:31:00.001-08:00

Today my son leaned over and gave me a big kiss on the cheek and hug around the neck out of no where. It was super sweet and I am thankful he is mine!

Another Day to be a Proud Mommy

2008-09-16T20:00:00.001-07:00

Roman woke up this morning ready for school! After only one prior day at school, he was smiling and ready to go. He helped me pack his backpack and prepare to leave. On the way there, we stopped and he picked out his own lunchable, which made him very happy. He walked into school with a smile on his face and his head up. His teacher opened the gate and he walked in on his own. A few minutes later, I walked past his classroom hoping he wouldn't spot me but he did. He yelled "Mommy." When I looked back he said "school" with a proud smile on his face and waived bye!

You may not know what an accomplishment and a surprise this is. Roman has been the child who went to nursery screaming and clinching my arms for months now. He has been the one full of fear. But, today I saw a new side of Roman. I was so proud of him and he was proud of himself!

REVIVED

2008-07-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

Today has been a really good day! God told me about 5 days ago while I was worshiping Him that He was restoring my joy. Don't get me wrong - I have been really happy. But, I am talking about a deep sense of peace and satisfaction. I'm talking about a feeling of security that exceeds anything that makes sense. While He was sharing this with me, I pictured myself walking around my house opening the widows and letting fresh air blow through. I thought about my home becoming a reviving place. My preoccupied mind has been set free from that which consumed it. God is restoring my imagination, creativity, and my appreciation for life. My home is becoming a place of worship towards God and communication with Him. I believe this change in my life has been brought about by a new level I am reaching in my relationship with God.

So far today, Roman and I picked cantaloupes, tomatoes, cabbage, and green beans from my garden. Next, we went to the library to exchange his books. Last, we went to buy my niece Victoria a present for her first birthday while also grabbing Roman a lantern to keep beside his bed at night.

Last night, I started reading “You May all Prophesy” by Steve Thompson. It is truly amazing. If you are looking for a quick easy read that will change your life forever, this is one. You will probably have to find it online. It explains the different types of prophetic gifts, scriptures to back up these ideas, myths, why we desperately need them, and how to hear God and use your gifts. I read half the book last night because I couldn't put it down.

Thank you God for helping me realize that I need you in every aspect of my life

Desire Spiritual Gifts

2008-07-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

1 Corinthians 14:1 Pursue love, and desire spiritual gifts, but especially that you may prophesy.

(The word here for desire is zeloo which means to be zealous for, to burn with desire, to pursue, to desire eagerly or intensely.)

Why are we so afraid? We are afraid of offending others by using our spiritual gifts. We are afraid to think that we are actually seeking the Holy Spirit rather than God Himself. Isn’t the Holy Spirit part of God? In this passage, Paul wasn’t saying that spiritual gifts were optional and that a believer was free to take or reject them as it is commonly believed. They are to be a part of the ordinary and normal Christian experience. We are not to be passive, indifferent, neutral or unbelieving about spiritual gifts. Instead, we are to desire them strongly and are to be open to receiving them from God. Spiritual gifts have been given by God to be used as kingdom tools for accomplishing His purposes. Paul recognizes that all of the gifts of the Spirit are needed if our worship experience is to be as full as God wants it to be. These gifts bring the power of the Holy Spirit into our midst. Jesus said God seeks people to worship Him in Spirit and in truth. This is impossible without His presence, equipment, and power of the Holy Spirit.

I have seen the Holy Spirit move and change lives recently in undeniable ways. I believe wholeheartedly that the Holy Spirit moving in lives is the only way to see true withstanding results. So, I am seeking God and I am seeking spiritual gifts. I want my connection to God to be vibrant, alive, and fulfilling. I want it to be so powerful that everyone around me can see God.

I think we are conceded as humans by thinking we are right and superior? We think we know better than to believe in something that sounds so ridiculous. Prophesy, tongues, healing - How can these types of things be possible? We reason them to death. When we learn to be free and open to God, then we will see that others are searching a REAL God experience. They can go to any church in the country and hear about this God but where is He to be found?

Gratitude

2008-06-02T10:21:00.000-07:00

I should be doing many other things at this moment. I could be cleaning my house. It is a disaster after the busy weekend. I could be taking a nap with my son. I’m still dealing with bronchitis and haven’t slept for nights. I could be folding the pile of clothes I am sitting on. I’m literally sitting on a mountain of clean clothes. But, my heart is deeply rooted with gratitude and I want to write it all down and figure it out.

Recently, I have felt my soul being shook up. I’ve been like a glass of water with lemonade mix settled in the bottom. The mix has been there all along - the livelihood of my spirituality and the flavor to my drink. I’ve recently known something was happening inside of me to awaken my connection with God. I’ve tried to talk about it which has lead to internal frustration when I wasn’t able to exactly figure it out. It wasn’t me that started it. It was God and I want it to continue. I’m ready to reboot this thing that was started a long time ago. I’m not one of these people that can be satisfied with where God has taken me. I fully believe that there is always more to be given. I fully believe that this is a continual process that brings me closer and closer to Him. I’m very tired of complacency and contentment in myself and people around me. I'm tired of going with the flow and concerning myself with what is and is not acceptable.

I should just admit now that I’m that crazy kind of girl. The one that believes God is doing crazy things all the time. The one that believes God is constantly speaking and healing and changing people. I want it to be me that God uses. I want to be His vessel. I’m ready to give up my sanity in the eyes of others to be as spontaneous as He wants me to be. I am committing to him wholeheartedly. Committing to give up the things that I recently thought mattered. I’m ready to seek God continually.

I am thankful for my pastors and I respect the calling to depth and leadership they’ve been given. I am thankful that they love God beyond measure and that they have been chosen to lead this church in what is to come. This past Sunday morning after hearing Pastor Aaron preach one of the best sermons I’ve heard, God confirmed in my heart that my family is exactly in the right place at the right time. I saw God speak through my Pastor in an amazing way. They were not his words but Gods. It is an honor and rarity to sit in the audience of a Pastor that has heard God and is directly speaking His words. I caught a glimpse of what God is in the process of accomplishing right in front of us. I am committed to pray and support our pastors. I am committed to praying that they hear from God in an extraordinary measure and that they are blessed. I pray that they are blessed so that the load of carrying our burdens is lighter. I am committed to praying that God is alive and rich in their lives every single day and they have many testimonies of how God has moved in their lives.

I am thankful for my mother and father-in-law. I have found a new appreciation for them. I love that they love God more than life itself and that they believe in Him in ways that no one else I know does. They have an amazing amount of faith that God is able to do anything. They believe that He is always working and moving in things all around us. Their commitment to God is admirable. This past weekend I realized more than ever that they are a great source of strength in mine and David’s life. Their hope is ALWAYS in God and it never waivers. At any time they are available to offer solid Godly advice and support. They remind me every time I am around them why I love God and why I have committed my life to Him and leading others to Him. They are always learning and growing closer to Him. They are always excited about what God is doing. I am blessed to have them in my life.

So, I am seeking God. I am setting my mind on Him. I am rebooting what was once started. I am asking God “What are you saying to me and people around me?” I am getting my head out of the ground and am putting God’s call into action. God has called me to live in holiness. Which for me means that I am done compromising. If it is questionable, I’m moving on. God has my family in this place in time not to have a job, a home, and all the things I could ever ask for. Those are bonuses that He has allowed. But He has called us to live extraordinary lives helping to save and give hope to people around us.

I am thankful.

Balance

2008-04-22T19:18:00.001-07:00

It was a Monday morning hike. Our goal was to get to the other side of the property where we would be close to the “moo cows.” For a one year old, it was a very long journey. The temperature was 75 degrees and the sun was beaming. Little did I know that this morning would influence me in the way that it did.

Approximately every two feet, we had to stop to blow a dandelion or stomp in a water puddle. This journey for my son was like touring the Grand Canyon would be for me. Every encounter was a new amazing experience. We danced with our shadows and ran through an open field doing gymnastics all before even leaving the yard. We stopped at the old stables to sit on the old dirty tractor. This was definitely Roman’s favorite part. I believe he could have sat there all day turning the steering wheel and changing gears.

The stream was my favorite part. At first my mom and I were just concerned with how to get to the other side. Then, I realized my son might want to see the water rushing over the rocks. So, we knelt down and watched. He carefully reached forward and felt the water then said “cold” while bringing his arms in. I then thought to myself “I would have taken my shoes off and walked through this when I was a kid.” So, I looked at Roman and said “Do you want to walk in the water?” He screamed “Yeah” and jumped in like he had been waiting for my permission. He was a little timid but amazed. We walked up and down the bank finding frogs, spiders, and fish. I made a decision that I wanted to catch a fish for Roman to play with so I ran back to the house to get a bucket. My original attempt was unsuccessful. It was quite a sight though. Mom stood near by laughing at me straddling a stream with a bucket almost falling in several times. When the frog I almost stepped on jumped in the water in front of me I screamed to the top of my lungs and ran. Finally, I gave up and decided to continue on our journey.

In front of us we saw three deer. They watched us closely and moved over to the side as we went by. We found these strange black birds with bright red wings that made very odd loud chirping noises. The grass was tall but Roman was persistent. He wanted to see the cows. When we finally got all the way to the end of the property, there they were right in front of us! I have never seen such shock on my sons face. He called them to come to him but they decided not to come. I think they decided to eat grass instead. On the way back home we picked up a stray, very persistent black cat. We later found it in our house eating the dog’s food. When passing back over the stream, I decided to leave my bucket in the water and come back for it later; hoping a fish or two may just swim into it! We were tired and it was time for lunch. Later that night, I went back to retrieve my mom’s mop bucket and found that I had caught six tiny fish!

While driving back home from Kentucky, I had two hours to think. I thought about the peace I had felt on our hike. I thought about how I felt carefree and I placed no expectations on myself. I thought about how I fully indulged myself in the moment I was living. Even if the moment was me trying to catch a fish in a stream. That hike caused me to breathe in air and feel the warmth that was all around me. I didn’t worry. I didn’t stress. It was two hours of hiking that felt like a month’s vacation to my soul. I found that place inside I lived in when I was a kid. You know the place where when you played your imagination took over and you were there in a different place in a different experience. You were so caught up in the moment. Seeing our surrounding through my son’s eyes helped me to sense the true beauty of God’s peace. I finally found it, that feeling of freedom from myself. I feel like my brain had been in multitasking over load. I’ve known it but I couldn’t change it. I didn’t know how. There was some computer glitch a couple of years ago and it has been hay wire ever since. No more. I found the problem and I am fixing it.

Balance. On my drive, I evaluated myself. We all need to do that every so often. I thought about all the things I want to be and how to balance them into one person. I’ve always thought about it but usually this overwhelming sense of anxiety comes in and I move on to something else. But this time, I felt prepared.

I want to be steady, free spirited, consistent, a mommy that my son cherishes, a wife that my husband is proud of, trusted, family centered, welcoming, warm, inviting, loving, open minded, myself, committed, sure of myself, compassionate, happy, sincere and spontaneous. I want to go out of my way when it isn’t convenient. I want to let out my voice. I want to not be held back when I’m insecure. I want to be oblivious when people are against me. I want to feel God’s peace more than once every two years. I want to live and feel the moment I am in. I want to let stress fall from me like leaves in the fall. I want to stop over thinking. I want to laugh more. I want to inspire. I want to let God rule my mind, my words, and my actions. The list of traits I thought about could continue on and on.

I thought about how I can mingle those things together to make me be free to be me. I don’t have to choose between this and that. I can decide who I am as I find it and add it to the collage that is ME. One observation I made when moving to Nashville was that, in general, people were less family centered. Time is spent differently here than the small country town in Kentucky where I grew up. God is showing me the positive in both places. He is teaching me how to mingle what I need and value into one self and one family.

Thank you God for using the nature you created and your spirit to help me get to a place I couldn’t find alone. Thank you for seeking me out in the middle of the country, in the middle of a field and showing yourself to me in a way I longed for. Thank you for taking my stress and lifting it from me. Just a moment of the peace you offer is enough to last forever. Thank you for again helping me understand the way I need to think and live.

Close Calls

2008-03-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

Two close calls – two days in a row. Yes, the experiences definitely have me thinking, a little frightened, and feeling very thankful!

Thursday, Roman and I were in my laundry room. There is one thing in my entire house that isn’t baby proof and it is in that room. I live in constant fear that the door will be left open and Roman will wonder into that room where there is an accident waiting to happen. Although, today, the dresser was finally securely anchored to the wall.

So, I was sitting in the feared room trying on shoes. Roman was beside me and reached over to open a drawer of my dresser. The dresser is very top heavy and crammed way too full of clothes. In slow motion, I saw the dresser tipping. I plunged towards it letting it land on my shoulder and left arm while a corner of one of the drawers swung open to crash into that little noggin of Romans. He quickly moved and I sat there for a moment trying to push the dresser up and off of me. Because of the awkward position I was in, I was unable to do it. Ro began crying and pointing at me. He knew I was in quite a predicament. Finally, I had to pull some of the drawers out and onto the floor so I could then lift the dresser off of me.

Other than the big gash in my newly constructed dry wall from the foot of the dresser ramming into it, we are completely fine. Well, I do have a bruised arm and a sore shoulder. Nothing tragic. But, I’m sure you’ve all heard the stories of dressers falling over and killing children.

Friday, I was driving home from work. I was cruising along on the 386 highway at ummmm….. we will say 75 miles per hour. David and Roman were on a long walking journey around our neighborhood waiting for me to stop and pick them up on my way home. I was eagerly rushing to see my sweet boy’s face when he saw me drive up to him. All at once, I received three text messages. Now, an average mature adult would stop here and think to themselves, “It is not a wise thing to do to read or write text messages when driving.” (Especially when you have a son and husband that you want to get home to and not die in the process)

Well, I made the wrong decision and learned a big lesson. I looked down at my phone. When I looked up, I was a little closer to the car on my right than I needed to be and it scared me. But, I wasn’t close enough to make my next mistake. I jerked my wheel to the left and completely lost control of my car. I swerved back and forth a few times desperately trying to get my wheels lined back up. I was squealing and smelling rubber. Then, at some point, I headed down into a ditch in the median on my left between the two lanes of traffic. I remember bumping, spinning, and heading down in direction. The whole time I was saying “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” That tends to be the ONLY thing that ever comes out of my mouth in situations like that. I guess I instinctively know that I’ve lost all control and He is the only one who can help me. I was just waiting to crash into something at any moment. My car successfully completely a 180 degree turn and landed with its’ wheels wedged into the hill next to me facing the opposite direction I had been going. My things were thrown around everywhere in my car. A police officer pulled up and helped me check my car over and get out of the ditch.

The rest of the night all I could do was think about the sensation of my car out of control and wonder. I wondered how in the world I could have cars in front, behind, and beside me and not involve any of them in my accident. I wondered about the fact that if I had been a few feet further along I would have went across a flat median and into another lane of oncoming traffic instead of down into that ditch. Turns out, I and my car were both completely okay. Nothing tragic. But, I’m sure you’ve all head the stories of car accidents on this very highway occuring and killing people.

So, it is Saturday, and I am working on successfully completing the third day with no accidents and no close calls. I just want an average day will my family and to enjoy every minute of it with all of the depth and participation and attention that it deserves!

Snowday

2008-03-09T13:42:00.001-07:00

Here are my two nephews (Jackson 6 and Emerson 4) playing in the snow on Saturday! They are just 3 1/2 hours north of us in Seymour, IN. Roman would have loved playing in the snow with his cousins!

Here is their sister and my niece (Victoria) dressed warm for a cold day! Isn't she beautiful! We haven't seen them since Christmas. Hopefully, we will get to soon.

Friendship

2008-03-08T20:39:00.000-08:00

Today, I realized something that always catches me by surprise.

There has been a pattern with each season of my life thus far. Well, frankly it just takes me a really long time to get to know someone well enough to feel completely comfortable around them. I mean, longer than normal. Really – I’m aware of it. For me to really open up and be myself – it is a process. Once I get there, I am relieved and happy. You know, the place you get to with a friend where you can laugh out loud, say silly goofy things, and feel completely okay with the fact that you aren’t doing just the right things all the time.

When I was in high school, I had a group of friends like this. Another group in nursing school that followed into my career as a nurse at my first hospital. I knew both groups of those girls a long time before I gave in and let them know me. Actually, both groups were friends for a long time before I joined in even though we all met at the same time. When I finally let go, it was such a freeing experience. This isn’t something I would ever do to myself intentionally because it isn’t a pleasant experience to analyze and worry about how I might appear to others. But, it is just something I do. I know it is mostly caused by fears and insecurities and I hate it. I know that it also causes others to get frustrated at times. But, it’s uncontrollable. The more I think and try to stop, the worse and more frustrated I grow with myself.

Today, I realized that there are a group of girls who I have gotten to that place with and that makes me so excited! Mostly, because I know that that my future will be blessed with rich meaningful friendships. I am so thankful for these girls for loving and excepting me – And for not giving up. They are so precious and thoughtful. Today they threw one of my favorite birthday parties. We had a fantastic meal at Chef’s Market then had delicious cake and truffles. My friends bought me the most thoughtful gifts: books, gift certificates, photo albums, a Starbucks tumbler, gardening supplies, Anthropologie kitchen décor, candles, the list goes on and on. Thank you all so much for all the work and money you put into making today such an unforgettable birthday. It meant so much more than you even realize!

So, my 28^th Birthday has definitely been the best one yet. So many things to be grateful for! Mom, Tracy, Dylan, and Danny got me this great 4 tier greenhouse where I’ve already started growing seedlings. Dad and David’s parents gave me money – which is always a much appreciated gift. David and Roman got me this super cute apron from Anthropologie and a Robin Miller cook book.

Not only do I get the privilege of knowing God and having a healthy beautiful family, I also get a group of friends that I deeply love! Seriously, I’ve said many times that God spoils me. I’m not kidding. He keeps adding and adding to my life. I give Him complete credit for this one!

Easter Lilies

2008-03-03T20:16:00.000-08:00

Easter Lilies

I absolutely love Easter Lilies. Saturday night I realized that my back and side yard is full of them! I wasn’t living here last spring so I was completely unaware that these beautiful flowers would bloom. I love them because they mean spring is around the corner. Because they have the most wonderful sweet aroma you can smell from quite a distance. Because they are the boldest color yellow that is always the first to make itself know in the midst of the winter dryness. And because when I was a child, I would go out and gather them to make bouquets.

Rut

I’ve been in a rut. One I’ve been having trouble getting out of. Mentally mostly. Many things may have played into this but I mostly blame myself. Have you ever felt like you were in a deep empty well in the ground? You can barely see the sun but you know it is up there. I’ve been feeling anxious, chlostrophobic, and uninspired. I hate to even admit it for two reasons. One is because I like to appear to have it all together and the other is that it sounds selfish, pointless, and maybe a little crazy. But, my thoughtful husband has reached his arm down into my empty well.

Anniversary Weekend

Two days of complete perfection in weather. 72 degrees and a clear sky. David first took me to the Shelby Street Bridge. It was breathtaking. Literally, to stand on a bridge with the sunshine, the wind, overlooking water and Nashville. For the first time in a while, I felt like I could breathe so deeply. The air was much fresher than in my empty well. We stayed there for a long time talking and dreaming. Next, we went to check into our suite on the top floor overlooking a beautiful atrium at Opry Mills Hotel. That evening, we ate dinner at Germantown Café seated in front of a window overlooking the city. I had Coconut Curry Salmon. It was the best meal I have ever had. Really, ask David, I gushed over each bite. We enjoyed driving around Germantown looking in the windows of all the 1800 style homes. The next morning we had a late breakfast then walked Hillsboro Village. I have to admit to all my friends that I had my doubts about Anthropologie. Wow. Loved every part of it! As shallow as this may seem. It has inspired my creativity. I love decorating, designing, and especially making old stuff look valuable. I’ve leaned a lesson about how your passions are priceless. Without them, you begin loosing a part of what defines you.

I am so thankful for my husband who loves me so much that he planned every detail of our weekend perfectly. Every door was opened. Everything was perfect. He was perfect. I am thankful that he loves me so deeply that he knows just what it takes to help me come to the surface even when I had no reason to be in the well to begin with. I knew when I saw those lilies blooming, relief was on its way.

Sickness

2008-02-27T06:55:00.001-08:00

Yesterday morning at 1 am Roman woke up whining and tossing in his bed. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong until 4 am when he started vomiting. He continued to vomit every 30 minutes until the afternoon when I started! It was so terrible. Roman laid on a pilot on the floor in the living room and couldn’t even get up for hours. He would try to crawl to me then just fall over. He got really scared and shaky every time he started vomiting. Every time he would look at me with these terrified eyes like “Mommy, make it stop.” I currently don’t have one clean towel, blanket, sheet, or item of clothing in the house. At one point I saw him point and barely muffle “car.” His hot wheel was just out of reach. It was so sad! Today Roman has bounced right back but mommy is still recovering.

So, Roman started with a virus that gave him a runny nose, cough, and fever. That turned into an ear infection with another fever. Then, Hand Foot and Mouth Disease. Next was the runny nose that came back. And now yesterday – the flu. The past month has been a rough one for my little one. But, he is incredibly strong. You would think he had never been sick. Thank goodness that all of his ailments have only been temporary. Thank you God for taking care of him. Hopefully, we are on the other side of sickness.

Kids Party Jump

2008-02-25T18:13:00.000-08:00

To Worry or Not to Worry

2008-02-25T08:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I received a phone call letting me know that “Jason isn’t doing very good.” He is my 33 year old cousin that was diagnosed with an untreatable brain tumor 3 years ago. He now has a bleed on his brain and all treatments have stopped responding. They say his memory will be the first to go followed by everything else in the days to come.

I grew up very close to this family. They lived a few miles down the road. I spent a lot of time there, especially with his sister, Jennifer, who is the same age as me. Jason’s grandmother and aunt died of breast cancer. His mom was treated for a malignant breast cancer a few years ago that doctor’s say will most likely show up somewhere else. Jennifer’s daughter, Jason’s niece, has been in a wheelchair for 6 months dealing with a life-threatening disease she contracted from another student at her elementary school. She is getting better though. I just wonder how a family such as this can experience so many tragedies. I can't wrap my mind around the despair they must be feeling. I can’t be sad because it feels selfish to be sad. Like I am taking on the privilege of this feeling when I’m not the one loosing my dad, or husband, or brother, or son, like they are. I want to protect them and say “No, you can’t be sad unless you are one of them.” No one else deserves a chance to own a part of this. But, I am loosing my cousin, and hearing of the torture of family keeping a smile on their faces because they have to. Making jokes when he can’t remember things. Smiling at the discussion of memories made together but shedding tears at the same time because the loss is inevitable.

I read a quote recently that said “If you pray, don’t worry, but if you worry, don’t pray.” At first, I thought this was a very narrow minded thing to say. Then, I began to think of the depth of it. Because, I am an inherited worrier, I was partially offended by reading that. Like someone was saying I was wasting my time by praying. But, then I thought about how truly difficult it is to pray when you’re busy with worrying. How much time it consumes to constantly imagine how terrible every ending could be. So, I was encouraged by this simple quote. A quote that speaks volumes while using so little words.

Then, I received this phone call yesterday and now I don’t know what to do. I know at this point every Christian out there would have some generic thing to encourage me by. But after years of praying, we have found ourselves here. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen many prayers answered. Personally, God has never left a prayer regarding my personal life unanswered. But, what about the ONE. This HUGE one.

Day 13

2008-02-18T11:29:00.001-08:00

I am finding that being around a much larger group of children every Sunday morning is causing Roman to find a lot of new sicknesses. On day 13th of being sick and almost getting better, Roman woke up with Hand Foot and Mouth Disease. YaY! Lovely. He came to me crying and pointing to his fingers. Covered all over them were red blister type lesions. Then, I found a few on his feet. And now, a few on his mouth. I am ready to escape into hiding with my son to protect him from all illnesses! The doctor says there is no treatment and they are extremely painful. Just what I wanted to hear……..

On a better note, my sister, Tracy, is here visiting with us for a few days. We are so happy she is here! Oh yeah, her stinky old dog, Jasmine is here too. Wearing diapers and all, she is approximately 15 years old. As long as she doesn’t croake on my clock everything is fine. Ha. We slept in, went to Chedders for lunch, and picked up a couple of movies on the way home. Roman crashed in the car on the way home with literally one leg practically above his head. Anyway, we are having a fun sister sister day and will probably resort to curling up on the couch talking about everything under the sun. Trying to convince her to move in with me. Every time she comes to visit, I think I get a little closer to persuading her.

Ironic

2008-02-16T20:15:00.000-08:00

Awww, it feels good to sit down…….

There were 14 of us tonight at Friendship group. It was – indescribable. God is truly amazing. I am thankful that He directed me to start this group and that he has brought others into my life to help. Wow, God’s presence was here. It is always a calming, gentle, freeing, and trusting atmosphere. Nothing but His direction could lead a group of girls to share the way they do. He cares so deeply about these sweet girls. I am fortunate to be a part of their stories and lives.

Tuesday David came home from work to tell me that he had two tickets to the KY Vandy B-Ball game! I called our “nanny” and she came right over to watch Ro for so we could go support the Wildcats and have a night together. Dressed in all blue we sat in the midst of many Vandy fans. Actually, if you could picture the most annoying fan EVER, she was sitting next to us. Although she was a nice lady, she was the one who knew every cheer, the spirit song, and every player’s name. Her voice rang loud above everyone else’s. Little did we know, the game we were so psyched about, would be one to go down in record books. One of the worse games in KY b-ball history. Actually, to put it lightly, humiliation would be the word to use here. Every time Vandy scored, the annoying fan next to us would jump up and down, grab David’s arm in excitement, and then quickly apologize. Final score / 93 52. Isn’t it ironic the way things work out? It was actually fun in a strange way to have our moment of humiliation to be together. At least we had each otherJ

Wednesday Ro pulled his table and chair all the way over in front of the big window in the living room so he could sit and watch the snow fall. It was one of the most precious things I have seen him do. He told me all about it many times.

Roman is going on the 12th day of sickness. Thank goodness we have had only a few bad days though. We don’t know he is feeling bad until the temp goes up and I feel the heat like a radiator from his forehead. He was almost better when he developed an ear infection. This did not make him happy. So, Roman and I had a slumber party Wednesday night. We stayed up ALL night and watched cartoons and ate at 3am on the couch. It was a sweet memory. Finally, at 5am he fell asleep and we sleep until 7:30am. So, on the third day of antibiotics I am seeing some improvement. Hopefully, soon he will be completely better.

Homesick

2008-02-12T08:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was sad. After putting some thought into why I was feeling so gloomy, I realized I was homesick. It was my mom’s birthday. I did get to celebrate with her just a couple of weeks ago. But, on Friday, I got a call from my sister wanting us to come up on Sunday afternoon to surprise Mom for a birthday dinner. Obviously, we were not able to for many reasons. At first, I didn’t give it a second thought. But, yesterday I was sad because I realized that they all got to be together making a great memory and I wasn’t there. Most days I am completely 100% okay with the fact that I am so blessed to be only a couple hours away from my family. But, every now and then the little girl inside of me that needs her mommy rises up and wants her to be just around the corner. I do sincerely miss them all in so many ways. Once every few weeks is not enough to see the most important people in your life. I started to think about my 2 sweet nephews and niece and how they are growing so quickly. How I want Roman to play with them and learn from them. How want them to be Roman's best friends like my cousins were when I grew up. So, then I was homesick for all my family, not just my mom! Being in this state of mind brings out all sorts of emotions. Today, I am feeling better. I am dealing with the fact that we have to make the best of our circumstances.

Last night, we had our friends, Daniel and Alicia, over for dinner. They are two of the sweetest and most humble people we know. They have experienced so much that most people don’t even know. Daniel has seen many physical healings with his own eyes. Like arches in feet being straightened. They have seen multitudes of people coming desperately to Jesus. They speak three languages, maybe more! Being around them is always very encouraging. They, with their background in missions, help us to see the simplicity of life and appreciate our abundance of blessings. I am thankful that God has brought them into our lives.

Is Karaoke Ever a Good Thing?

2008-02-10T15:20:00.000-08:00

Finally, I am actually writing on my blog. The purpose of creating it was to share pictures and video with family that unfortunately live far away. I think this will be a great way for them to be a part of what is going on in our lives. Especially to read about Roman growing and changing so quickly. But, I love to read the thoughts from my sweet friends who post regularly on their blogs. So, I want to share mine with them as well!

Last night was our first youth combined youth event between Sumner Life and the Hope Center. It went really well except for the terrible failed effort at Karaoke. We were lacking the words to the music which really made it impossible. It was the beginning to the process of getting to know each other. Some unintentional segregation was noted in the beginning but aventually more and more mingling happened.

Being the one who orchestrated the event, of course I have some criticism. I think the night lacked a little energy that we usually have. Many factors played a part in that. 1. Not knowing one another 2. Extra large room 3. Terrible attempt at karaoke. But, overall there was priceless bonding that happened.

It will take time before it feels comfortable for any of us again. I believe a part of us all is sad in a way because we are walking away from familiararity. A feeling of closeness and trust. I wasn't sure if I was ready for our youth group to take on a new identity you know. But, I know that God can only bring us into the next stage in His plan if we are willing to step out in faith and take a risk. I should be prepared in the future that if I am just getting settled in and comfortable, that probably means God is about to do something different. It is just the way He works. And He is always faithful to make the next chapter in my story better than the previous one. So, as a youth group, we will get there and it will be better than before.

Roman still has a stuffy nose but he is getting better. I believe I may have the beginning of what he had though. I've been sneezing all day, my throat is sore, and nose a little stuffy. Hopefully, it is just allergies but all signs are pointing to the fact that Roman passed on his ailment to his mommy. He is becomming such a good communicator. Finally, he says yeah and no to questions. Although, they are not always the answers I want to hear. Oh, how I can see the 2's approaching. His efforts to throw ragging fits are usually stopped pretty quickly when he realizes no one is watching or by a quick offer of gummies in public. But, they are happening more and more often. When I am in a good mood, they are kinda cute in a way.

Every single day he teaches me something new about himself or myself. He reminds me to stop and enjoy the way the sun comes in through the shades or the way my bouquet of flowers in the kitchen smell. He is amazed by the things we take for granite. But, when I stop and think about them, I too am amazed.

Our New Church Building

2008-02-10T15:18:00.000-08:00

Promo for youth V-Day Dinner Feb 9th

2008-02-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

My Son the Performer

2008-02-06T08:11:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day!

2008-02-05T13:20:00.000-08:00